Nurse the Hate: NFL Week 5

Life is filled with painful lessons.  There are only a few real opportunities while most of the rest of the time is spent waiting around hoping for the next one.  The Butthole Surfers, not normally associated with clear thinking, said it best on their “Sweat Loaf” intro.  It’s better to regret something you have done than something you haven’t done.  Damn straight.  I was reading an article about a woman that worked in a hospice.  She said there was a common theme amongst her patients.  She becomes closely bonded with almost everyone in her care as they sink into their final hours.  Almost to a person, they all speak of having regrets about what they did not do, and almost never having regrets for what they have done. 

She spoke of a man in his late 80s.  He had lived what would be considered a full life.  He had outlived all of his friends, his wife, and his one child.  He was alone in the darkened room, keeping his eyes shut as he veered back and forth between consciousness.  The smell of industrial grade disinfectant hung heavy in the air.  His skin had become thin like a baby bird.  He had become weaker and weaker to the point where he needed the nurse to lean in to hear what he was trying to say via a breathy whisper.  She said right before he died he urgently was trying to say something to her.  Unable to raise his hands, he moved his fingers to try and get her attention.  She leaned in and he raised his head slightly to bring his mouth closer to her ear.  “I have one major regret.  I should have bet against the Browns more.”

No one has ever lost money consistently betting against the Browns.  In a world of chaos where almost nothing can be counted on, this remains a constant.  It is a rock that one can moor oneself onto like faith, love, and tradition.  Each Sunday when the sun rises from the East, it is certain that it will set in the West and the Browns will lose that day.  It is the only thing I truly believe in anymore.  Everything else is illusion.  But this week presents a real conundrum.  Browns vs. Jets. 

I have been very vocal on the idea that the Jets never cover the spread.  An apparition which I believe to this day to be a road tripping Jesus said this directly to me prior to walking across the pool at the Flamingo Resort in Las Vegas to get a towel for his chair.  While that might have been a small miracle, he was just getting started.  The Lord and I won a great deal of money on blackjack that day.  Yet, this little morsel about the Jets has been even more profitable in the long run.  Now I find myself torn by a situation that seems designed to test what little faith I have left.  On the one hand, I know that the Browns cannot win this game.  It is impossible.  They don’t have the personnel, the front office, or the coaching necessary to win a game in the NFL.  Ever.  However, the Son of God himself told me that the Jets NEVER cover the spread.  Quite a situation.

There is but one solution.  Yes, my old friend The Teaser is back.  With The Teaser, I believe I can “middle” my ever slipping faith in Christianity and related teachings involving the New York Jets vs my absolute conviction in the Browns never winning a game.  How about this for a complicated three team teaser?  New York Jets +10 over the Browns/49ers +11.5 over Colts/Packers +12.5 over Cowboys.  Let that sink in for a second.

With this particular wager we have committed one of the cardinal sins in gambling by taking two bad teams in the Jets and 49ers.  There is an axiom in gambling to NEVER bet on bad teams.  Yet, can this rule allow flexibility when you gamble against terrible teams?  The Jets and 49ers are bad.  The Browns and Colts are terrible.  It is rather terrifying to lock hard earned cash onto McCown and Hoyer, two spooky QBs from the Ghosts of Browns Past, but we are not asking for much here.  They just can't personally lose these games by more than two scores over absolutely awful teams.  Meanwhile I have every belief that Aaron Rodgers will throw for 17 touchdowns against a non-existent Dallas defense.  That game should be close.  The Packers don't feel like the weak link in this chain.  No, it's the Jets...  Praise Jesus and let's go J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!

Season Record: 4-5