I am on the home stretch in prepping for my doomed attempt
to pass the “still wines” WSET Diploma exam.
I am surrounded by oblique wines, computer print outs, arcane wine
books, and class materials. I am in
deep. I have ruined wine for anyone that
spends more than 11 minutes in my company.
I am shoveling the information in as fast as I can but only some of it
seems to stick. I find myself to be in “Full
Leo Mode” more often than I care to admit where I respond to a written exam
question with his characteristic “Right…
Right… What the fuck were we just talking about?”. My brain now stretches to get the details of
the answer which are just out of reach.
It might be early onset Alzheimer's, which would actually offer some comfort
in being able to blame my inability to remember anything on a progressing
medical condition instead of just general stupidity.
I have been going through past “Examiners Reports” put
out by the WSET organization. These are
recaps of previous test results from the essay portion of the exam. They are actually cruelly entertaining. There is not an author credited to these
reports, but it must be the same person as the snotty condescending tone rings
through each one of the documents.
Somewhere in England there is a domestic partner being told repeatedly by
the author “they’re doing it wrong” in such matters as garbage removal, driving
directions and sexual intercourse.
Example of a test question recap:
“This was an extremely popular
question that was answered badly by the majority of candidates attempting it.” Then the best provided example of the answer
had this caveat: “(The following script)
was one of the few higher scoring scripts for this question, but is by no means
outstanding.”
Here’s another one.
“The breakdown of marks for this question showed that it was answered
both by those who really knew the subject (with a top mark of 88%) and those
who clearly did not have a clue (a bottom mark of 10%), with the latter far
more prevalent than the former, with 24% of candidates gaining the lowest grade
–fail (unclassified).” The best one though is "In spite of the large number of truly atrocious scripts, there were also some good ones..." The WSET is not
very big on positive affirmation or encouragement. It’s much more of a Marine Corp Drill
Sergeant with a Monty Python accent. I
wonder what “Your days of finger fucking Miss Mary Jane Rotten Crotch are OVER!”
sounds like if Michael Caine said it to a platoon of Marine recruits.
I like to think of the home life of that author along
these lines. “Janet. I have provided a synopsis of your alleged
lovemaking last night. It was an unclassified
failure. There was very little attention
paid to foreplay with almost no oral stimulation, and what oral stimulation occurred
involved some teeth. The rush to the
actual penetration was ill-advised. Your
failure to utilize different positions, varying rhythms, eye contact, or
stimulation from your hands in any manner was a great disappointment. I have left a full candidate assessment on
the kitchen table. I suggest you absorb
it and return to the bedroom more prepared next time. If there is a next time. Good day!”
This is what I signed up for, so it’s my own fault I am
in this mess. There are two parts of
this exam. Tasting and theory, which is
essentially essay questions graded by the Monty Python Drill Sergeant. That will probably go poorly. There is good news. I have been tasting very well lately. It’s odd the way tasting works. I find it to be like hitting a baseball. Sometimes you’re just hot and seeing the ball
very well. I am smacking the shit out of
the thing in the last ten days, nailing obscure wines like mencia from Bierzo, petite
sirah from Lodi, Malbec from Cahor, a Gavi, a Toro, and a Valpolicella
Ripasso. Now I’m just wondering how long
I can keep “seeing the ball” like I am.
Cody Ross had an unbelievable Playoff run for the Giants on their first
World Series run. That didn’t last. I think he’s probably running a baseball camp
in Phoenix now drinking 16 oz Miller Lites and watching 12 year olds take cuts
from pitching machines. It’s a long fall
from the top. I just need to be Playoff
Cody Ross on June 14th.
I have almost no prayer in passing the essay portion on this test attempt. I can’t make
German wine law stick. I can’t reliably remember
the name of Hungarian Rivers or Austrian mountain names. I just need to get really lucky in what they
ask on this exam. I’ll bet that snotty
Monty Python Drill Sergeant is already scanning this blog entry making sure to
have extensive questions on Hungarian sweet wine production. (Or is this my plan and I am actually drawing
you into my little trap as I am
completely versed in the topic? Ask
yourself that my nemesis… How’s your
mind now? Blown?) My hope is I can keep it together and get past
tasting. In theory I can take another
run at the exam in January. There have
only been an average of about 183 people on the planet annually that have passed
this Diploma Unit since 1969. The pass
rate is unbelievably bleak. I will not
let it break me. I will get past this
thing. Somehow. I have done many things by sheer force of
will, and this will be another one.
While I have absolutely no practical application for this certification
at this point, it is my primary driver at this point. There is no great payoff at the end except
the achievement itself. And maybe
avoiding a public dressing down in the dreaded “Examiner’s Report”.
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