Nurse the Hate: Hate the Yankee Fan

I am now down to only 5 pair of Indians tickets per season after my leap from the Tribe's flaming wagon of crushed dreams and low expectations last year. One of the games I always make sure to pick in my completely irritating ticket draft before the season begins is a game vs the Yankees. It's always fun to hate the Yankees for what they represent, as well as see players you see on TV more than Seinfeld characters. Plus the stadium is usually crowded, giving the affair the look and feel of an actual professional sporting event.

What I forget about every year is how much I hate the Yankee fans that overrun the stadium. Where the fuck do these Guidos and Douchebags come from? The average Cleveland crowd looks pretty much the same regardless if you go to a Browns/Indians/Cavs game. Suburban men drinking Miller Lite in plastic bottles on expense accounts + fat guys with mustaches that were vaguely in style in the 80s + plump girls of Eastern European lineage with big hair and questionable fashion choices. The question I have is where did all these Italian looking men with open Yankee jerseys and backward ballcaps come from? Was there a long train of gaudily painted cars with gold rims blasting club music that streamed across the New York border while I slept last night? If so, why didn't the authorities do something?

Seriously, where the fuck did these people come from? Does every Italian from the Eastside of CLE have a Yankees jersey and pair of Adidas shower shoes in their closet? Or do you suddenly have an interest in gold chains when you buy that first piece of Yankee merch? "You know what would look good with this Mariano Rivera jersey? A big fucking gold chain. That's what would look good with this Mariano Rivera jersey." All these Mooks have that glint in their eye where you can tell they don't know that everyone else is laughing AT the Jersey Shore cast, not WITH them. And there are THOUSANDS of these people at the game.

Here's the deal. I paid $34 a ticket to sit one row behind a guy that was wearing a gold bracelet, gold chain, Joba Chamberlain jersey, white basketball shoes, Yankees cap (backwards) and a pair of Oakley sunglasses. He spent the first two innings standing up, and swaying side to side nervously while checking his cellphone. Meanwhile the guy to my left had a titanium necklace, giant watch, Jeter jersey, and a headful of "product" in his black mane. He said "Fuck" a lot while referring to the Yankees as "we". These are the types of men I go to great lengths to avoid. I usually don't pay $34 for the privilege of hearing someone say, "We (as in "the Yankees") fucking looked good in BP today. I like how we're swinging the fucking bats."

This points to the obvious flaw of Yankee fan. They like to attach themselves to the success of a franchise that can outspend other teams five times over, and claim it as their own. For instance, titanium bracelet guy sure as hell didn't take any cuts at batting practice. "We" didn't look good. Those overpaid a-holes in your favorite team uniforms looked good. You were eating nachos, not swinging a bat. Also, I am immediately suspicious of anyone that is a Yankee fan that did not grow up in the Greater NYC area. If you live in another state, and are a Yankee fan, I will guarantee that you are also a fan of the Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers and/or the Boston Celtics. You are a front runner that probably put a turban on and grabbed a Koran right after 9/11 happened until the smoke cleared and you realized the home team didn't lose. You then quietly slipped off the turban, and put your Yankees cap back on. Backwards. Am I suggesting that cheering for the Yankees is like cheering for Al Qaeda? Yes, I suppose I am.