Nurse the Hate: Hate The Llama Show

There are many beautiful things to see in North America.  Traveling extensively has allowed me to see a great deal of this nation.  America has some beautiful highways carved out of the landscape. Unfortunately for the Whiskey Daredevils, our wheelhouse of Ohio/Indiana/Illinois is not included in the scenic beauty highway short list.  It is flat and monotonous, with the only relief coming from the stereo and its blown driver side speaker. There isn’t much to look at on that drive from Cleveland to Chicago.  You can only watch Leo fall asleep with his eyes open so many times...  These long hours spent on the road require creative thinking, and can spawn some ideas that are a little off kilter. For example, let's discuss the idea we came up regarding "Llama Shows".

I think we were driving along a bland stretch of interstate in KY when we drove past some Civil War recreation guys that were towing cannons.   That in of itself is very exciting as you project what kind of lives these guys (always men) lead. This time was even better as somehow mixed in with this Caravan of the Damned was another guy pulling a trailer of llamas.  They weren’t traveling together, but what if they were?  It really sent the mind reeling. 

First things first…  They may have been alpacas, and not llamas.  I can’t tell the difference frankly.  I do remember that weird period of time when there was a belief that herding llamas was a path to great riches.  I think you were supposed to get rich selling off their wool, as the common sight of wealthy sheep farmers driving around in luxury automobiles presents undeniable evidence of that assertion.  The obvious wool shortage in industrialized nations surely presents a real seller’s market out there for the savvy llama owner. 

I always look with a critical eye at the llama farmer.  The llama farmer is a person that twenty years prior would have raised chinchillas, and before that miniature ponies.  They probably have one of those metal detectors in the closet too.  In my narrow view, it’s someone chasing a get rich quick scheme.  Now, like all wild schemes, the llama epidemic has run its course and you just don’t see that many llamas around anymore. At least you don’t see them being hauled around in trailers. 

Or maybe there’s another reason llamas seem so scarce nowadays…  Perhaps the Llama Show is so popular, in certain regions of the country that it has created a new llama shortage.

The idea of the “llama show” is this… Civil War Recreation guys enjoy shooting their guns and camping all Old Timey-like on the weekends.  This makes sense.  What could be better than sitting in a stinky felt tent eating hard tack with a bunch of other dudes in beards?  The big highlight is “re-creating” a famous battle.  This is sort of sad, as it is really just some grown men playing army like little boys.  The ultimate goal is to attract a crowd so they can show off all their gear, and have people watch them fake die of a gunshot wound.  This is where it gets tricky.  There are just so many people that will watch adults essentially play “army” in a field.  That’s why you need a little zip to draw a crowd.  

Why not haul out some of these llamas, now essentially worthless due to the Great Llama Market Collapse of 2006, and tie them down at the far end of a field? I envision them on tethers tied to stakes so they sort of wander around in the distance grazing.  Then march the boys dressed up in their Union Army gear or Confederate (depending on the show location) to the opposite side of the field, close to the crowd.  Tack on some sort of flimsy historical storyline, like Gettysburg for example.  Sell tickets at $10 a pop (or $40 a car load) to the immediate area.  Let people sit out in blankets and beach chairs.  Let them bring coolers.  Sell the kids Confederate hats and toy rifles at the Merch Tent.  Make them wait for the Big Show just long enough to get edgy.  When the tension of approaching battle has hit the highest mark, you shoot the cannons at the llamas with great fanfare and cannon explosions.  Make sure that the llamas are dressed in the opposing army uniforms as best as you can muster, you know, for historical accuracy.  This entertainment isn’t for everybody, but I think it will really play in secondary markets.  I see a huge opportunity for Llama Shows in places like Terre Haute IN, Huntington WV, Erie PA, Kalamazoo MI, Winston-Salem NC, Bowling Green KY, etc.

I’m sure Llama Shows are happening now, but they are small scale and underground.  It’s time to take it out on a much larger scale.  It’s going to take some work to launch this thing initially.  I would advise buying as much electronic media as possible to drive ticket sales.  A heavy buy on the area classic rock and country stations would make sense to drive ticket sales.  Sample Radio Copy:  (Cannon explosion intro, big voiced announcer with heavy echo and delay)  This Saturday night at Dobson’s Park just ¼ mile past the dirt track, Wellington’s Llama Shows presents The Battle Of Vicksburg!  One night only!  All the firepower!  All the carnage!  Just like history came alive for ONE NIGHT ONLY!  (cannon explosion)  Don’t be fooled by imitation llama shows!  Only Wellington’s Llama Shows has the historical certificate of authenticity from the American Civil War Llama Association!  Bring the whole family for a celebration of AMERICA!  (cannon explosion) Wellington’s Llama Show presents The Battle of Vicksburg!  This Saturday Only!  Get your discount tickets at any USA Roller Skating Rink!  If it’s not Wellington’s (cannon) It’s not a llama show!

Let me know if you’d like to get in on the ground floor of this amazing opportunity.  I think it has legs.  I need to catch a break.  My chinchilla business went belly up, and my Ebay store is floundering.  This could be it though… It could be it.