Nurse the Hate: Hate the Holidays

Once again I find the Holidays bearing down on me and I am completely unprepared. No gifts have been purchased. No Christmas cards sent. No plan has been formulated. I will once again blindly purchase items while fighting off other desperate saps in the same boat as myself. "Box with that Sir?" What the fuck do you think? You think I am going to wear that small sweater vest? Box that shit up and wrap it if you can! I've got to have gifts in hand Goddammit! Move it Sister!

If you are on my Christmas gift list this year, I would expect a gift that seems poorly thought out and probably purchased in quantity. "Hey! Can I get a price break on these margarita sets if I buy that whole palate?" It's not that I don't care. I do. I just don't have any time to get involved in The Process. Is this a fundamental failure of mine? A deathbed regret that will haunt my nightmares? Yes. Yes it is. Can I do anything about it? No, it doesn't appear so.

The one good thing you should know is that I will not make the complete defeatist move and "donate cash in your name to the Blah Blah Blah fund". People pretend to be happy about that when they receive that card, but we all know they're not. They glance at it, force a smile, mutter how thoughtful that was, and pitch the card in the trash thinking "Shit...doesn't he usually send me those mixed nuts? I sure could go for a macadamia..."

My brother has really taken matters into his own hands. While you are sitting around a crummy Christmas tree listening to your Aunt Sheila ask "Why aren't you married yet?", he's sitting in the Gold Nugget sauna in Vegas sweating out a Bacon Martini. Sure, maybe that Christmas Eve dinner at the Raffles Coffee Shop is a little bleak. ("Gravy on your hot turkey sandwich platter sir?") However, he has managed to successfully deflect the pointless Holiday Hoopla and have a good time. Who needs to have a panic attack hustling to make a Gingerbread House on some party deadline? That green bean casserole your girlfriend is slaving away on? Nobody really likes it, and they just take a spoonful to be polite. After the seven minutes of gorging at the table, no one even remembers what they ate anyway. But yet, it's hard not to get caught in the wave of anxiety that is awash over everything this time of year.

Yesterday I was trying to accomplish 14 hours of activity in 10 available hours and I found myself parking in Chagrin Falls OH. This is a town that looks like a movie set for "quaint". Attractive well dressed people strolled casually with gift bags, poking their heads into shops for pleasant conversation. Perhaps they'll stop for a latte and scone later. I'll bet they have their shopping done. Me? I'll be scarfing down a gas station rollerdog while hurtling down the highway at excessive speed, late for something. How did I get here? Happy fucking holidays.

Random Notes: I have been getting my ass kicked in NFL Football. It is impossible to consistently pick winners in that game. Why do I even try? The Browns covering three weeks in a row hasn't been good for anyone. Well, it's probably been real good for those guys at the Gold Nugget. Tomorrow the Browns get 9 at home vs a struggling Pittsburgh team. Public opinion has shifted to say that the Steelers are done and the Browns will maybe even win. Do I dare bet against the Browns again?... If you like the Rolling Stones "Sticky Fingers" record, you should probably immediately buy the Flamin Groovies "Teenage Head" record. That's the best 6 bucks I've spent in a long time...That Tiger Woods situation is the most compelling thing I've seen in a long time. It's a horrible car crash with bodies strewn in every direction, but it's impossible to turn away... Do yourself a favor and click on the photo up top to really capture that young fella's expression. Doesn't that just say "Christmas"?