Nurse the Hate: My New Job

  The Cleveland Browns were chasing three different head coaches who all ignored their attempts to bring them into the fold.  Suddenly the team has to go to Plan B (or in actuality Plan E).  This really seems like an opportunity for me to finally land that NFL coaching gig I have been keeping on the back burner all these years.  Today I knocked out a letter and attached my resume to set up my interview.  I'll keep you in the loop as this process advances.  I think I have a real shot at this thing. 

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Joe Banner

Cleveland Browns

76 Lou Groza Blvd.

Berea OH  44017

Dear Joe,

  It has recently come to my attention that you have a position available as the head coach of your professional football organization, and I would like to formally “throw my hat into the ring” for your consideration.  I realize that I may be off the radar in comparison to many of the candidates currently in your crosshairs, but let me assure you that I will bring to the organization a unique mix of talents not available in the other candidates.

  I will be candid with you in that I have no coaching experience of any kind.  None.  I have not even stood on the sideline of a Pee-Wee football game in any sort of official capacity.  I have however been watching NFL Football my entire life and recognize that the role of the NFL coach has become less about “Xs and Os” and more about shouldering the media burden, and keeping the largely unstable employees focused and on point.  Let’s let the coordinators do what they should be doing, coming up with reasonable ways to win football games.  I will instill in the players a sense of urgency with my signature “Unstable Stalin” management style, and provide the national media a steady stream of memorable press conferences.

  I have lived in the area for two decades and witnessed approximately 17 rebuilding efforts.  I used to have season tickets until it became apparent that it was a complete waste of time and money to drive downtown and watch the team get pasted in the rain.  I probably lost interest in being seated near profanity screaming cretins that stunk of vomit and urine too.  That’s not to say I have lost my zest for the NFL game!  No sir, I follow this television programming with great interest and a critical eye.  The League has changed.  I believe we need to embrace a new model for success…

  The team isn’t going to win now.  We both know this.  The Browns need a QB, and it doesn’t look like one is available.  These are hard times.  The team has been such a disaster, it must be almost impossible to get free agents here.  How much money does it take for a premium player to agree to disappear into NFL Siberia?  More than “we” want to pay I will bet.  The Browns are so far off the national radar and have been so uninteresting, what are you going to do to make the team compelling?  It’s time to think out of the box…  Hire a complete local amateur like myself as coach (on the cheap I may add), surround him with highly paid qualified assistants, and let me handle the media.  I will speak with disarming frankness about the team and the games.  I will be interesting.  I will be unpredictable.  I will be calculating. 

Please note, we’ll still probably go 5-11 or 4-12, but at least the public will be engaged and we’ll sell some merchandise.  We will embrace the Working Class roots of Cleveland, sell the idea of The American Dream, and be the hot topic on ESPN and national talk radio all season.  We’ll make the Cowboys as relevant as Alcorn State.  Tebow who?  When you see me relaxing comfortably on the couch next to David Letterman trading wisecracks while dressed in a crazy Browns military style outfit as if Muammar Khadafi was the coach, you will see a guy selling the organization to a jaded fan base that wants to root for something.         

  I realize that this might sound crazy.  I know you just got this job and you probably are hesitant about the backlash of hiring someone as woefully underqualified as I am on the surface.  Certainly this move could backfire horribly and leave you and myself as complete laughingstocks.  We may even be tar and feathered prior to the first regular season game.  Yet, I ask you, if it is impossible to win their game, why don’t we make them play our game? 

  Before hiring one of those retread guys out there, let’s get together and discuss a new vision for the future.  I can’t be any worse than what’s been on the sideline, and it will probably be a lot of fun.  Hell, I can get you to 4-12 standing on the sideline staring at a laminated sheet of paper.  The good news is maybe I will be in an Uncle Sam outfit on stilts while doing it.  Maybe I drop into the stadium via parachute.  I know when to call timeouts and throw that red challenge flag.  I’ll let those well paid coordinators call the plays and defenses.  I’ll throw in my two cents on the draft and keep people in line.  I can do this.

  I’ll call you to set up a lunch.  I know you haven’t been in town long.  You ever go to Alladin’s up the street?  I’m a big fan of that chicken Dijon rolled!

Sincerely,

Greg Miller