When I was six years old I went out for Halloween as The
Devil. I generally entered into
Halloween with the idea that my costume would be much like those I saw in TV
shows where The Brady Bunch or other TV family would go to a party in totally
incredible outfits. It never
occurred to me that the reason they looked so scary in their skeleton or devil
costumes were that a Hollywood make up and wardrobe team were throwing their
complete attention into it. I, on
the other hand, had a five-dollar budget and whatever the discount store had in
stock. As a six year old I was
convinced that the rubber mask and polyester cape I had purchased would enable
me to look exactly like Lucifer himself. I would strike fear into all those that gazed
upon me. The key was a two-foot long
plastic pitchfork. It was the
piece de resistance. I believed I
was somewhat convincing in the role.
Instead I looked like an undersized six-year-old kid in an adult sized
head mask. A fixed expression,
smiling, melon head, midget Lucifer just doesn’t pack the terror punch that I
had anticipated, but I tried to live as optimistically as I could within this
distorted reality.
My six-year-old friends were Christopher, Michael, and
Billy. I don’t know why it wasn’t
“Chris”, “Mike” and Billy as it sounds like I was running around with a bunch
of six-year-old interior decorators, but those were their names, OK? Christopher wasn’t allowed to go trick
or treat as his overprotective mother was completely convinced that he would
get maimed on a doctored treat given out by some madman. For whatever reason, the urban myth of
kids having their mouths ripped open by razor blades inserted into apples was a
known fact. Though none of us
could specifically name a kid that had that fate visit them, we all knew that
the risk of having your tongue sliced off by an apple was about 50/50. Christopher’s mother feared her son
dying from a cold in 60-degree weather, so you can imagine the idea of him
running around with jackoffs like us was completely out of the question. Christopher would spend Halloween
inside his plastic bubble.
Michael’s family was made up of 14 kids and two very tired
looking parents. His mother was
nice and his father appeared only occasionally to administer quick fierce
beatings to any child that broke a rule.
He then quickly went back into the shadows of his workshop where he
would emerge only to inflict quick justice at the urging of the mother. Michael was one of the younger kids, so
by the time he rolled around to age six the parents had almost no real interest
in what he was involved in. They
had given up. As a result he was
always a “hobo” or “pirate” on Halloween as the parents would never go buy costumes
but urge him to do something with the mountains of hand-me-downs in the
attic. Michael’s costume, as a
result, always sucked.
Billy, on the other hand, had a very artsy craftsy
mother. He would show up for
Halloween and win all school costume contests without breaking a sweat as his
mother was essentially the equal to a Hollywood big budget movie special
effects department. The year I was
a half assed devil he was a knight in shining armor. It was totally homemade and looked completely real. His mother had custom made an outfit
with painted family crest on his chest and feather protruding from the back of
a helmet with adjustable face guard.
I have seen museum pieces for child princes that looked less
convincing. I'm surprised she didn't rent him a stallion.
I felt pretty inferior next to Billy, but looking at
Michael’s piece of shit hobo outfit I was able to feel like I was at least sort
of scary. I felt like we were a
pretty intimidating crew swaggering around, though in retrospect three six year
olds dressed as a midget devil, suit of armor and a drifter doesn’t strike fear
into the hearts of men. Yet being
six years old, you don’t have a chance to feel like you have any power, so even
the illusion of being something other than six is pretty great. This was setting up to be one of the
greatest nights in my six-year-old life.
The future was ours.
A quick note…
When I was a kid it was not unusual for three six year old kids in
vision clouding costumes to walk around a neighborhood on Halloween by
themselves at night. On a normal
day we would wake up in the morning, shovel cereal down our throats as quickly
as possible to get outside exploring our world while constantly pushing the boundaries. Things have changed in America. In my neighborhood currently there are
kids that might not have ever left their yards except on parent supervised
group activities. I never see kids
running around making up their own fun.
Parents now believe that their children are always seconds away from
being featured on cable news because they were abducted/eaten by an alligator. When I was a kid we were like a pack of
feral dogs. No one had any idea of
what we were doing or frankly cared.
It was a Golden Age.
So there we were, swaggering around getting candy and being
generally badass. I felt somewhat
convinced I had frightened adults that had answered their doors to reveal a
four foot tall vision of Lucifer in a polyester cape and Keds. I stood menacingly with my two-foot
plastic pitchfork, a true vision of eternal torment. We had been out forever getting candy, which in retrospect
must have been 35 minutes. We knew
we needed to maximize our candy haul in the remaining time. This was when we made an ill-fated
choice. We decided to take a
shortcut through the woods to get to the adjoining neighborhood. Our thinking was that they would have
better and more candy since this was an exotic location a block away. This would have been my first foray
into “the grass being greener” concept.
As I was walking in the ink black woods in an adult sized
mask, I couldn’t see shit. I think
I looked through the nostril holes of the mask since my head was too
small. We formed a line down the
path. I was second in line behind
Billy, he being the most familiar with this “short cut”. Had I been more familiar with it I
would have known about the small hill we had to traverse and wouldn’t have
slipped and fallen. I somersaulted
down the treeline, banging off trees while clutching my pillowcase of candy
with a death grip. When I stopped
rolling finally my mask had shifted around completely and acted like a hostage
hood. I took a quick inventory and
figured I would have a couple bruises and bruised ego from Billy and Michael
laughing at me. Then it hit
me… My pitchfork! Where was my pitchfork? I panicked. It was at that point one of my prized possessions and the
key to my amazing costume!
I searched and searched in the darkness to no avail. Billy and Michael kept moving. “Come on! Come on!” Those
bastards left me and kept going down the trail. I heard their voices and footsteps get further away. Now I had lost my friends. My heart and mind raced. I made the difficult choice and left my
pitchfork behind and ran to try to catch them. When I emerged from the woods I couldn’t see them anywhere. They had been swallowed up by the chaos
of kids trick or treating. I was
freaking out. I lost it and began
to cry inside my smiling Lucifer mask.
There can’t be anything more pathetic than a six year old
sniffling inside a devil mask carrying a pillowcase of “fun sized” candy bars
walking home alone in disgrace. It
was a long journey back. My crying
came in waves. I had trouble
seeing through the tears and mask eyeholes. I was embarrassed I had lost my composure but as I struggled
to get control back I would think of my precious plastic pitchfork lost forever
in the woods and my complete abandonment by the alleged noble Knight and his
hobo pal. That would start the
sniffling all over again. It was a
long lonely walk home.
When I got home crying my parents wanted to know what was
wrong. “Did you slice your mouth
open with a razor blade? Check his
mouth!” No… No… I… I… I lost my
pitchfork! “You lost your
pitchfork? Is that all? Don’t worry about it.” There was a lack of empathy there that
is somewhat understandable as that pitchfork was probably $1.29 and not very
convincing. Yet, it was a big deal
to me. My parents took my candy
and inspected it, as we all knew that there was a 50/50 shot the candy was
festooned with razor blades, amphetamines, and syringes. I went up to my room in shame.
I woke up early the next morning and quickly scarfed down my
cereal. I ran out the door as
quickly as possible to the woods to look for my pitchfork. The leaves were wet with dew. The smell of autumn decay had replaced
the summer sweetness in the woods.
The hill I had fallen down seemed absurdly small compared to the
perceived monumental tumble of the previous night. I rooted around the general area. There was no pitchfork. It was gone. I
walked slowly home. When I started
up my driveway I saw Michael. He
was holding the pitchfork.
“Hey! I found your
pitchfork last night! Where did you go?”
Yes! It was back! I played it cool and intimated I went
solo trick or treating for quite some time after they had probably gone to
bed. Lone wolf, that was me. I certainly wasn’t crying like an
infant. I was doing TONS of cool
shit without you two. By the way,
where did you guys go?
I took my pitchfork to the safest place I knew, the closet
in my room. It would make only one
more appearance two years later in a poorly conceptualized demon outfit. By this time I had grown which made the
tiny pitchfork look like a small trident or oversized grilling tool. After that Halloween debacle I placed
it in the back of my closet where it remained until I packed for college and
threw it and most of my childhood away.
Even then I felt a tinge of sadness tossing it.
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