Saturday, September 10, 2016

Nurse the Hate: NFL Gambling Gone Wrong Week 1

I have been having what can only be considered a “big” Saturday afternoon.  I have brought my considerable resources to bear in a concerted effort to kill a fly, which has been spending the last two hours landing on my lower legs.  This has met with “mixed” results.  Things have not been going my way lately.  I am hoping I can kill this creature soon, standing triumphantly over his crushed corpse so I may turn my attention into what really matters, distracting myself by gambling wildly on NFL Football tomorrow. 

As I have opined on numerous occasions, betting on NFL Football is the ultimate Fool’s Game.  It is almost impossible to reliably win betting on this savage sport, which should probably be outlawed, as it is only slightly less barbaric than gladiator fights.  However, I know myself well enough that I would have been betting my fair share of Denarius coins on Flavius Augustus to impale +3 Christians in the Coliseum.  We cannot ignore our nature.  I will once again chronicle my efforts to try and make some scratch in this impossible pursuit.

I am going to spend much of the back part of 2016 betting wildly against the Cleveland Browns.  Most of America is vaguely aware of how bad the Browns are, but I don’t think the general population has grasped the idea that the Browns could be historically bad.  I really think this team could go 0-16.  However, if there was ever a game that the Browns could win it would be this one.  Philadelphia will be running out their #1 pick QB Carson Wentz, a kid that broke his ribs in his only preseason series in the NFL and last played against guys that are now gym teachers and personal trainers in small hick towns in the Dakotas.  The good news for this kid is that the Browns have 8 new defensive starters, most of which are cast offs and late round draft reaches.  If Wentz can’t move his team on the Browns in the home opener, the Philadelphia front office should all look at each other and go “uh-oh” while packing up their shit.  Meanwhile, Philadelphia has a real defense.  The Browns right side of the line will collapse like a straw hut.  That Philly defense should be enough in a surprisingly low scoring game to allow Philadelphia to cover a few points.  Philadelphia -3.5.

I was in Chicago last week.  People are down with the Cubs.  They are not down with the Bears.  The city might not even notice that the Bears are playing Sunday.  They are too busy wearing clever Cubs shirts assuming they are going to win the World Series.  Don’t worry, they will have their dreams crushed like the rest of us.  It’s the nature of things.  So while these smug Cubs fans knock back a few Old Styles, I think the Bears will somehow pull out a win over the Texans.  Every year a couple NFL playoff teams regress.  The Texans smell like that team to me.  They kicked Brian Hoyer to the curb, America’s least appreciated 25th best QB to acquire America’s 28th best QB Brock Ossweiler for $150 million more in payroll.  John Elway let that guy walk for a 7th round pick for a reason.  Defensively for Houston JJ Watt is hurt, which suddenly makes that defense pretty average.  Chicago +6 all day long.

I am betting on Tampa Bay.  This is usually a disaster, like betting the Jets.    Tampa is an excellent city to retire in where one can await death amongst strip bars, pawnshops, and used car lots.  It is not a great sports city.  If I wanted to start a real estate scam or sham medical clinic, I would do it out of Tampa.  It’s a good town to sell stolen auto parts.  Like much of Florida, dozens of dead prostitutes are buried just past the city limits.  Tampa is great at some things.  If I wanted to build a great NFL Football team, I would not choose Tampa.  I don’t care for the Disney Pirate Ship bullshit in their stadium.  I do like the Bucs this year though.  I think they could slink into the Playoffs as a Wild Card if things break right for them.  The first step is beating an Atlanta team that lost 8 of their last 9 last year.  (I don’t know if that happened of if it only seemed like it happened.  I tend to be a bit loose with the actual facts.)  Tampa +2.5


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