Nurse the Hate: Hate Super Bowl 50

 

To not wager on the Super Bowl is the equivalent of prancing around a shopping mall in a pink tutu.  Look, I am aware I am not allowed to say that anymore and if I saw a grown man frolicking in a pink tutu by The Gap I should tearfully applaud his “courage”.  I am not falling for this cultural shift.  Sometimes a duck is a duck.  America was built on violence, rewarding criminal behavior, and crass commercialism.  This is what the Super Bowl is all about.  It is the ultimate orgy of American excess.  It should not only be celebrated but taken part in at all angles.  Too much food.  Too much drink.  Wild gambling on anything that moves.  If I come in contact with one person playing that smug contrarian’s role of “I am not watching the Super Bowl and I don’t really even know what football is...” I swear to Christ I am going to light them on fire.  It is my duty as an American.  What can be more all American than responding with swift violence to something we don’t understand and/or agree with?  God Bless America.

The last few days I have been served with gambling industry misinformation suggesting that those in the know are all over the Denver Broncos.  I think that every jackass on the planet got down on Carolina -4 the second that line went public.  The line has moved to 5.5 in a desperate effort to coax money on the other side.  I can’t find anyone that is on Denver that doesn’t have a direct tie to sports gambling concerns.  Meanwhile almost every sports gambling concern is suggesting that “sharp money” is on Denver.  I ain’t buying.  I’m on Carolina -5.

If I am Carolina I assume that Denver can’t run the ball since they haven’t run it all season.  Meanwhile Manning seems to be unable to throw downfield.  I think Carolina is going to play coverage daring Manning to throw the ball outside and deep.  As we saw against New England, he is going to float the ball long to avoid turnovers and hope his receivers somehow make a play.  If Denver falls behind early, they are in big trouble.    I just can’t see them making sustained drives against that Panther defense.  By the way, Carolina is 28-2 in their last 30 games as a favorite.

The real action is on the crazy prop bets out there.  This is where I am really going to get after it. I like to have so much action going on the game that I can’t even keep track of it all.  I cannot stress to you how much this will change your experience watching what could be a lopsided game.  The key is to also get action going on things that no sane person pays any attention to whatsoever.  To be able to scream out “Fuck Yes!!!” when Denver decides to go for a 4^th and two and not kick a 46 yard field goal, which means your prop bet of “No Field Goals over 45 yards” will pay off is a glorious thing. 

Let’s get started…

Lady Gaga Sings The National Anthem in 136.5 seconds:  I am UNDER on this.  She sang the anthem in 2:16 at an event in New York but I watched the clip.  She had no accompaniment on it so had dramatic pauses as she was a capella.  I am assuming she will be singing along to a track that will keep her on pace.  If she does any theatrical shit to push this OVER I will hate her forever. 

Coin Flip:  I am going “Heads” on this as I am going to assume that the “Tails” of the ceremonial coin will have more bullshit on the back, therefore more weight, leading to a slight edge that it is the side that ends up on bottom.  It’s nice to know that if Lady Gaga runs long and the coin comes up “tails”, I will already be in a hole before the game has even kicked off.

Neilson TV Rating over/under 47.5:  Last year the game did a 47.5, but it was also a nail biter of a game featuring two teams with massive regional fan bases.  It was an anomaly.  This year the relatively unpopular Carolina Panthers face a team from an area of the country with small population.  47.5 is a motherfucker of a rating.  The last time the Super Bowl did over a 47.5 was in 1985. In a game that could get out of hand, I am going to bet on the casual fan turning out early and driving the rating down.  I am going UNDER 47.5

Which region will have a higher Neilson rating Charlotte or Denver?:  This is a gimme.  There are probably people in the Carolinas that will be watching DVDs of Duke and North Carolina basketball games.  Carolina is all about college sports.  Most people that live there moved from somewhere else.  The NFL isn’t like it is in Denver.   In Denver people painted their faces orange three days ago.  At this point the people of Denver’s complexions have completely broken out in a sea of pimples and whiteheads because of blocked pores from all the face paint.  You think they aren’t watching this game?  Denver -140.

Who Does the Super Bowl MVP Thank in Speech first?:  I am going “God” on this one.  Sure, it is appealing to chase the +220 payoff for “teammates”.  Only a damn fool would chase “owner” at 8-1 or “Family” at 7-1. Chances are pretty good that a quarterback wins this award.  I watched a clip of Cam Newton winning his Heisman trophy.  First thing he did?  Thanked God.  This is essentially a bet on Newton vs. Manning.  I think Manning would probably thank a corporate concern first, but I can’t get a 15-1 payout on “Nationwide”, so “God” it is...

Will the game be tied again after 0-0?:  I am going to bet “no” on this as this will keep me on edge the whole game. 

 Today is the biggest consumption day for food in the United States, edging out even Thanksgiving.  It is a glorious day of consumption, greed, glitz, and shallow values.  It is a monster spectacle with something for everyone/no one.  If one is good, ten are better.  Open up 17 beers.  Eat your weight in chicken wings.  Throw money around like a drunken sailor.  Let’s get this thing started.