Nurse the Hate: The "Rhythm To Swim" Idea

There has been a very exciting idea that has taken root in the Whiskey Wagon of late.  When Shatner decides it is time (to translate, when a Priceline “Name Your Own Price” bid is successful) and we stay at a good hotel on the road, they often have a pool.  Leo and Sugar will usually dart to the pool soon as we check in, much like 12 year olds on a doomed family vacation.  I usually feel sorry for the families that are trying to eek out a moment of relaxation on whatever travels they are on with their children, because when a very high guy that looks like a tatted up leprechaun jumps in the water, the “family time” has ended.  It is remarkable how quickly a pool can empty after those two show up and start splashing around.  One second you are on a family vacation at a high end hotel, the next your kid is floating around in the pool with a dangerous looking guy with a “celtic dragon” tattoo.  It’s a quick turnaround for folks.

After a few of these pool adventures, the two of them cooked up an idea to launch a synchronized swimming act.  They will jump into any pool, regardless of who is seated in the immediate area, and begin working on “moves”.  I should at this point note that neither of them have any actual swimming or dancing skills whatsoever.  This makes the actual execution of such created moves as “Welcome Star” and “Space Invader” as not quite as fluid as one would expect from a normal synchronized swimming duo.  I think that as long as you think of them as a punk rock synchronized swim team, or maybe an “indie” duo, then it’s not as bad.  It’s like their hard edges make them “grittier”, which after all is what you are really looking for in synchronized swimming anyway.

I was, admittedly, dismissive of this venture at first.  Then it hit me.  What if we took this a bit further?  What if we put just a little effort into making this really something?  I have a vision where we arrive at a decent hotel completely unannounced.  Maybe a dozen people are at the outdoor pool area.  I will walk into the pool area with a small PA set up, something very portable.  I will be dressed in a very out of style tuxedo, and will confidently plug an ipod and microphone into the PA.  Imagine C&C Music Factory’s “Everybody Dance Now” blaring out of a speaker with plenty of distortion and volume.  EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!  Dah! Dah! DAH DAH! Dah! Dah! DAH DAH!  EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!  “Ladies and Gentlemen!  Boys and girls!  The Ft. Wayne Hilton Hotel is proud to present… Rhythm To Swim!!!!!”

At this point Leo and Sugar will burst onto the pool area with matching swimsuits.  We are picturing Leo in a stars and stripes “mankini” (pictured above), and Sugar in something a bit more functional.  Blue bathing caps will really set off the swim suits.  They will jump into the water and begin their routine with “Welcome Star”, moving swiftly into “Swim With Porpoise” as the music blares.  These are very childlike and awkward "moves" that will certainly get the onlooker's attention.  Meanwhile I will be the MC.  “Wow!  Look at that move from Welcome Star into Swim With Porpoise!  Breathtaking!”

I don’t want to give away too much of the act, but at one point I will take two hula hoops and toss them into the water.  The music will segue into Kenny Loggins “Danger Zone”.  After exiting the water while perhaps doing The Robot, both Sugar and Leo will do a cannonball into their respective hula hoops. “Ladies and gentlemen, they are going to jump into The Devil’s Mouth!  Incredible!”  The Kenny Loggins song fills the room. RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!!  They then disappear under water, leaping out with arms extended.  “Amazing!  They go from The Devil’s Mouth right into Birth of Poseidon!”  RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!!

At this point, I would imagine hotel guests are thinking, “Why the fuck would the Hilton pay these unbelievably untalented entertainers to make us uncomfortable at the pool?  What is this?  What is going on here?”  That’s when I will light two small, rinky dink fountain fireworks at the edge of the pool while John Cougar Mellencamp’s “R.O.C.K. in the USA” blasts out of the PA while Sugar and Leo do something Sugar calls “Free Rock Dance”.  It will be important to get the show wrapped up at this point as someone will have probably gone to fetch an authority figure of some kind.  This whole thing will be tough to explain, and most of these chain hotel people are a bit too serious for my taste.  With luck, Texas Pete may have already sold a “Rhythm To Swim” black print logo on classic 80s neon t-shirt.

As the song ends, I will boldly yell out “Ladies and Gentlemen!  Rhythm To Swim!  Rhythm To Swim!” over and over while they exit the pool.  I will then quickly unplug the PA, and swiftly walk out of the pool area leaving behind nothing but unanswered questions and confusion.  This is the future of entertainment, and quite possibly our next great revenue source (depending on how the merch moves).