Nurse the Hate: The Awesome Manti Te'o Story

The Manti Te’o story is without question my favorite news story in quite a long time.  This might be the best news item since Octomom.  I love the fact that an entire nation is riveted to a fictional girlfriend story that is really a victimless crime and will have no impact whatsoever on any of us.  It’s just one of those “stare at the accident” stories that are so enjoyable from afar.  The story itself makes no sense whatsoever.  How can a guy not know his girlfriend is a hoax?  The answer is, of course, that he did know it was all bullshit.  That is what makes the story so compelling.  The real story is “Why”?

What we know is Manti Te’o has come forth and said he is the victim of a terrible hoax.  He is without blame, and he needs to deal with this embarrassment privately as he and his family seek to find the answers surrounding these events.  This is obviously total bullshit.  I have seen the video clips where he talks about meeting his girlfriend.  Since we now know that he never met this woman, we can also assume that everything else connected with this are lies he either knew about or helped construct?  Let’s be serious here…  If the love of your life is going into chemo for leukemia, you aren’t going to go see her?  She dies and you don’t go to the funeral?  You don’t pass along heartfelt condolences to the family?  Even prior to that, you don’t see her?  If I am a 21 year old and I am in love with a woman, the only thing I am concerned with is putting my penis inside of her as often as possible and at every opportunity.  Let’s stop the nonsense.  He knew that this story was complete and utter bullshit.  He was part of it. 

This leads me to one of two likely scenarios.  Scenario #1 is that he and his buddy make an elaborate story up to pull the media’s leg.  These are a couple of stupid jocks that had no comprehension on how modern media works, and the damn thing grew beyond their ability to control it.  When they realized it was out of control, they “killed” her at the same time as his grandmother, hoping that by lumping the two in together they could explain away some of the annoying details.  Why they killed her instead of just saying that the two of them broke up and decided to remain friends is beyond me, but you can never underestimate the stupidity of 21 year old boys.  

I do not believe that is the most likely scenario though.  It all comes back to motivation.  Are you trying to tell me that Manti Te’o puts his NFL career, signing bonus, and endorsements at risk to have a good laugh at the media’s expense?  Ha-ha!  That was funny!  Now America thinks you are an asshole and you lost a $2.4 million dollar Nike endorsement.  That was worth it.  Furthermore, if it was a variation of the “asshole friends thought it would be funny, now I’m really fucking sorry”, you would throw it out there like that.  America forgives and forgets.  One news cycle goes by and it becomes “boys will be boys” and gets swept under the rug.  Does anyone remember that A-Rod confessed to steroid use?  Ray Lewis killed a guy and no one cares!  Let’s be realistic here! 

Let me throw out scenario #2.  I think we all know someone that has had “a number of girlfriends in the Niagara Falls area”.  I went to college with a guy like that.  “Hey man, I’ve been with tons of chicks.  You just don’t know any of them.  They aren’t from around here.”  Um-Hmm.  Of course they are.  It is odd that you can’t have even a simple conversation with a woman in this zip code but yet you are some sort of jet setting cocksman a mere three hours drive from here…  Anytime you encounter that scenario, someone is hiding something. 

So what could Manti Te’o be hiding?  Let’s say you are a football player at a high profile Catholic University with NFL aspirations that comes from a Mormon background.  I see a few institutions lumped together in that list I wouldn’t refer to as “socially progressive”.  Unless I start to see a bunch of photographs of this guy fondling half of the female population of South Bend Indiana, I think this gentleman might be hiding his sexual preferences for men.  I don’t know.  Maybe this dead girlfriend story was his spin on the “Fawn Lebowitz” scenario in the movie “Animal House”.  I don’t know the guy.  He could just be a dirtbag.  That seems like a whole lot of trouble to go through for the face of the Notre Dame football team to get laid though, doesn’t it?  It doesn’t seem as far fetched if you are trying to explain why you don’t have a girlfriend and you are afraid to come out.  Let’s take it a step further…  Was the Twitter account set up so he could reach some sort of compromise with his partner on communicating affections publicly while still maintaining the stereotypical image of the campus jock?  Like I said, I don’t know the guy, but that starts to make a lot more sense than the bullshit he is trotting out as the truth now.  I recognize this as a crazy accusation without any real evidence, but isn’t that the fun of this story? 

Let me tell you what has probably happened over the last few weeks.  Deadspin got their story together, and probably asked Manti Te’o for a comment on it right before Christmas.  He must have shit a brick.  He then tells them he will call them back with a comment after the holidays.  He huddles up with the family at Xmas and either tells them a) the truth or b) some variation thereof that he can live with.  They meet with Notre Dame on 12.26 and a full scale alert is sounded.  Oh, to have been in that meeting…. 

Notre Dame has their lawyers and media people conference call Deadspin and say “Give us until after the BCS game and we will give you a full comment”.  Notre Dame and their people meanwhile internally try to role play out various scenarios and to decide which is the best angle to use in the upcoming media explosion.  The BCS game happens and Te’o signs with an agent about 11 seconds after the final gun.  The agent hires a motherfucker of a PR agency to try and get their arms around this.  These are probably real pros.  The people that handled that Gulf Oil spill for BP, and Tom Cruise’s divorce would be my guess.  It is agreed they will use the Victim Card as a strategy.  The other guy on the end of the Twitter account has probably been whisked off to a compound in Cabo San Lucas under an assumed name, signed a $250,000+ non disclosure agreement, and is going through intensive media training on how to fall on the sword and claim full responsibility.  He will be placed in front of relatively friendly handpicked media early next week with a female “accomplice” (probably a family member of his who will also be paid).  They will claim to be terrible people, apologize profusely, and ask for no more questions so everyone involved can heal.  It’s going to be quite a show! 

I hope beyond hope that it turns out Manti Te’o is gay and open about it.  This will create some of the most uncomfortable press conferences you have ever seen as all the players in the drama will have to comment.  Notre Dame will have to comment on why they created such an “unfriendly environment” for homosexuals.  The Catholic Church will get dragged into it for their spin.  Each NFL team that could potentially draft Te’o will have to discuss their organization’s stance on homosexuality.  This will be all of them as everyone will speculate on how far his draft stock may have fallen.  Meanwhile, you can count on some dumbfuck players rolling out homophobic rants.  A media shitstorm will blow up around them.  In the end, Manti Te’o will make the remarkable run from hero to villain to victim in no time.  He will become a poster boy for equal rights and countless stories will air offering an empathetic look at “this poor young man that lived in an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.”   It will be the greatest four months of media you have ever seen.  I can feel it.  Right now the Jacksonville Jaguars are going through “correct” media responses to a variety of Te’o questions.  Please oh please oh please let this happen…  

There is nothing else for us to do now but wait for the twitter account guy.  I pray he is awkward and stumbles with questions.  I can’t wait.  This is going to be great!