Monday, July 29, 2013

Nurse the Hate: The Unicorn Ad

Fuck Unicorn - w4m - 22 (nashville)
Ever since I was a little girl,

I've had fantasies about Unicorns.

I think they're very sexy (especially the spirally horn).

I would like to experiment with strap-ons,

meaning the guy would strap a dildo on his forehead and do me with it.

Please be real.
Location: nashville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Let’s proceed as if this is a real Craig’s List advertisement.  While it is tempting to wave your hand and suggest that this is someone’s idea of a joke (and a good one at that), I think we can agree that there are people out there with more exotic sexual tastes than our collective imaginations can conjure.  For example,  I have seen things on the Internet that my mind will not allow me to “un-see”.  When a friend sends you something called “Dad’s Birthday Party” as an email attachment, there is no reason to suspect that when you open it a short movie will play showing an obese woman shitting on the head of an elderly man while a midget looks on masturbating.  This burns in your skull forever, and is no way for my friends to demonstrate their friendship.  I question the moral fiber of many of my closest friends.  It's not really their fault though.  This stuff is out there.  The bottom line is that there are people out there with very specialized interests, and now thanks to the Internet they are but one mouse click away.  

The ad above is actually very well written.  It is direct and specific.  God bless the Internet.  What a curse to have that be “your thing” prior to this type of communication.  How on earth could a gal interested in having what we will now refer to as “unicorn sex” find that special someone?  The odds of finding a gent that was very interested in having sex with you via a forehead horn dildo has to be long if a lady is standing around a TGIFridays or some anonymous dance club.  How would one handle the vetting process exactly?  “Thanks sailor!  I would like a drink!  And since you asked, I’m an Aquarius and I do come here often.  Now let me ask you something…  How do you feel about unicorns?  I love unicorns.  I mean I really, really love unicorns.  Could you do me a favor, reach into this satchel, and try this mask on?”

Most men are shameless dogs that will do almost anything to have sex.  “You want me to do what?  (Two second pause) OK.  I’ll do that.”  Clearly though, this ad is meant to weed out the “put up with the unicorn dildo helmet” guys from the “really into the unicorn dildo helmet” ones.  This is an advertisement seeking out a kindred spirit.  She is looking for a fella that will blissfully walk around a Renaissance Faire all afternoon as a build up to “stable time” back at the apartment.  I picture a hurried return from the Renaissance Faire where she is excitedly getting the unicorn helmet out of its secret storage location under the bed while he fumbles with Jethro Tull and Yes CDs on the sound system for the perfect unicorn lovemaking soundtrack.   To find a partner like this is like finding a needle in a haystack.  It can’t be easy.

I’m assuming that men will respond to this ad, as men will respond to any request that ends with sex.  Hell, the guy that emailed this to me is probably drafting a response right now.  This means that the casting call will have quite a few auditions that just don’t “nail it”.  My question is this.  Does each prospective responder have to have their own unicorn dildo helmet, or is it provided by the woman?  By the way, I'm totally picturing a full unicorn mask with some kind of ultra creepy rubber dildo horn.  I think anyone that runs an ad like this will want to go all the way, don't you?  If the mask is provided by her, I would have to think that the first thought that each guy has while strapping in is “I wonder how many other dudes have had this thing on?”.  Let’s even assume that the unicorn head has been used exclusively in a female monogamous situation and not bandied about in some sort of wild unicorn head gang bang Renaissance Faire Gone Wild sort of scene.  I’m still imagining an item with a very odd scent and definitely an odd karma to it.  It would be something I would poke with a stick, not affix to my face.  Then again, I’m not into the whole unicorn scene, so maybe I’m not the best barometer of unicorn dildo helmet etiquette.

The one thing you can be sure of is that if one had the courage and curiosity to respond to this ad, the reward would be a story that would be a showstopper forever.   “So I’m really going at it at this point.  I’m almost ¾ horn in, ya know?  Next thing I know this guy in a Satyr outfit comes skipping in playing a pan flute with a boner sticking out of the fur of his costume.  But I’m real into what I’m doing ya know?  I’m making whinny sounds and braying like a horse because she digs that shit, right?  I hardly even notice what’s going on.  By the time I hear the sound of his hooves on the floorboards, I’m not even worried about him so much as the fat dude behind him with the open tunic that’s eating a turkey leg.  I’m worried he’s going to try and shove that turkey leg in my ass or something, so I’m freaking out.  Look man, I’m into the unicorn scene, but I’m no degenerate!  I’m not doing some Lord of the Rings group scene!  So I pull my horn out, and I try to split.  The problem is I can’t get the car keys outta the god damn unicorn suit, so I’m just sitting there stewing in the driveway until she gets her frock on and we can leave.  We were arguing all night and into the next day until we went to the bar-b-que at her Mom’s place on Sunday.  It was a fucked up weekend.”

I suppose we'll never know if this young lady finds her unicorn.  I hope she does.  It doesn't seem like too much to ask.  Well, as long as I'm not the one putting on the smelly unicorn mask and walking around the Renaissance Faire...


At July 30, 2013 at 6:17:00 PM EDT , Blogger vfh159 said...

I'm pretty sure that this is the first time the words 'wild unicorn head gang bang Renaissance Faire Gone Wild scene' have ever been strung together in any kind of sentence or situation I have ever read or dreamed.

At July 31, 2013 at 6:45:00 AM EDT , Blogger Greg Miller said...

It wasn't something I expected to type out either.


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