Nurse the Hate: Hate the Oscars

All hope is lost.  There will be 365 days on Winter.  We will slide right from Winter 2013 into Winter 2014 with maybe a respite of three days of 44 degree rain.  There is nothing left to do but maintain the physical activity level of a veal and watch Awards shows on TV.  It’s great to take potshots at beautiful movie stars as you feel your muscles atrophy into jello.  I like the false sense of moral superiority of pointing out that a 110 pound actress “looks big” as my pale hairy body spills out over the couch. 

The Oscars are absolutely ridiculous but remain one of the most watched TV events of the year.  Even from the frozen tundra of Ohio it is easy to feel the sense of desperation and relentless careerism on display as everyone in attendance is clawing for the most desirable seats and corresponding camera time.  In the weeks leading up to the event, the press works up a frenzy trying to predict the winners.  That is one of the largest wastes of time ever, as the upcoming winners could not be any more evident.  Each year I participate in an Oscars Pool where I don’t think I have missed an award prediction in four years.  It just comes down to predicting the end of the telecast as a tie breaker. 

Best Picture “12 Years A Slave”:  You would have to be out of your mind to think that any of the movies up against a slavery film could win.  The Oscars voters are all upper class liberals that are trying to work out their white guilt but don’t actually want to get their hands dirty by doing any real volunteer work, or risk their comfortable economic existence.  A lot of feel good ideas that are bandied about in coffee shops and art gallery openings sound great until you have to actually come in contact with the alleged victims that are “at risk”.  Who wants to serve soup to inner city drug addicts and mental patients?  Vote for a movie instead.  This is the way those Oscar voters “Make A Difference”.  They vote for a movie whose subject is universally regarded as abhorrent.  The only chance a slavery movie would lose Best Picture is if a Holocaust movie got nominated.

Best Actor Matthew McConaughey “Dallas Buyers Club”:  If Matthew McConaughey doesn’t play a version of Texas Guy, he really sucks.  Since “Texas Guy” is who he really is, these roles aren’t much of a stretch.  “Hey!  He disappeared into the role!”  Of course he did.  He played a middle aged Texas guy that used to party his ass off.  The key was that he lost a shit ton of weight.  That’s what he got the award for, losing 40 pounds.  Voters love that.   It’s all they can talk about.  If a buff guy loses 40 pounds, chances are he is going to look sick and awful which is probably because he actually is sick and looks awful.  That isn’t really acting.  That is extreme weight loss, and that’s something that can’t be easy.  He’s probably a meth addict now, but at least he lost all that weight.  That’s why he got that trophy.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role Jared Leto “Dallas Buyer’s Club”:  The only way that you can top losing a shit ton of weight is play a homosexual and lose a shit ton of weight.  Starve yourself to death and act gay while in women’s clothes?  “What a brave performance!”  Oh, you mean how that skinny beautiful androgynous guy pretended to be gay and sick?  Oscar voters couldn’t give that award out fast enough.  If the movie had tied in slave labor at a Concentration Camp, that would have been referred to as “a role for the ages”.

Best Director Alfonso Cuaron “Gravity”:  The guy made a great looking outer space picture that must have been almost impossible to create visually.  Can you imagine if they spent even ten minutes on a script for that movie?  Is there a single person that walked into that movie that didn’t expect Sandra Bullock to somehow get back to Earth against tremendous odds?  The real question was how they could work the shots of her shockingly tight body into a movie about space, as we all know that space is the best place to relax in a tank top and skin tight yoga shorts.  Still, as we have discussed, Oscar voters don’t really watch the movies as a whole, but rather say “Man, I bet that was hard to do.  Give that guy a placque!”

Best Actress Cate Blanchett “Blue Jasmine”:  Cate Blanchett has now assumed the role Meryl Streep has always had as that of Important Actress.  It’s sort of like when Tom Waits puts out any album.  Even if you don’t know what the hell is going on, it is important to tell everyone how much you love it and use words like “amazing”.  This is not an indictment of Tom Waits, who I love and think is amazing, but rather the realization that certain artists get a free pass because of their past.  That’s why everyone always pretends that Springsteen’s current shitty records are really good.  Make no mistake, she was awesome in this and deserved to win.  She will win a kazillion of these awards over the next 20 years.  Every actress, regardless of their performance, in the future will say to their publicist “Fuck!  I can’t win!  That bitch Cate Blanchett is nominated!”

Best Supporting Actress Lupita Nyong’o “12 Years A Slave”:  A previously unknown black woman playing a slave that is beaten mercilessly and sexually abused on screen?  That’s a no brainer.  While many voters probably welcome the opportunity to see Jennifer Lawrence fall out of her dress while stumbling on something, the all-important guilt vote will win every time.  This was probably the closest one to call because The Establishment has decided Jennifer Lawrence is a Cate Blanchett in waiting. 

 

I didn’t win again this year as I failed to predict how long the show would run.  One would think I would be good at that, but who can predict how long a previously unknown costume designer will ramble on at the dais or the length of a dance number to an animated film that was created as product placement and tourism driver?  That is the only real coin flip of the night.  And I lost.  Damn.