Nurse the Hate: The Master Sommelier Debacle

I have been following with great interest the scandal that has rocked the Court of Master Sommeliers.  I recognize that this is perhaps the most pompous sentence ever typed in this blog, but hear me out.  The Court of Master Sommeliers is the highest level of professional achievement for a wine professional in the hospitality industry.  It is a series of three almost impossible exams designed to be insanely ballbusting that were popularized by the documentary “Somm”.  It was designed to be the most difficult exam in the world to pass.  It’s one of the reasons I flung myself into the WSET Diploma.  I watched Somm and said “I bet I could pass that.”.  I decided that since a Master Somm title would include me becoming a middle aged waiter, I would see if I could pass the equally impossible Master of Wine, which doesn’t require serving wine in a restaurant.

It is also worth noting that the lack of understanding of what a sommelier is much less how to pronounce it here in Ohio made the Master of Wine title more intriguing to me.  At least once a week someone finds out that I have passed the WSET Diploma and then asks “So are you a soma…somma…summa…serma…?”  I then answer, “You mean a sommelier?  No, I don’t know anything about service.  I went on trade side which means...”  At this point the person I am speaking with has checked out of the conversation.  Nobody really gives a shit unless you are deep in it.  Let's be honest.  It's just wine and most people could care less.

The interesting thing is that the Somm documentary made some of those guys minor rock stars in the restaurant world.  When I say “rock star”, I mean like “Modest Mouse” not “Metallica”.  Still, there are perks with being in Modest Mouse.  Suddenly there was more incentive to try and get this title.  The financial compensation is much better as a Master Somm too.  The salary differences for a Master Somm and the next level down is an average salary moving from $80k to $120K.  That’s a good hit.  So if you are in the somm business, the pressure is on the get that Master Somm title.  Nobody cares if you are the next level down.  Hell, I don’t even know what it’s called and I’ve got my toe in that world.

I noticed about a month ago that the Court of Master Sommeliers had made an announcement that a record 24 new Master Somms had earned the title at this year’s exams.  That’s an amazing number.  For example, in 2013 there were 70 people that tried to pass and only 1 of them did.  Nobody that sat the exam in Europe this year passed.  Most candidates sit for the exam 2-3 times and some take it as many as six times.  Only 9 people have ever passed it on the first try.  There are only 273 people in the world that have ever earned the distinction of Master Somm.  That is a smaller number than have been in space.  Yet, 24 of 56 passed this year?  Well, that seems odd…

This is where things become murky.  After the results were announced a lawyer contacted the Court of Master Somms to convey that “some impropriety had occurred” around the tasting exam.  By the way, I love that it was put that way and not “some fuckers cheated”.  The lawyer told the Court that the identities of the wines had been “compromised” prior to the exam by someone within the Court.  Cue dramatic music!  It appears that one of the “Masters” on some committee or another told some candidates what the wines were going to be on the exam.  I am not sure of his motivation in doing so, but I am sure that info is still to come as he is cast from the Somm Kingdom in shame.  I’m hoping for a ceremony like the infamous Game of Thrones “Shame! Shame!” scene. I’d fly out to San Francisco to be part of that mob, because who doesn’t like to be part of a mob?  I’d make sure I was real dirty and spoke in broken Olde English as I threw my rotten fruit too.  “Ya fookin’ piker!”  (Please note, I am not really 100% sure what a “piker” is, but it sounds good in that context, so cut me a break.)     

The tasting portion is the most notorious part of the Master Somm exam.  Candidates are given six wines.  Within 25 minutes they must accurately describe and identify these wines.  It’s unbelievably challenging.  Blind tasting is a lot like hitting a baseball in that some days you see the pitches well, and some days you don’t.  You still have to come in and take your swings.  In the case of the Master Somm exam, it’s like taking an at bat in the bottom of the ninth of Game 7 of the World Series, bases loaded, your team is down by one and it’s ALL ON THE LINE.  Your entire life has been focused on this 25 minutes.  The tens of thousands of hours you spent on preparation comes down to the fact that on a particular morning, are you picking up the scent of sour cherry and dust that lets you know this is a Chianti Classico and not a Riserva Rioja which has cherry fruit notes but usually cleaner and with a hint of American oak?  Meanwhile your pulse is maxing out and the clock is ticking ticking ticking…  The opportunity to know what those wines were walking into that exam would have been hard to resist.  An extra $40,000 a year for a couple decades is a cool $800,000 more of income.  I get it.  

So now the Court has stripped the title of 23 of the people that passed because they can’t know for sure who cheated and who didn’t.  They are all shrouded in guilt, regardless of how fair that is. These people are all going to have to re-take the exam, which even if they passed legitimately last time, is no indication that they will pass again.  The cruelest fate would be to have passed, strut around for a month after you got your results, have it stripped away, and then fail on the re-take when you never cheated in the first place.  It’s what I believe is referred to as “a sticky wicket”.  The exam, unbelievably pressure packed, would now have the additional pressure of positioning you as a cheat if you failed on the re-take.  Sure, no one will come out and accuse you.  It would be even worse, with sideways glances and smirks behind your back.  It’s a bad situation.

Perhaps the best part of all has been the vindictive and self righteous attacks amongst the somm community in online discussions of this topic.  It's as big a story as "Japanese Bomb Pearl Harbor" to this group.  There doesn’t seem to be a level of self awareness that almost no one knows or cares about the achievement outside of this tight circle, which I always find fascinating.  It’s like when two guys turn on each other fighting about if an obscure band is truly “punk rock”.  If you strip away the words “indications of oxidation” and replace it with “Black Flag was hardcore not punk”, these arguments could be from an issue of “Maximum Rock and Roll” magazine circa 1992.  This proves that dudes will argue about anything and love to make special clubs for themselves.  As far as I can tell, there has never been a single woman that has lowered herself into the muck of an online wine argument.  Oh, and hardcore and punk are essentially the same thing but with heavier guitars in the case of hardcore.  There, I said it.

Grown men that are members of a “court” have lost face. When men that wear fussy suits are pissed, no one is going to like what happens next. I sense “edicts and proclamations” forthcoming.  I don’t know how it will all play out in the end, but I will tell you this.  That re-take exam will be the ultimate ballcrusher that NO ONE is going to pass.  Look for obscure wines with razor thin flavor differentiators put together in an order meant to blow minds.  The guy that leaked the wines is going to be strung up on the tower at Chateau Latour while crows peck at his eyes.  Fookin’ piker.  I feel sorry for those poor bastards on the re-take.  It’s a long grim road ahead.  They need to focus on what is important.  They need to listen to Black Flag’s “My War”, clear their minds and wonder “Is this hardcore or just punk?”.