Nurse the Hate: Hate Standardized Employment Tests

I recently took one of those personnel/behavioral analysis tests for a work related thing.  It was one of those tests where it was a combination of math, verbal and behavioral questions in which every person tries to answer in the way that they think is the answer that the test is looking for.  It’s a nice way to know you are being judged without knowing what the criterion is for the judgement.  Hey, I’ll spend an hour doing it though if they want me to…  Then as I am taking it I become fixated on trying to figure out what they are trying to measure and then provide conflicting data.  Example:  Question one…  Agree or disagree… “When involved in a task, you prefer to work in what way?”  Answer:  Totally independently.  Then I see the topic broached again in Question 15.  They try to make it tricky like it is something totally different than they just asked you eight questions ago.  “When involved in a work project, how do you prefer to tackle the assignment?”  Answer:  In a large group with everyone possible weighing in with their opinion.

    

Now I am feeling manipulated.  When I get to the math section I deliberately solve the most difficult question correctly, something that dredges up Geometry 2 in high school when my biggest fear was not getting the question wrong at the blackboard so much as an unexpected teenage erection arising in front of everyone from nowhere as I stood there holding the chalk.  I toiled to get the answer of the impossible question and then looped back to screw up question one which was 6+5=?.  This may have been the first time I have correctly solved a geometry problem without a partial erection since 1983.  Now I’m feeling good.  I move on to the verbal.

There is a list of analogies that make no particular sense.  It’s like a verbal version of a Flaming Lips show in 1994.  “Shoe is to Megaphone as Diving Helmet is to A) Wankel Rotary Engine, B) Chimpanzee, C)  Unwanted Teenage Erection  D)  Denim Shorts”.  I like to think about someone that has not only made this nonsensical test but then edited it, debated it, and then triumphantly published it as part of their job.  Some person somewhere was paid a large sum to create that verbal game to justify if some jackass could work some corporate drone job.  Even better, corporations will then fail to hire someone immensely qualified to sell widgets because they didn’t know that “unwanted teenage erection” was the correct answer to Question 4.

I move on to the behavioral portion.  This is my favorite part.  The key to the test is to first answer almost everything as blandly as possible.  “Question 4…  What would you do if you discovered a potential client wanted you to break company policy to make a major sale?”  Answer:  The first thing I would do is call in the HR Director, General Manager, and my direct supervisor to communicate with them clearly about how this potential sale would run averse to policy.  Then I would allow their collective wisdom to serve as a guide regarding my next actions in accordance with our code of conduct.”. 

Then I make a sudden unexpected swerve in tone.  I always like to see if I can trip a trigger that will put me on a government surveillance list.  “Question 6…  If you found a wallet on the ground with a large sum of money what would you do?”  I like to answer in a way that implies trust and a bond with the test giver.  Really let them know they are getting into my core persona.  “I am glad you asked me that!  I would immediately see if there was identification in the wallet.  If I could see the person was nearby I would call out to them.  Here’s where it gets tricky.  If no one else is around, I would lure them to a nearby alley way or perhaps a hedge.  I would ask if this was their wallet with a smile on my face and let them know everything was OK to win trust.  Then, when I have earned their trust, I would swiftly choke the life out of them from this concealed position, making sure to look into their eyes with my dull expression so as to know when I have extinguished life.  I would then likely chop the body up back at my workshop, place it into small buckets filled with cement, and drop into various points along a waterway.  This is probably the best way to get the money without further incident.  I’m competitive and like to win!”  I like to really let employers know I will go the extra mile to get things done and stay focused on the task,  Plus, the attention to detail is sure to get noticed.  Then, to show I’m not heartless, I toss this in.  “If the person wasn’t there, I would pocket the cash for beer and drop the empty wallet in the mailbox so they could get their credit cards back.  It sucks to have to cancel all your cards.”  Then I go back to answering everything as blandly as possible.

I like to imagine what happens when those answers hit the company that has to analyze the data.  I would think mine will very swiftly move into a “special folder”.  There will likely be a conference call where very serious voices will discuss concern about “the walking time bomb” in their employ.  I am shooting for the profile of “evil genius” or perhaps “highly unpredictable sociopath”.  I think either of those diagnoses could lead to a series of very awkward meetings with people I didn’t even know were employed at the company.  It will be fun.  I like to meet new people at work.