Nurse the Hate: Hate The NFL Week 9

A new NFL gambling strategy has revealed itself to me in a vision so pure, I wonder if the Virgin Mary herself has something to do with it. While not appearing before shaking peasants in Bolivia, certainly she had time to shoot over here to the Pittsburgh Courtyard By Marriot to allow me to gain a full understanding of the complexities of predicting today's NFL action. Yes, I grant you it probably takes time to leave a likeness of yourself on a piece of wood, or have tears flow down a statue of yourself in rural Indiana, but I maintain that the Virgin Mary has more than enough time and moxy to swing over here with The Vision. It has become crystal clear that this NFL season is all about 28 roughly equal teams playing each other every week, while 4 truly shitty ones remain cannon fodder for the other 28. The key is thus taking the points in any game that looks like it can even remotely go either way.

Here it is Sunday morning. You are already dreading going to work, where a variety of dipshits will have you labor at tasks that are pointless and futile. How can you get out of your plight? Working hard for 40 years and hope that your little 401K nest egg hits a good run in the stock market? Listen Cheese, you have a better chance at getting rich playing online blackjack, or hitting Keno at a dog track. It's time to take control of your destiny with one smart play. One move so bold that it will literally define your life. A line in the sand so definite that all of your so called friends will shake their heads in wonder that you had the sheer cajones to pull something like this off. Yes, you will finally have financial freedom, and with it the ability to walk out of that hellhole you work in with a tirade of profanity and obscene gestures that will leave you a legend with the sheep you have left behind. And it's so simple...

Take all of your 401K money, the deed to your house, your car, and max out your credit cards. Take this money and place it on the Miami Dolphins +5, Tampa Bay +9 and the Arizona Cardinals +9. Yes, I realize this sounds like madness. Tampa Bay last won in Atlanta when Lee Roy Selmon played nose tackle and Tone Loc ruled the charts. The Arizona Cardinals are starting Derek Anderson at QB, a passer so awful that he can't toss the car keys to a valet without incident. Miami games are so boring that only by speculating if Ricky Williams is dealing weed to his teammates can you watch an actual game. I know this. But it doesn't matter. Every NFL team is awful at any given moment. And we don't need a win here... We just need these guys to hang around. Maybe score an otherwise meaningless TD with 3 minutes left...

All I know is that the Virgin Mother won't steer me wrong. Unless of course "The Vision" was only the after effects of that left handed Egg Beaters omlette from the breakfast bar. If that's the case, I do apologize for ruining your life.