Nurse the Hate: My Unrealized Life of Crime

By the time the third salesperson hit me in Banana Republic with the antiseptic “Welcome to Banana Republic!  Just a quick reminder about our sale!  How are you doing today?”, I had no choice but to respond “Fan-Fucking-Tastic!  How about you?”.  That turned out to be as disarming as I had hoped it would.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t need help picking out inoffensive holiday gifts.  I can see the black and gray sweaters all by myself.  Thanks and no I don’t want to open a fucking Banana Republic credit card.  Just let me give you all my money for the overpriced sweater!  Please!  I beg of you!

I am absolutely hemorrhaging cash.  The Holidays are brutal.  All I want to do is flop in the ocean with the sharks but before I can do that I need to spend all my money on gifts for people that don’t need or want what I am buying them.  I definitely need an influx of cash.  I was thinking maybe stealing some valuable art and then fencing it for great profit.  However not knowing where any valuable art is located or knowing a “fence”, this will be difficult.  In the movies it’s always easy to find someone to sell stolen goods in a seedy underbelly economy.  There’s always a guy that knows a guy.  Then you meet in an alley behind a Chinese restaurant or in a backroom of an Irish Bar and make a doomed plan to sell the stolen art.  The art gets stolen from you.  You get pistol whipped.  You wake up and begin a vengeful path towards vigilante justice.  In the end you get the art, the money, and the girl.  The credits roll when you sail off Barbados in your enormous yacht.  Happy ending.  Now I can’t do any of it because I don’t know a fence.  Fuck.

I suppose I will have no choice but to gamble on football VERY aggressively.  In desperate times like this, it is important to fall back on what you know.  I am thinking about making a nice three team parlay and betting each game money line with a sense of purpose.  This is the time of the year when teams that are going to the Playoffs start to play well and teams that are out of it just don’t want to embarrass themselves.  I cannot stress how much I like the Baltimore Ravens this week against the Eagles.  The Eagles have completely fallen apart.  They have no (as in “zero”) offensive weapons.  All they do at this point is throw the ball.  Carson Wentz is about to break the Eagle rookie pass attempt record.  You know who might have picked up on that little offensive trend?  The Baltimore Ravens.  This game will be ugly and a terrific waste of time to watch, but great to chalk up as a winner when it is over.  Baltimore.

Dallas lost last week to the Giants.  They won’t lose two in a row rolling into the playoffs, especially to the Bucs 25^th rated rushing defense.  That Cowboy team is legit.  Elliot is going to run for 150+ yards.  The NFL is great.  All week long there has been the freaking out when Dallas loses media barrage.  The Cowboys may never win again!  Bring back Romo!  Let’s all hyperventilate!  It’s great for the lines.  Dallas hasn’t covered twice all year.  They’ve been a machine.  I like them minus the points, but I’m not mucking about on this.  Dallas. 

The Cleveland Browns will never win again.  Ever.  The team should be shut down.  The stadium should be demolished and the land used as a city park.  Not only should the team not be allowed to move to another city, their very existence should be erased like a terrible plague.  Having the Browns move to another city is like shipping a truckload of blankets laced with small pox.  They have no way to move the ball.  They can’t stop anyone else.  Maybe not even Buffalo.  The line is ten, but once again why risk horrible Buffalo weather keeping it close?  Buffalo.

Three team parlay pays off at 2-1.  How else you going to pay for a $90 sweater and shark diving? 

Season Record:  24-10