Nurse the Hate: Thanksgiving Galaxy of Wagers Part 1

When I was a kid in Philadelphia, I remember going to a Thanksgiving parade with my father downtown.  The air was crisp with that first hint of winter despite the sun gamely trying to warm the day.  The breeze rattled the fallen leaves on the sidewalk.  There were street cart vendors selling hot dogs and a man standing in front of a fire selling roasted chestnuts.  I was very impressed by the chestnut vendor.  I had seen a man selling chestnuts in a Charles Dickens TV adaption and I really wanted to try them.  “You don’t want those” my father said as he hustled me by.  I did want those.  I have yet to have street vendor roasted chestnuts.

I have almost no other memory of that day except the drive home.  We were twisting around secondary streets trying to get back to the highway.  Most of the key cross streets were closed due to the parade route.  We made a turn and found ourselves facing an older apartment building fully erupted into a fire.  Our route was blocked, so we pulled over and parked.  It was chaotic.  Multiple fire engines were just arriving.  Brilliant orange and red flames exploded out of a shattered window.  The gathering crowd gasped.  A skinny young black girl in jeans was running around the firemen yelling to no particular person in person “I don’t know where he at!  I don’t know where he at!”.  The firemen ignored her as they methodically pulled hoses from the trucks.  It smelled of must and smoke.

I stood with my back against a tree.  I was afraid of getting tossed into the chaos but was utterly riveted to the action.  This was like watching “Emergency” on TV but much better.  The flames whooshed out making the building sound like it was breathing.  The hoses turned on.  A young fireman grabbed an axe and ran right into the front door of the flaming building, bounding up the stairs.  I could not have been more impressed.  I would recreate that moment in my mind pretending to be him as I ran up the stairs of my house whenever I went to my room for the next two years.  My father and I stood and watched not saying a word.  The skinny black girl sat on the asphalt and started crying.  My father touched my shoulder and said we should go.  We got in the car and drove home silently.

I don’t remember anything else about that day.  I’m sure the football games were on TV when we got home.  Thanksgiving football is the one constant I have had in my life.  I am comforted by the idea that no matter what happens and regardless of the circumstances surrounding me, I will be able to bet against the Lions on Thanksgiving.  The Lions had an awful run where they went 1-12 on Thanksgiving, but have since won the last four years.  I’m in this thing for the long haul, so I am guessing the Lions regress back to their rightful place as disappointing the people of Michigan on Thanksgiving Day.  They have only beaten one team with a winning record this season, and that was Minnesota early.  It’s hard to beat the same team twice (assuming we aren’t talking about the Browns).  Even now I can see Whiskey Daredevils producer extraordinaire John Smerek muttering “fucking Lions” as the game winds down.  I’m on Minnesota -2.5

I have been saying all season long that the Chargers aren’t as bad as people think.  Now, this is hardly a ringing endorsement.  They are 4-6 after all.  They are probably the best team in the AFC West, which is like saying Glenn Fry is your favorite member of the Eagles.  When you hear something like that there is no recourse but to smile and offer lip service like “Oh, that’s so nice.”.  Still, let us agree that the Chargers are OK.  Not great.  They’re OK. 

Dallas is not OK.  They are 1-4 ATS at home.  The left tackle situation is bleak.  Dak Prescott is literally running for his life out there.  All those bubbly accolades he collected last season behind that impenetrable offensive line have disappeared.  It’s not his fault.  The Cowboys are bad right now and with Zeke suspended, now they're worse.  The Chargers, 3-1-1 ATS on the road do a great job of hanging around in games.  I’m guessing that the ugly Dallas defense fails to get it done and San Diego wins a close one.  Please note, I am not totally sold on this either, but it’s Thanksgiving so I am rolling with it.  San Diego pick ‘em.      

I fully expect to be heavily intoxicated on copious quantities of wine by the time the late game rolls around.  Washington vs the Giants is difficult to get excited about.  The Giants are playing with their eighth different OL combination in the last 11 games.  The Redskins were unable to practice on Tuesday because Coach Jay Gruden was quoted as saying “we don’t have enough healthy guys to go 11-on-11”.  This does not exactly portend to a great football game.  The Giants somehow won last week.  They are 1-5 ATS after a win.  So let’s bet the Redskins!  Well, the Skins are 1-6 ATS at home.  There is only one way to go on this.  The over.  The Redskins are 14-2 on the over versus losing teams.  The Redskins are 14-2 on the over after a loss.  Good enough for me.  Why complicate your Thanksgiving with rooting for a team with a bunch of players you can’t identify that are badly limping around?  It’s way better to be drunkenly looking at the screen saying things like “There you go!” when someone you’ve never heard of scores.  Washington/Giants OVER 45.

Season Record:  11-13-1

Each Thanksgiving Krusty emerges from his gambling cocoon.  He shakes himself awake, opens a domestic light beer, and assembles what he refers to as his “galaxy of wagers”.  Despite having almost no working knowledge of anything going on in the sports world, with the exception of a steady diet of Buffalo Bills sports talk, he will create absurd parlays and teasers.  Each game result has ramifications on multiple wagers.  It is a spider’s web of decadence.  I am considering doing him one better with two ridiculous Thanksgiving bets.  Gaze upon these with wonder:

PARLAY

Minnesota money line

Washington/Giants OVER 45

Mississippi State football money line (over Mississippi in the hotly contested Egg Bowl)

Xavier basketball (over George Washington)

St Mary’s basketball (over Harvard)

Or perhaps this…

TEASER

Lions +10

Chargers +5.5

Giants +14.5

Mississippi State -7.5

The key is maintaining a “how could this possibly lose” mindset as if it is inconceivable that the Chargers could lose to the Cowboys by a touchdown.  Another key is to make sure that you are a few drinks in as the wager is assembled and a strong Enabler is nearby.  Example:  “Krusty…  Get a load of this!  Lions plus ten, Chargers plus five and half, Giants plus 14 and a half and Miss State gives seven and a hook!  The only one that even slightly concerns me is San Diego.  The rest are a lock!”  Krusty takes a sip off his third beer.  “Run that by me again…  OK…  Yeah, I’m in on that!”.  About three hours later the whole thing blows up when the Vikings hit an otherwise meaningless field goal to win by 13.  The heavy drinking begins with a new scheme and so on.

I will advise when The Galaxy of Wagers is launched.  Stay tuned.