Thanksgiving is truly a great holiday. Leisure time, drinking, football and a big
meal. What can be more American? I feel sorry for those poor saps that have to
work at Wal-Mart tomorrow. Seriously,
The American Consumer can’t wait another 12 hours to buy an X-Box at $31 off
retail? You know what happened. There was some asshole at Wal-Mart corporate
that looked at a spreadsheet that said they could make another .6% market share
if they made all their underpaid employees leave their families during the
holiday and open up. Meanwhile, those
same decision makers will be tucking into a second piece of pumpkin pie comfy at
home while those employees are doing a price check on a Barbie Beach House for some
pissed off hillbilly. The executives
will hide behind “what is good for the corporation” babble and probably a few
of them will be forced to make PR appearances helping out at the store level. Fuck those guys.
You should be free for the day and able to get together with
all the people that you deem important. Holiday
sales crap can wait until Friday. While
geography and circumstance will not enable me to have a perfect gathering,
there is still much to be thankful for this year. Mostly the opportunity for Ken and I to let
loose our annual “Galaxy Of Wagers” on Thanksgiving Football. In the past we have gambled like degenerates
on Thanksgiving games as a way to get from Noon to dinner. This day is also noteworthy for the only time
we make teaser bets. For the
uninitiated, the teaser is a bet in which you gain the advantage of moving the
line on multiple bets in exchange for having to win all elements of the bet for
it to pay off. For example, Krusty has
already declared he will be taking Houston +7, Washington +13, and the
University of Texas +3. Looks good,
right?
The great thing about the teaser is that it seems impossible
that you will lose the bet. It is
inconceivable that the Redskins will lose by more than 13 points. It can’t happen. That is the key to the teaser. It is the biggest sucker bet on the
board. You almost never win
teasers. It is a bet that is constructed
for separating stupid people from their money.
When you see guys in Tapout shirts on at a Vegas sports book, they are
probably knee deep in NFL teasers. Tomorrow
we will be those stupid people. I will
most likely not be wearing a Tapout shirt though.
I decided earlier today that I want to make this
Thanksgiving especially noteworthy. I
want to have complete focus. I want to
white knuckle it. I want to really swing
for the fucking fences. I’m done with
safety nets. This is why I have decided
to bet enough money to pay for a trip to Buenos Aires next month. If I win, it will be time to stroll around
the Barrios all juiced up on Malbec with my friend Sasha in tow as a “fixer” to
help minimize international incidents. Nobody
wants to be thrown into a Buenos Aires jail screaming “Soy un americano. ¡Tómeme a mi embassy!”. (I am an American. Take me to my Embassy!)
I don’t
think I would do especially well in Argentine prison. I think there are a lot of burly guys in
1970s mustaches that would do terrible things to me in “the yard”. I also envision the guards yelling at me in
Spanish while I said things like “What?
I don’t understand… Ow! Ow! Stop hitting me with that baton!” Then
again, if the Redskins keep it close, I will have mucho pesos to throw
around. I will probably have to buy a
white suit with a matching hat to comfortably glide around Buenos Aires as “new
money” but I will factor that cost into the wager. You must look the part in the Paris of South
America.
As of
this moment I am considering the following:
Houston
Texans +7
Washington
Redskins +13
New
England Patriots +3
Three
team tease (a sucker bet destined to lose)
I
will also make major plays on Houston -3 early and if still chasing late, the
University of Texas -7.
There
will be much to be thankful for tomorrow.
Or
not.
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