Nurse the Hate: WSET Fortified. Again.

I am focused on fortified wines again.  I am scheduled to re-take my fortified wine exam for this never ending WSET Diploma quest in three weeks.  I failed the fortified exam last time despite having a reasonable grasp on the material and identifying the three wines cold on the exam even before tasting them.  I had been drinking so much sherry and madeira, I could wake up from a deep sleep and tell you something was a malmsey madeira on scent alone.  Even with a simple gaze I could blurt out “oloroso sherry!”, yet still failed the exam.  I couldn’t figure out why I had failed, so I eventually exchanged terse emails with my English educational overlords to have the test results explained to me.  For a mere 300 pounds, I learned that my answers were “adequate” but I still failed.  I never really got a clear explanation how “adequate/adequate/adequate” = “fail”.  I did learn how the English educational system worked though and finally figured out how to deal with the language of the desired answers. 

When writing answers for these exams, it is always good to pretend that the reader is a slightly annoyed, very critical Brit that is barely paying attention to you.  Whereas I initially answered things assuming it was coming from one person with a reasonable wine knowledge base to another, I transitioned into pretending it was someone that had a hair trigger temper and was ready to blow if I didn’t tell them everything.  Those English are more ornery than they let on.  It's not all tea and crumpets over there.  It's getting your balls ripped off over small infractions.  It wasn't all their fault though.  I'm a breezy American that does not possess the proper amount of reverance for the subject matter, so that allows a certain amount of understandable hate to creep in.

It might have also been a mistake to note “sherry is a wine that is always being talked up as being just about ready to make a comeback to popularity, but that’s essentially bullshit because normal people hate sherry”.  I also probably didn’t need to suggest “madeira is drunk by 1700s ship captains, Ben Franklin, and guys with waxed mustaches.  It is currently known for being a great drink to lord arcane knowledge over other normal people that just want a Bud Light or a Jager shot.  Tourists buy it in the airport when visiting Madiera and then try to serve it to guests back home over the holidays who will discreetly pour it down the drain when their hosts aren't looking.”.  Maybe not the best answers.  Lesson learned.

So I'm now sitting on a lifetime supply of port, madeira and sherry.  I am knee deep in Beaume de Venise, palo cortados, Rivesaltes, and even a Maury.  I have been trying to re-calibrate my palate back into being able to differentiate between a Ruby port with medium plus alcohol and a Crusted Port with high fortified alcohol without destroying what are left of my functioning internal organs.  My fear is that these organs will give out as I take the exam itself and fluids will pour out of my body out of every available orafice as I struggle to draw a primitve drawing of the Spanish solera system.  The situation is not ideal.

If anyone reading this has any interest in drinking an ocean of fortified wines of mixed quality, please get in touch with me as soon as possible.  I have an absurd brigadeer outfit I would be willing to change into to help lend a certain atmosphere as I ply you with fortified wines that could choke a wild boar.  Then again, perhaps you might exalt in a nice Harvey's Bristol Cream as we speak like elderly British grandmothers.  I will warn you though, you will have to spring for the crumpets.