Nurse the Hate: Seven Earth Sized Planets Discovered! Oh no!

What an age of scientific wonder!  It was a very exciting thing to learn that there was a discovery of seven planets, some of which could be “awash in oceans and sustaining life”.   Normally these astronomy findings are a yawn, but this is a good one.  “The Trappist-1 planets make the search for life in the galaxy imminent,” said Sara Seager, an astronomer at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.  Sure, they are 40 light years away, but don’t let the distance get you down.  It’s time to focus on these and meet our new cosmic friends!

This is when things go off the rails for me.  Whenever scientists discuss finding and contacting other life in the galaxy, it is usually the same scenario.  All-knowing Super Beings travel here aboard unbelievably advanced spacecraft to deliver wisdom and enlightenment.  Gentle creatures gracefully glide out of tastefully designed sleek craft and present themselves to us to deliver gifts to benefit their new Earthling friends.  Oh mighty space creature, please allow me to understand the mysteries of life.  At last we can enjoy peaceful bliss here on Earth as all concerns have now been wiped away.

The other scenario is the Hollywood version of very angry super powerful armies of scary creatures that can not only destroy us physically but have also created weapons beyond imagination to wipe us off the planet.  Big scary spaceships arrive and somehow know that they need to blow up the White House, Eiffel Tower and Vatican ASAP.  They don’t blow up a Wal Mart distribution center.  Nope.  It’s always iconic pointless structures like the Statue of Liberty.  I have my doubts that someone would travel 40 light years away to come to a self-contained world that offers no danger to them just to kill everyone for the fun of it.  It would be like hopping in your car to drive to Guatemala to kick in an anthill.  Who needs the hassle?  Wouldn’t those space armies be flying around looking for other badass space armies to fight with via lasers?  That’s what I would do.

The one idea that no one seems to grasp is what if these aliens are less advanced than we are and require immediate help?  Our entire nation is getting worked up about this non-existent Mexican immigration menace.  Can you imagine how that plays out if the planet of Kronos decides they need to get a better life in San Diego?  Look, I don’t care what planet you live on, La Jolla is quite pleasant.  I’m sure the deadbeats of Kronos would like to walk around with an overpriced latte and look at the seals just like the yoga instructor residents of La Jolla do now.  These Trump core voters that are afraid of Mexicans will lose their minds.  “You know I thought those Mexican fellas with their brown skin and different way of talking were bad, but that’s before I saw these tentacles and antennae on these Kronos folks.  We need to build a roof on top of that wall to keep them out!”

I can see cable TV stations debating whether calling Kronos immigrants “Slimebacks” is racist.  Meryl Streep could stand quivering on the Oscars stage talking about how “some of my best friends are from Kronos”.  Johnny Depp would be tripping over himself trying to get in a band with a Kronos dude.  He would mumble away in interviews with his odd new Kronos accent about how he’s “always loved Kronos music… It’s so pure..”   Sean Penn would become a surprising new spokesman for the “Earth First” movement when he freaks out and reveals that his daughter has had a bizarre looking kid with blonde hair and tentacles with some Kronos guy that is living on Penn’s couch smoking weed.  Even I would become comfortable saying things like “I don’t have anything against them.  I have met some that are quite nice, but why do I have to pay taxes so they can just hang out at Starbucks wagging their antennae at girls all day?  I mean, I’d love to do that too, but I HAVE TO WORK!”.  Everywhere you look in urban city centers tentacles are flapping around with hissing Kronos asking “You got a dollar man?”.

Who the hell knows what is going on out there at Trappist-1?  We can’t deal with someone having a slightly different culture here on Earth.  What happens when we find out that a Krono culinary delight is eating live kittens?  Even Susan Sarandon will lose her shit on that one.  Take it from me, the move on these Trappist-1 planets is to keep an eye on them but from a nice safe distance.  Who needs the hassle?  We don’t know where to put Syrians.  What are we going to do with 2 million slithering deadbeats 40 light years from home?  “Excuse me sir?  I was on my way to work at Kronos and ran out of gas.  Do you have $4 million dollars so I can get back home?  It’s 40 light years away man..”  Meanwhile you have to do that move where you pat your pockets and pretend to look for cash…  It’s too much trouble.  Stay away from that Trappist-1.