Nurse the Hate: Hate Indiana

One thing I consistently forget is how dull most of America is on an everyday basis. Take Indiana for example. Sure, you may get the occasional twister that blows the fuck out of a small town perched on God's forgotten tundra. Then you'll see the malnourished trailer park denizens breathlessly recount their harrowing escape from death for the camera men for hire out to shoot the made-for-TV calamity. That's real action out there. But other than that, it's mostly jacking off, watching IU basketball, and smoking discount cigarettes.

We played a couple shows in Illinois this weekend, which meant the mind numbing drive across Indiana. The highlight of I-70 is when you hit Indianapolis, because you know you've killed half the drive. It's a brutal drive with almost nothing to kill the tedium of flat land and billboards advertising RVs and discount candles. (Side note: Since when did the sheer expense of candles become such an issue that people had to drive to rural candle outlet centers? Are there Indiana birthday cakes with no candles because, "Godammit, that stock market collapse has made it impossible for us to afford NaNa's candles for her 75th birthday cake! I'll see you in Hell Wall Street elite!".)

We pulled into an exit for the all important gas/piss/snack stop when I overheard a twenty something girl say to her friend "I look soooo funny in these red socks! I look sooooo funny in these red socks." Let me be the one to point out, she looked indistinguishable from any other plain 23 year old girl except she had these red anklet socks slightly emerging from her white tennis shoes. I would never have noticed them. You wouldn't have either. Despite this, she once again said "I look soooo funny in these socks." (OK honey. I get it. The socks are kinda wacky. I didn't notice them, but for you, you're out there "getting after it". Fine.)

I don't know why these things irritate me, but they do. I stood there pumping gas for a few minutes thinking about why this was irritating me, and wondering if I had an anger management issue. (I do.) Over my shoulder I hear the same voice saying, "I look sooo funny." I felt like pulling out the gas nozzle, spraying her with 89 test, and flicking a lit match. "Hahahahaha!!!!! Now you look FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Clearly Indiana was getting the best of me.

Can you imagine living in that town, driving around in a pathetic Pontiac Sunfire with your best friend who discusses the only issue that has captured her fancy, the color of her socks? It's not like the town is big enough where you just have to go to the right party and meet a new pal that is down with Proust, Rolling Stones bootlegs, and the undeniable glory of 1989 Bordeaux and Pacific Coast IPA. Nope. That's it right there. Talking about red socks. As the great Indiana resident John (Cougar) Mellencamp said, "Ain't that America, for you and me.".

Side note: I am becoming increasingly convinced that Al Davis is running the Raiders in a direct imitation of the way Idi Amin ruled Uganda. But with less brutal killings. That would be a real tough sell if you were in corporate sales there. "We feel terrific about the kid we drafted #1 that everyone else had in the third round in their draft board. Mister Davis feels that he's the second coming of Cliff Branch. It will all make sense when his manifesto comes out. Now...Can we renew your luxury suite for $250,000?"... Would you buy a used car from Mel Kiper? I wouldn't... Roy Halladay continues to be "The Canadian ATM machine". Until he proves otherwise, I am staying on board with Roy until he loses a few in a row. That guy is a witch... A really great reissue is Nick Lowe's "Jesus of Cool". I loved that record when I was introduced to it in the mid 80s, and I love it now. The Yep Roc reissue has an extra ten tracks from the era on it that show how great Lowe was at that Elvis Costello and the Attractions hyper smart pub rock. If I could ever understand what Costello was singing, I might be praising a "Armed Forces" reissue, but I can't, so it' "Jesus of Cool". ...If I were you, I'd get the new Gourds record "Haymaker", "The Best of Charlie Picket and the Eggs" on Bloodshot, and the book "The Devil's Teeth" by Susan Casey...The NBA Playoffs will never end.