Nurse the Hate: Hate the Cavs

The entire region is entering the evening with their breath held, fully expecting the Cavs to get smoked.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  This was supposed to be King James getting his birthright and us building a 500 foot statue of gold on the shores of Lake Erie to honor this genetic freak that is really good at putting a ball in a hoop.  This was supposed to be us shooting off glitter cannons while fucking like feral animals in the streets.  Unfortunately it appears that we are outclassed and will lose tonight on the road.  If this happens that will put the Cavs down 0-2 to the best NBA team in history and putting them in the position of having to win 4 out of 6 from the best NBA team in history.  They lost 9 this year.  We would need to take 4 of 6.  Good God.  This is what Cleveland is all about, a town that cannot and will not win a championship in my lifetime.

It is so very Cleveland that the Cavs have assembled a Super Team led by the best basketball player on the planet just in time as a historically great Super Team is assembled across the country.  Seriously, who else but Cleveland?  Boston did this and won two titles.  (Cue glitter cannons and annoying bagpipe music)  Not us.  It’s like we managed to have all the cards fall our way and get a full house and the guy across the table gets four aces.  It’s only possible here in Cleveland, where all attempts at winning are met with utter failure.

This is normally the time when someone that doesn’t recognize that the fate of our professional sports teams is how the region projects their own potential for success.  Then they would say something like “But we have a great orchestra!  How about our Metroparks!”.  I will seriously punch anyone in the fact that dares to have that cross their lips.  Last week I watched that horrifying “Believeland” documentary with all the various heartbreaking failures of the last 40 years, and at one point one of those sunny suburban mom types while walking out of the Indians heartbreaking 1997 World Series viewing party says “We’ll get them next year!”.  The smile of having no clue as to what just happened.  To her it was a baseball game.  To me it was a lifetime of failures about to be corrected, and THEN ripped away from me again.  I almost feel like tracking her down via private detective and punching her in the face today.  Ding dong!  “Hello, may I help you?”  Marcia Stevens?  “Yes?”  (POW!)  That’s for the remark after the 97 Series!

Now is it possible the Cavs win?  Sure.  Is it likely?  No.  No, it’s not.  This will most likely be a multi night national broadcast event celebrating Cleveland’s lack of winning anything since 1964.  That is 150+ seasons of attempting to win and coming up empty.  I’d like to remind you the Florida Marlins have two World Series.  The Saints won a Super Bowl.  Portland won an NBA Championship.  The Browns won a title before the NFL as we know it existed and people smoked in offices while calling all female employees “sweetie”.  It was a time of clipper ships, powdered wigs, and vaudeville performers like Sammy Davis Jr. and Fatty Arbuckle tearing up the boards.  Or something like that.  Point is, it was a long time ago.

It would be great to see NE Ohio win something before I die.  I know how this story ends though.  I just don’t think it’s going to happen.  We will be crushed.  Again.  I also think ESPN will go to the “poor, poor pitiful Cleveland” stories with the  Dennis Kucinich being burned in effigy in the Cuyahoga River while steel mills are closed down as Jose Mesa gives up that fucking game tying single in Miami.  I have so much scar tissue I hardly feel it anymore.  Oh well, here we go… 

Let’s go Cavs.