Nurse the Hate: Hate the Hipster

It's not easy to be part of today's hipster crowd. It can be a long painful journey from high school outcast to thrift store kingpin. While in Wicker Park in Chicago this weekend, I saw many victims among the sea of those trying to outclass their fellow hipster. The beautiful young woman in cowboy boots and mini sundress with giant spooky tattoos splashed on her thighs? A poor decision with little recourse... ("Daddy, why does Mommy have a giant flaming skull shooting out of her vagina?"... "Because Mommy thought she would always be 24 years old and an aloof bartender at the loud rock club.") The guy with the gondola shirt, beret, and ballet shoes? Better than wearing a tutu, but I wouldn't recommend him gassing up at a Speedway in Elkhart Indiana anytime soon.

The guy I pitied most was in a black knit stocking cap. It was 94 degrees and the humidity was so high you could literally chew the air. Yet, here he was carrying a giant box down the sidewalk in his black wool hat. He appeared to be, from my vantage point, "sweating like a motherfucker". I know you look badass in your plain black cap with the sweat streaming down your beard and onto your ironic secondhand pants, but can't we make a small concession to functionality here? No need to go to linen pants and huaraches, but maybe leave the wool hat at home, eh Elliot Smith?

Another really bad decision? The earlobe stretching disc... Let's say, on an off chance, it stops being cool to wear a half dollar size disc in your ear. This will probably never happen, and I say that with the conviction of a man wearing pegged acid washed jeans, a mullet, Doc Marten boots, tribal band tattoo, and a lip ring. Some things just last forever in fashion. But let's just say, for the sake of argument, it becomes passe in a few years. That's really going to be an awesome look having your skin flap off your head in a limp ribbon. What's the move then? Wearing a flesh colored "masking disc" so it looks like you just have giant ears like Mitch Albom or Ellen Degeneres? Have it removed so you have a weird notch? There just don't seem to be a lot of options there.

Being surrounded by an entire community of people trying to be more cutting edge and relevant than you has to be taxing. You just have to be cautious that you aren't so eager to be outrageous that you make a horrible lifelong mistake. Nobody wants to be the one that looks stupid in a vain pursuit of trying to capture other people's attention. Now excuse me. I have to go change into a rayon fringe cowboy shirt and dirty cowboy hat.