Nurse the Hate: Hate the Boat Club 3

After receiving no word from the Avon Lake Boat Club, I feel it is time to reach out to another organization that may appreciate my enthusiasm for the water.  In this case, it is the "Olde River Yacht Club".  You can tell they are serious by spelling Olde with an "E".  That means it is rich in tradition, whereas if it was "Old" it would just be run down and shitty.
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8.7.2012
 

Jason,

   One of my colleagues here seemed to think it was a good idea to contact you regarding the Olde River Yacht Club.  I have been looking for a boat club to launch and store my kayak that is conveniently located for me.  I have just recently fully embraced the nautical life, and am eager to find a place my kayak and I can call home.  If possible, I want a club that doesn’t have an issue with me irresponsibly drinking copious amounts of beer and throwing around nautical jargon that I may or may not know the actual meaning of in a technical sense.  For example, I'd like to walk around late on a Saturday afternoon and yell out "Tighten up that jib!" to no one in particular.  Maybe talk about the "old whaling days" in the late 1800s.  Jason, are you a student of local history?  I don’t know how familiar you are with Lake Erie’s whaling industry in the 1800s, but it’s what built this city. 

  I originally became interested in boating thanks to researching the life of my Great Great Grandfather Ezekiel J. Miller, who lost his leg and arm in a whaling accident off the coast of Sandusky on September 23, 1889.  While this unprecedented harvesting of humpback whales in Lake Erie would now be called a “slaughter”, at the time it was a great achievement.  My forefather remarked in his journal “…whilst the phantom pains of my leg and useless stump of thy fallen arm haunt my dreams, the smell of burning whale oile soothes my soul.”  His payment in schillings from that last fateful outing enabled him to buy the lighthouse just off the point at Montauk, which my family owns to this day, though it has now been converted to the sixth most successful Adult Mart franchise location in the Continental United States.  We replaced the ill-conceived “Gully’s Koffee Shoppe and Clam Shack” my cousin opened in 1999, which was forced to close after a well publicized salmonella outbreak in the summer of ’04.  My cousin has since been effectively exiled to a planned community in Missouri, but we stayed behind to try and turn the property into what has become a successful enterprise.  Suffice to say, the sea is in my blood!

  I looked at your website, and did not notice a boat launch fit for a kayak.  However, it did look like many of my other criteria would be a good fit assuming the gentlemen in giant power boats featured on the website photos wouldn't be upset by a fellow seaman in ripped combat shorts yelling nonsensical boating jargon.  Power boats certainly have their place, but we “Brothers of the Oar” tend to turn a disdainful eye towards their culture of foolishness.  Certainly, I will be able to straighten them out after I gain admittance to your organization.    

  Let me know what the next step is for my membership at your convenience.  I need to feel the ocean breeze in my face, and taste the salt in the air of maybe the Greatest of Lakes, Lake Erie. 

Cheers,

Greg Miller

P.S.  Rest assured I would not expect to be admitted as Vice Commodore upon entry to the club, but I wouldn't mind creating a title for myself like "Defense Czar".  Would the club have a budget for me to create a uniform with amulets and naval dress style hat?  I ran that by the Avon Lake Boat Club, and by their continued silence, I have begun to fear the answer is "no".  I have attached a photo of a prototype uniform that I feel would be a great fit for the club.