Nurse the Hate: My Old Bassets and NFL Week 3

 

Those are my two basset hounds in their younger colorful fur.  My two bassets are old and rickety now.  Having an older dog is a bittersweet situation.  They completely know and abide by all the systems that have been established.  They have been with you for so long that even the slightest change in their personalities are perceptible.  Yet, like old cars, they are in constant need of maintenance and observation for dings and dents.  Senior dogs require patience and understanding.  My two bassets have the same ridiculous sense of confidence and swagger they have always had, but you can see their frustration with their growing list of physical ailments.  The male now requires consistent reassurance, his slightly muted personality likely from physical discomfort he can't express to me as the result of what I would guess is a disease silently ticking away inside him.  His sister has a dozen issues with her, yet is still confident in her place at the top of the hierarchy despite walking like a drunken sailor from some sort of stroke a couple years ago.  They make quite a pair and I love both of them completely.

I have always owned basset hounds.  The breed and I understand each other.  This is not a dog for everyone.  They are stubborn con artists, virtually untrainable.  As part of their long con they run on you, they are also affectionate, laid back, and funny without knowing they are the punchline.  Despite being relatively chilled out, they can be a real handful.  Having had a basset hound for 40+ years of my life, there is another constant.  Whenever you are walking the dog, no matter what age the dog is, the first question people will ask is "How old is that dog?".  Every fucking time.  

I think because the basset has a saggy face and sad expression, everyone thinks they are senior dogs even as puppies.  I don't understand why people all ask the question though.  What is it they are trying to glean from this information?  Maybe because the dog is so ridiculous looking, they are wondering "Is that what this animal is supposed to look like?".  Usually the "How old is this dog?" question is immediately followed up with "What is their life span?".  I know that this is generally asked innocently as people are trying to grasp what is happening with this odd looking dog, but it is a horribly insensitive question.  

This morning I was walking the bassets on a painfully slow walk.  It's like walking two Galapagos Tortoises.  I rarely use a leash as it is impossible for them to run away and create any drama.  If one of them should come up with a big idea to run somewhere, I am on top of them before they have made three steps.  They will stop and sniff at imperceptible patches of interest in tree lawns, oblivious of any need to keep the procession moving.  It took me 55 minutes today to walk around the block.  At one point they both decided to lay down in someone's front lawn and just observe a man loading a van.  They do what they do.

When we were almost halfway back around the block, a grandmother and her two grandkids came out to greet the bassets.  "How old are they?"  They are almost 11.  The grandmother gave me a concerned look.  "What's their lifespan?"  About 12.  "Oh.  They're old."  Now, let's flip this around.  How about if I ask the grandkids, "How old is your grandmother?"  Oh, she's 75.  "What's the normal lifespan of a grandmother?"  78.  "Ohhhh.  She's old."  I mean, c'mon lady, cut me a break.  I know these are old creaky dogs.  You don't need to say to me on a gorgeous autumn day "How's your walk going?  Did you remember how little time you probably have left with your dogs?".  I don't need that.  I have to focus on the games for God's sake and enjoy my bassets. 

I am going in strong with the Browns this week.  Make no mistake, I don't think the Browns are an elite team.  This is more about me thinking the Bears suck, and with rookie QB Justin Fields making his first start, will have trouble making long sustained drives.  The Bears longest pass play in two weeks is 22 yards.  Fields in his brief NFL career is showing a tendency to look at his primary receiver and then run.  This does not suggest great success for the passing game.  The Browns are #6 against the run,  This would concern me as a Bears fan.  Rookie QBs also love to turn the ball over, just like Fields did last week in his heroic attempt to snatch a loss from the jaws of victory when he tossed a backbreaking INT on his own 7.  If the Browns get up two score early, this could turn into a rout.  Browns -7.

There is some Whiskey Daredevil van terminology called "An Eel".  It will take too long to explain, but it has something to do with when you drive on an interstate past a serene looking farm pond, our belief that enormous 65 foot long eels lie silently in wait to swiftly consume you whole if you get sucked into wandering too close to the water's edge.  In retrospect this is an updated hillbilly version of The Sirens calling the sailors onto the rocks in Jason and the Argonauts mythology fame.  The bottom line is whatever looks too good to be true can't possibly be true.

The Arizona -7.5 line versus Jacksonville looks like an eel.  Jacksonville has all the signs of being the worst team in the league, depending on whatever the Jets do of course.  Urban Myer is already planning his possible exit to USC.  Someone must have told him that he can't recruit all the good players from other teams and then play Purdue 8 weeks a year.  Trevor Lawrence has thrown 36% of his passes that have qualified as "uncatchable passes" as per advanced football metrics.  There is no one on the roster behind Lawrence to step in to give him a moment to try and figure it out.  The Jaguars don't look like a losing team, they look uncompetitive across the board.  Meanwhile Arizona looks like a legit playoff contender.  The line is 7.5?  This has to be a trick where I get knocked out and someone cuts out my kidneys.  I know this, but I am unable to stop myself.  I am all in on Arizona -7.5.  

I am of the opinion that the Minnesota Vikings are better than their 0-2 record indicates.  I am not suggesting they are a playoff juggernaut team, but more like one of those teams that is on that "In The Hunt" graphic when they are 7-7.  Viking fans are going to be disappointed in their ugly ass purple gear.  Fuck them and fuck the Vikings.  However they are +2 at home versus the Seahawks, a team that seems to exclusively win via late game Russell Wilson theatrics.  This game will be close.  I am going to tease Minnesota up to +8 and then Miami up to +9.5.  The entire city of Las Vegas is filled with Hispanic guys in Raider gear standing line line buying Raiders -3.5 tickets, jostling in line with MMA fans and NASCAR dipshits, all of them sure Miami will lose without starter Tua.  No one is betting on Miami.  Newsflash.  Tua is terrible.  Jacoby Brissett, who is the very definition of "lackluster", might have been an upgrade.  All we need for a winner here is Brissett to play his normal game of avoiding risk and not losing by double digits.  Sunday is a good day for a sucker bet.  Minnesota +8/Miami +9.5.  

Current record:  2-4