There was a news story about a woman being killed by an
alligator in South Carolina. I’m
immediately drawn to those stories as I am always interested in someone meeting
their demise from a monster. It’s a much
more exciting headline than “Man Slumps Over At Taco Bell From Heart Attack
After Eating Cheese Explosion Nachos”. There
is something primal and tangible about a reptile bursting out of the water and
pulling a screaming human into the depths. For reasons I can’t explain, I’m always sad
when I hear about the alligator being captured and killed in the
aftermath. The alligator was just being
an alligator. It’s not his fault. Nancy exhibited poor safety protocol by
walking a little snack by the water’s edge.
I can understand public opinion not being with me on this. Clearly it would be uncomfortable to stroll
around the lake in future weeks to note, “Hey, there’s that alligator that ate
Nancy”. That probably wouldn’t play at
the Neighborhood Association Meeting.
In the scale of things, this is a minor news event. Yet, all morning TV news programs jump all
over it because we ALL want to know about a scary monster attacking. It’s ratings gold. One of the only disappointments is the
stories all follow the same formula.
Person with dog walks by alligator.
Alligator does what alligators do and attacks. Police say, “It’s a helluva thing. Oh, and we neutralized the alligator.” Animal expert in interview says “that was a
bad idea to walk by the alligator with a miniature poodle”. Then family and friends eulogize the deceased
while a series of grainy stolen Facebook photos pan back and forth. “Nancy was the nicest person you ever met,
only doing things for others. She would
do anything for anyone. This is a tragic
loss. We will miss her forever. She was a saint.”
This is when I wish the news story was a little less
flowery. Maybe they should dig in there
a bit. For example, let’s say that I
wander too close to the pond by my house walking the bassets and an enormous
eel strikes. He’s a monster. Fifty feet long with a mouth as big as a
Jetta. Maybe I even valiantly fight the
eel off and allow the bassets to drift off for their escape before being pulled
flailing into the pond. State animal
protection agents rush to the scene and dynamite the sea monster, dragging it
out of the pond with a tractor. “This was
a tragic event which could have been prevented.”, said State Wildlife officer
Brandon Kerns. “This is Eel Country in
Lorain County. Residents should know not
to walk too close to brackish water.”
There is then a montage of clipped Facebook pictures of me in cowboy hats, Mexican
wrestling masks, and hopefully an awkward portrait from the early 90s. “Greg was an OK guy I guess. He was always a little standoffish and his
sarcasm seemed to have a bit too much of a bite. He didn’t seem to care about others all that
much. He wasn’t quite right in my
opinion. Clearly his best years were
behind him. All and all, I don’t know
how much of a loss this was. I mean, an
eel’s gotta eat, right?” said local neighbor Bob Stanley. Then the story cuts to the studio where the
anchor sounds serious and quickly brightens up.
“A cautionary tale for those of us near ponds… Coming up next, a local cat water skis for
charity!”
The current news stories of alligator attacks never really satisfy
like that one would. Sure, in theory I
feel badly for Nancy getting eaten by the alligator. It had to be a very bad surprise when that
roared out of the lake, one that Nancy was ill-equipped to handle. Her dog had to be more than a bit
concerned. I agree that conceptually, it’s
a terrible tragedy. However, it’s just
something on TV. It’s not real. It’s the same as Game of Thrones, like a
dragon attacked. Look, I’m not even sure
if South Carolina is real. I just can't generate real feelings of connection. The only
thing that really caught my eye was this…
The dog was OK.
Yeah, if just the pud had been scooped would've been nary a peep from CBS team this morning. I could see them all thinking "dayum, I've been to that resort." Do poodles even require walking?
ReplyDeleteI used artistic license on the poodle. It could have been a mastiff but based on the photo I saw of Nancy (also not her name) I sensed a small dog of some kind.
ReplyDelete