It has been a week of crisis. I had forgotten to order my Illy espresso
capsules on Amazon, the single least cost effective/environmentally conscious
way to have a small cup of rocket fuel in the morning. I got that espresso monkey on my back a few
years ago when I went to Portugal on a redeye and needed to stay awake until a
reasonable hour to re-acclimate my body clock.
I was sitting outside in an outdoor café in Lisbon, the sun shining down
on me, drinking a black sludgy espresso and thought “I like this. Why did I stop drinking these?”. And just like that, I was back on the junk.
While wandering around France and having their notoriously
bad coffee, I stumbled into an Illy branded café. Besides the high quality of the espresso, the
smart Italian design won me over. I’m a
sucker for good packaging. Next thing I
know, there’s an overpriced Illy espresso machine on my counter and I’m locked
in to only buying their capsules as none other will work in the machine. Damn. That’s
how they get their hooks into you. Now I’m
a slave to the Pusherman and his expensive capsules.
I’m not sure how my good friends at Amazon and their legion
of digital product pushing slaves allowed me to run out of powder. Yet, on Monday morning I discovered an empty
tin of capsules. This left me no other
choice than to go to the dreaded suburban Starbucks. This is a mission fraught with danger. The sheer amount of wasted time that is
possible in a suburban Starbucks cannot be overstated. I am sure there is a graph available that
illustrates the number of suburban women ordering multi ingredient drinks
involving whipped cream, caramel, chocolate, gummy bears, and pixie sticks versus
average time spent in the establishment.
A quick word of advice… Never,
under any circumstances, enter a Starbucks line behind four college girls in
sweat pants. There will be more whipped
cream and “double pumps” involved than any porn movie from the 1970s. You’ll never get out of that line.
However, perhaps the biggest issue of all is when standing
behind someone that somehow arrives at the counter unprepared. I really need someone to walk me through
this. The guy in front of me is fucking around
on his phone while waiting for the yoga pant legion to order their high calorie
dessert drinks masquerading as coffee before he can order. I am 100% ready with my order. I am focused and cognizant of everyone else
in line probably also being under a time constraint. I wrongly assume this is a shared state of
mind. That is confirmed when the guy in
front of me looks up from his phone to the woman at the counter and says the
following. “Umm… Ahhh…. Let’s see…”
Look man, did this actually come as a complete surprise to
you that you would eventually be asked what you wanted? Were you stunned to discover all the options
available to you despite standing directly in front of these options for a
solid 10-12 minutes with nothing else to do but narrow down why you walked into
this store in the first place? I almost
killed him when he began to squint closer at the bakery case and say “I was
thinking about the egg sandwich” as if to float this concept by the woman at
the counter that he would receive the positive affirmation to pull the trigger
on the order. “An egg sandwich? What a devilishly clever idea! Let’s discuss your drink options and see if
we can zero in on something that might be perfect for you!” I spent less time buying my last car.
Look, I need to stay out of that Starbucks. I also need some NFL winners this week. That’s why I am getting on the Kansas City
Chiefs +3.5 over the Rams. This game was
supposed to be played in Mexico City.
The cerebral Boy Wonder coach Sean McVeigh decided to give his Rams an
edge by practicing at altitude in Denver all week to get ready for Mexico City’s
conditions. Little did he know that the
NFL flew down to check out the conditions in Mexico City and found out the
field was totally fucked up, as things in Mexico are generally fucked up. Game cancelled in Mexico City and now to be
played in LA. This means that the Rams
played in LA on Sunday, flew out to Denver on Monday, got the word on Tuesday,
and then flew back to LA on Wednesday. That’s
not ideal while trying to prepare for arguably the best team in the NFL. So, to review, you get the best offense in
the league + 3.5 points against a road weary team with an overrated defense. I will have a doppio espresso and Kansas City +3.5.
We all have things we would like to do. I would like to go deep water cage diving
with great white sharks. I would like to
travel to the Piedmont wine region of Italy.
I would like to lounge in the lobby of the Peninsula Hotel with
champagne and good conversation. I would
like to be able to reliably pronounce French wine label words. I would also like to believe in the Chicago
Bears.
I had a lengthy conversation with a friend that spent a good
chunk of time trying to convince me the Bears are loaded! When I think of the
Bears, I think of second rate offense struggling in the wind and mud while
bundled up fans look on with irritated facial expressions. That might be of a result of my mind being
frozen in time as a clearly outgunned Bears QB Bob Avellini ran around tossing
interceptions in the 1970s. The play of
Bob Avellini is a childhood trauma, like the time I got hit in the temple with
a rock from that finky Spath kid, or when I got bullied as a seven year old by
our bus driver because I was a “hippie”.
Side note, though I did have long hair for the time and place, it should
be clear that I was about as square as can be, though I did own a copy of the “Woodstock”
movie soundtrack. I think the bus driver’s
physically aggressive behavior led to my unease with public transportation
while the Woodstock double LP led to an otherwise unexplained fondness for
Jefferson Airplane.
Let’s not get too sidetracked in psychoanalysis. Here’s what I see. The Vikings defense keeps playing well. The defense has the allowed the lowest 3rd
down conversion in football. That keeps
them in every game. The Vikings have had
a couple of big stage losses that taint public perception on them. Yet they have won 4 of their last 6 and the
losses were one score games to the Rams and Saints. Meanwhile the Bears have won 3 of 5, the wins
being against the uninspiring trio of Buffalo/Jets/Lions with the losses to
Patriots and Dolphins. I’m not bought in
on the Bears being able to beat good teams while in the limelight on Sunday
night. This game will be close, so I
will tease the Vikings with the Chargers.
The Chargers do what good NFL teams do, win the games they
are supposed to win. Are they the best
team in the AFC? Nope. Are they better than the Broncos? Yes, they are! The Broncos are 1-3 on the road, and get
exposed when they leave the oxygen depleted confines of Mile High. The Chargers will probably win a game closer
than it should be, but that’s all we’ll need.
The Chargers are a great team to root for if you are looking to have a
team you like lose in the first round of the playoffs. Surf’s up.
Vikings +8.5/San Diego -1
Season Record: 7-7
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