I am headed to the Browns home opener today for no good reason. It seemed like a good idea when tickets became available this week, the sun was shining, and I was more interested in watching a 5-11 team play a winnable game. Now it's 9:14 in the morning, and I am trying to find whatever terrible looking Browns gear I own to try and fit in with the drunken mob. I'm sitting in the end zone, and I already know the following people will be sitting near me.
"Stand Up and Cheer Guy": This is the scrawny guy with a mustache that will stand up on a second and nine in the first quarter, turn around to face the crowd seated behind him, and madly wave his arms around screaming "Let's go! Let's make some noise! Let's go!". Why he is the self appointed crowd noise monitor, I don't know. He will become more and more angry that everyone else isn't as serious about the game as he is, and he will get in a fight with someone behind him that asks him to sit down. You will find this guy in every section of the stadium.
"Profane Guy": This is the guy that makes all his friends uncomfortable as he completely loses control of himself over the course of the game. He will get angrier if the Browns have a defensive holding call than if someone keyed his car in the parking lot. It's all about the game, it's serious business, and that's all there is to it. When anything negative happens, he will unleash a torrent of obscenities so shocking even Dice Clay would wince. There will probably be a seven year old seated within four seats of Profane Guy as well. This is not always as bad as it sounds, as this can be an educational experience. You will pick up exciting new curse words and phrases like "cunt squirrel", "bitch ass fucks" and "ass pirate fuck shits" whenever there is a turnover.
"Really Really Drunk Guy": What happens to those guys that are doing shots at 5:30am in the parking lot? They come to the stadium and have the following experience. First quarter: Unsteadily find their seats while spilling giant draft beers on everyone else on the row at about the eight minute mark. Second quarter: Begin to openly leer at any women seated in the general area, occasionally will be engaged by on the field action, and being continually told to "sit the fuck down" by the people behind him. Halftime: Pissing in the sink in the men's room, and smoking in the small concrete grid that has been deemed the "smoking area". Buying two beers at "last call". Third quarter: Head bobs start back at the seat. Perhaps a lengthy nap. Fourth quarter: Saliva production has increased, and is now openly spitting on the ground. The people seated around him are now concerned about being barfed on before the final gun. Will barf at seats or leaning against the wall in the stadium lower deck hallway.
My Sunday will clearly be a bust. It doesn't mean yours has to be. After a tough week last week, I will come out swinging again. I don't really have any idea about who is actually good and who isn't yet, but the good news is that neither do the guys making the lines. Here are my plays this week...
New York Giants +5... The Giants defensive line was hurt all last season, but is allegedly healthy now. I seem to recall those guys destroying everything in their path when healthy. The Colts don't appear to have any defense whatsoever. Bob Sanders must be the only guy on that defense that can do anything, because when he plays they win. He is, of course, hurt again like he has been since 1987. He suffered one of those injuries that must feel pretty good, a torn bicep. See you next year Bob. That being said, I'll take a team with defense and getting 5 points. The Giants are probably one of the best teams in the NFC, and the window is finally closing on the Colts.
Chicago +9... Yes, Jay Cutler may have already thrown an interception in this one. But Dallas is a funny team. They have a kazillion offensive weapons, but no real idea of how to use them. They have four legit pass catchers, three legit running backs, and a good quarterback, but they haven't been able to score since training camp. The Bears should be able to move the ball enough to avoid getting blown out, right? Nine points is too many in this one. I'll take Chicago.
Carolina -3.5... There is no way Tampa is going to be able to run the ball against Carolina. Interestingly enough, there is also no way that they will be able to throw it either. This will be a problem in winning the football game for Tampa. Carolina completely shut down Tampa twice last year. They should do that again today. The under may be a good idea here too as Carolina come into the game with a 1973 Ohio State game plan of handoff, handoff, handoff, repeat. With the clock consistently running, this game could be over by 2:30.
Season record 1-2-1
Never bet against the Colts silly!
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