Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Nurse the Hate: The Moment of Clarity




As noted earlier, I have really gotten into the World Cup.  I love the fervent nationalism, and watching the life and death fandom from a casual emotional distance.  I have also wagered quite successfully, this despite not knowing anything at all about soccer.  Frankly I would be just as qualified to bet on a bass fishing tournament.  Either based on sheer luck, or my now patented strategy of betting on a country based on my appreciation for their alcohol production quality, it has all worked out very very well.  (Today, it might be a good idea to bet on the Dutch.  I find their beer more pleasing than Argentina’s ocean of malbec or gamey torrontes whites.)

Yesterday I watched Germany deliver a humiliation beyond comprehension to the host Brazilians with a 7-1 trouncing.  That represented as an NFL score would be 82-3.  It really got away from the Brazilians.  As the TV broadcast worked in crying and wailing fans, I found a warm glow of happiness spread across me.  To see the dreams and hopes of these innocent fans destroyed in such a public and unforgettable way really made me glow.  The question formed in the back of my mind when I realized I wasn’t happy about Germany advancing and closing in on a 5-1 payoff, but rather the distress of these otherwise happy and attractive people… What is wrong with me?

I think I may have become twisted by living in this particular section of America.  Here the weather is almost always awful.  Our sports teams lose.  The economy folds in on itself.  The roads are crumbling.  The inner cities are like the Wild West with gunplay ready to break out in a moment’s notice.  In the rare instance when someone succeeds from the area, the population will rise en masse to point out their shortcomings and seethe at their good fortune.  Here it is expected that you will lose, not only in sport but in life.  To expect or hope for anything more is to just invite disappointment and sorrow.  That in itself has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Goals become small.  Dreams become minor.  To try to succeed is dangerous. 

If I really think about it, is this regional mindset the reason I never became something like an astronaut or powerful network television executive?  Well, to be honest the astronaut thing wouldn’t have worked out as I limped through high school geometry and would have had no chance at the advanced math classes those astronaut dudes have taken.  Hell, I had to go to Summer School to get past Geometry II. That was a bit of a joke.  To be honest, they passed you for just showing up with the rest of the Marlboro Light smoking heavy metal bad kids.  I didn’t learn any geometry that July, but I did find out about the Scorpions.  I still don’t know how to find the area of a rhombus and have gotten on in life by avoiding any rhombus I may encounter.  I would have never even had the chance to endure some kind of astronaut training chair where they whirl you around for an hour at 200 mph upside down.  I got undone by the rhombus.  I can’t blame the Rust Belt on the “astronaut failure”.  That’s on me.

The Network Executive idea is pretty far-fetched too.  I can’t sit in meetings and say things like “Great idea Stevereno!” when in fact it’s a stupid idea with no chance of success.  There is a real art to sucking up to those ahead of you in a corporate food chain, and living your life in constant fear that you may displease one of these individuals.  I stupidly answer things honestly when asked questions.  I would have no chance at the slick World of Lies of Network TV.  Plus, I have become so far removed from what ordinary people like to be entertained by while eating Kool Ranch Doritos on the couch.  “American Idol?  Who the fuck wants to watch a karaoke contest on TV?  No way that show works!”  My programming ideas would be way too niche…  “Today it was announced that ABC has green lit a Roky Erickson reality show, as well as a sure to be controversial show called “Blank vs. Blank” where ordinary citizens are plucked from their homes to try and combat a random wild animal in something called The Arena of Truth”.  Network president Greg Miller was clearly excited about the new shows despite his staffers clear reservations about the new direction of the now flailing network.”

Maybe my spot in life is just that of some guy with limited abilities that can come up with a song or two, gamble on things he doesn’t know about, and just can’t work hard/smart enough to really accomplish anything.  Perhaps this schadenfreude of mine is just part of the package, and hasn’t been trained into me like I was a seal at Sea World.  All I know is that I really hope a bunch of Argentine fans traveled to Brazil to see their semifinal match today, and with luck the Dutch crush their dreams…   

  

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Nurse the Hate: The Summer of Thunder Bombs



When I was a kid growing up in Pennsylvania, there was a particular summer when everyone had fireworks.  Fireworks, like almost anything else fun, were illegal in PA.  As I recall we got the fireworks from a shady man that lived in a nearby neighborhood.  It's hard to believe that a guy would risk trouble with the law to sell illegal fireworks out of his garage to 13 year olds, but that's how we got them.  Since we were 13, we didn't have enough money to buy the big shit, so our concerns were to amass the largest stockpile of Thunderbomb firecrackers and Moon Traveler bottle rockets possible.  Some swore by the Black Cat firecracker, but our neighborhood was staunchly in favor of the reliable Thunderbomb 16 pack.  For many boys, this was the first lesson in that the best price does not always supply the best value as our streets were often littered by dud Black Cats purchased by rookies.  

Normally it was event to have firecrackers.  Great plans would be made on how to use them.  Great caution used to unwrap each individual firecracker.  To light off complete packs at once was an extravagance saved for the actual 4th of July.  Prudent conservation was the key to getting through a whole summer vacation.  The summer I am thinking of now was an exception, an anomaly really.  Everyone in the neighborhood was stocked that summer, even those cheap ass Cameron kids that never sprung for the tools of summer.  If you were a 10-14 year old boy in my neighborhood that summer, you tossed lit full packs of Thunderbombs at the feet of anyone at any time.  We had become so callous about explosions, we were like a group of WWI vets at the Western Front.  At the drop of a hat, any of us could rig timed fuses on multiple firecrackers.  It was like being part of a bomb unit in Iraq, but with a lot more Schwinn bikes.

I realized it had gone too far when we were sitting in the Cameron's garage waiting for something to happen.  Every few minutes of so a firecracker would go off in the garage with a satisfying echo ringing in our ears.  The eldest Cameron brother Scott came into the garage in tow with Andy, one of the official "bad kids" in school and a definite Wild Card.  Also bored and looking for something to do, they had resorted to seeing what the little kids were up to.  This was when the unexpected happened and livened up the day considerably.

Scott should have known something was wrong when Rick, a longtime critic of Scott and his ineffectiveness in backyard sports, offered Scott one of those snack boxes of raisins.  Do they still make those?  Coming in some sort of multi unit snack pack (probably spelled "Snak-Pak"), these two inch by one inch boxes contained just enough raisins that no kid ever finished them in their brown bag lunch.  To have one of those on hand, much less offer one to someone walking into an empty garage should have set off a warning light for Scott.  It did not however...

"Hey Scott... Want some raisins?" Sure!  Rick nonchalantly tossed the raisins across the garage to Scott.  About three feet prior to reaching him the box exploded, just disappeared, as the trusty Thunderbomb went off with authority.  I would call the look on Scott's face a very unique combination of terror, confusion, and shock.  This was an aggressive move that was completely unprecedented in our neighborhood.  A younger boy had never made a show of disrespect that blatant to an elder.  It set off an instant chain of reactions.  Rick ran off with Scott in pursuit while Andy, his juvenile delinquent Yoda, roared with laughter.  This was predictable.

What was unpredictable was how Andy, after careful rumination, had decided this was an act of aggression that could not pass.  All of us boys in the garage were as responsible as Rick as we had done nothing to prevent the aggression.  It was as if I was Costa Rica, and now was going to be bombed by the United States because Mexico had lobbed a mortar across the Texas border.  And just like Costa Rica, I was powerless to prevent the retribution to come...

That Summer it became necessary to have your head on a swivel.  At any moment a firework could come sizzling towards your head.  Leaving the house without a small cache of bottle rockets and firecrackers was more than reckless; it was foolhardy.  At a certain point the older boys secured whistlers, a clear step up in our arms race.  These offered much greater range and firepower.  Even now I can recall being trapped in my garage with multiple whistlers whining in and exploding around me.  The incredible thing about parenting in those days was the sheer amount of hands off and "don't look, don't tell" that was going on.  No adult seemed to notice that their sons constantly had explosions going on around them, or even asked "Why did five fireworks just go off in the garage while my son was screaming in fear?".      

Eventually the weather began to turn and our fireworks supplies went back to "emergency only".  Some of us had some nice burns.  All of us had some close calls.  It might be that I am so far removed from kids now, but I don't hear any screams and explosions in my neighborhood.  I don't see any kids leaping behind bushes with rockets dropping in all around them.  I am sure this is a much safer environment, but I can't help but think it leaves these kids soft.  Don't be surprised if you open up the Police Blotter section of my local paper and read "Local Man Suspected Of Terrorizing Area Children With Fireworks".  I'll tell you now what I will tell the judge.

It's for their own good.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Nurse the Hate: Still Hating Manziel?



By this time I think it is quite evident that I am a huge Johnny Manziel fan.  This is not because of his prowess on the football field.  No, I am all in on Johnny Football because he seems to know that right now, in this moment, he can do whatever he wants and no one can stop him.  For example, after he was shown on the web talking into a giant stack of money pretending it was a phone (“I can’t hear you!  I have too much fucking money in my hand!”), he was told by Cleveland Browns PR staffers to maybe bring down the obnoxious behavior.  He then immediately goes out the next weekend and has his picture taken while slugging down booze while floating on an inflatable swan.  I’m not sure, but I don’t think this is what they had in mind.

The very next Monday night (Monday!), Manziel goes to a party at Justin Bieber’s house and has this amazing photo taken and posted.  This is an incredible picture for a number of reasons.  First, I love the fact that Manziel decided to have his picture taken with Bieber and Mayweather, two of the douchiest guys on the planet.  It is reasonable to assume that Johnny Manziel has probably spent as much time at Browns HQ being talked to by concerned members of the front office as he has spent on the actual football field.  Then, despite meeting after meeting discussing his behavior and public perception, he then decides to be photographed next to the very symbol of poor young male decision making and someone washing his career down the toilet.  Seriously, is there someone worse to be associated with than Justin Bieber right now?  He would have been better off in a photo with Vladamir Putin, Chris Brown, and Lindsey Lohan.  How about Kim Jong-un, Gary Busey, and that guy in South Africa with no legs that shot his girlfriend?  It’s almost like he said “Fuck you” to the Browns PR staff right before this picture.

I do not believe that John W. Football is a stupid guy.  I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.  He knows he can ignore everyone at Cleveland Browns HQ and get away with it.  Well, right now he can…  What he doesn’t realize is that the people in Cleveland will put up with a lot of things, but hanging out with a douchebag like Justin Bieber isn’t one of them.  Moneyphone and swan?  No problem.  Asshole kid that makes shitty music and has a sense of entitlement like Bieber?  Booooooo!  If Manziel is hanging out with Motorhead doing drugs with Lemmy, it’s all good.  Hey, what the fuck, it’s Lemmy.  Meanwhile if he even crosses the street with Justin Bieber, even I am thinking, “If he thinks Justin Bieber is cool, doesn’t that make him a little weasel too?”.  Dudes that work in the Cuyahoga County Sewer Dept don’t want their starting QB hanging out with a little punk like Justin Bieber. 

Models/Casinos/Public Drunkeness= Good. 

Justin Bieber/any Kardashian/hot yoga= Bad

I would like to point out that with that one picture his leash with the pubic just got shorter.  The first time he tosses an errant pass in a game, I am looking down at my watch to time how long a comment like “Maybe if you weren’t so busy sucking Justin Bieber’s dick you would have known how to throw a fucking screen pass Manziel ya fucking fuck!” is made by a fan in the Dawg Pound.  These season ticket holder guys will put up with a team that can’t win, horrible drafts, terrible coaching, bad weather, and no hope of a future.  They will not put up with a Justin Bieber association though. 

I still feel very confident that Manziel will flame out in spectacular fashion.  The whole spectacle will hopefully make the San Diego Chargers Ryan Leaf debacle seem charming by comparison.  I love the idea that Manziel feels like he’ll just pop in on Sundays to play, and it will all go just peachy.  Right now Peyton Manning is tossing passes to receivers in the hot sun, Tom Brady is lifting weights, and Drew Brees is studying film, while Johnny Manziel is floating around wasted in a rubber swan.  I can’t figure out if he thinks he will just show up and win because that’s what he’s always done in the past, or he just doesn’t care at all.  Either way, it’s absolutely awesome.  I love the guy for pure entertainment value.  Still, I’m having trouble with this Bieber thing…     

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Nurse the Hate: The "Rhythm To Swim" Idea




There has been a very exciting idea that has taken root in the Whiskey Wagon of late.  When Shatner decides it is time (to translate, when a Priceline “Name Your Own Price” bid is successful) and we stay at a good hotel on the road, they often have a pool.  Leo and Sugar will usually dart to the pool soon as we check in, much like 12 year olds on a doomed family vacation.  I usually feel sorry for the families that are trying to eek out a moment of relaxation on whatever travels they are on with their children, because when a very high guy that looks like a tatted up leprechaun jumps in the water, the “family time” has ended.  It is remarkable how quickly a pool can empty after those two show up and start splashing around.  One second you are on a family vacation at a high end hotel, the next your kid is floating around in the pool with a dangerous looking guy with a “celtic dragon” tattoo.  It’s a quick turnaround for folks.

After a few of these pool adventures, the two of them cooked up an idea to launch a synchronized swimming act.  They will jump into any pool, regardless of who is seated in the immediate area, and begin working on “moves”.  I should at this point note that neither of them have any actual swimming or dancing skills whatsoever.  This makes the actual execution of such created moves as “Welcome Star” and “Space Invader” as not quite as fluid as one would expect from a normal synchronized swimming duo.  I think that as long as you think of them as a punk rock synchronized swim team, or maybe an “indie” duo, then it’s not as bad.  It’s like their hard edges make them “grittier”, which after all is what you are really looking for in synchronized swimming anyway.

I was, admittedly, dismissive of this venture at first.  Then it hit me.  What if we took this a bit further?  What if we put just a little effort into making this really something?  I have a vision where we arrive at a decent hotel completely unannounced.  Maybe a dozen people are at the outdoor pool area.  I will walk into the pool area with a small PA set up, something very portable.  I will be dressed in a very out of style tuxedo, and will confidently plug an ipod and microphone into the PA.  Imagine C&C Music Factory’s “Everybody Dance Now” blaring out of a speaker with plenty of distortion and volume.  EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!  Dah! Dah! DAH DAH! Dah! Dah! DAH DAH!  EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!  “Ladies and Gentlemen!  Boys and girls!  The Ft. Wayne Hilton Hotel is proud to present… Rhythm To Swim!!!!!”

At this point Leo and Sugar will burst onto the pool area with matching swimsuits.  We are picturing Leo in a stars and stripes “mankini” (pictured above), and Sugar in something a bit more functional.  Blue bathing caps will really set off the swim suits.  They will jump into the water and begin their routine with “Welcome Star”, moving swiftly into “Swim With Porpoise” as the music blares.  These are very childlike and awkward "moves" that will certainly get the onlooker's attention.  Meanwhile I will be the MC.  “Wow!  Look at that move from Welcome Star into Swim With Porpoise!  Breathtaking!”

I don’t want to give away too much of the act, but at one point I will take two hula hoops and toss them into the water.  The music will segue into Kenny Loggins “Danger Zone”.  After exiting the water while perhaps doing The Robot, both Sugar and Leo will do a cannonball into their respective hula hoops. “Ladies and gentlemen, they are going to jump into The Devil’s Mouth!  Incredible!”  The Kenny Loggins song fills the room. RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!!  They then disappear under water, leaping out with arms extended.  “Amazing!  They go from The Devil’s Mouth right into Birth of Poseidon!”  RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!!!

At this point, I would imagine hotel guests are thinking, “Why the fuck would the Hilton pay these unbelievably untalented entertainers to make us uncomfortable at the pool?  What is this?  What is going on here?  That’s when I will light two small, rinky dink fountain fireworks at the edge of the pool while John Cougar Mellencamp’s “R.O.C.K. in the USA” blasts out of the PA while Sugar and Leo do something Sugar calls “Free Rock Dance”.  It will be important to get the show wrapped up at this point as someone will have probably gone to fetch an authority figure of some kind.  This whole thing will be tough to explain, and most of these chain hotel people are a bit too serious for my taste.  With luck, Texas Pete may have already sold a “Rhythm To Swim” black print logo on classic 80s neon t-shirt.

As the song ends, I will boldly yell out “Ladies and Gentlemen!  Rhythm To Swim!  Rhythm To Swim!” over and over while they exit the pool.  I will then quickly unplug the PA, and swiftly walk out of the pool area leaving behind nothing but unanswered questions and confusion.  This is the future of entertainment, and quite possibly our next great revenue source (depending on how the merch moves).

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Nurse the Hate: Hate The World Cup




If you would have told me three months ago that I would be driving around listening to some Irish guys call a soccer game on the radio between Algeria and Belgium, I would have said you were out of your mind.  However, I was doing just that, white knuckling a foolhardy wager I had made on Belgium to soundly defeat the “Desert Rats” of Algeria.  It is important to note that I know almost nothing about futbol, and even less about these two specific national squads.  I do love having some action going on in International Events played in the afternoon like this though, where I can bet based on sound principals like beer preferences and random prejudices.

Let’s take this game for example.  I’m not even 100% positive where Algeria is located, but I’m pretty sure it is really hot and dusty with lots of Anti-American sentiment.  Meanwhile the good people of Belgium have given the world La Chouffe, Abbey Ales, French Fries, and excellence in the art of the chocolatier.  Most of the people I have met in Belgium have been exceptionally nice, and usually quirky in a fabulous way.  I picture them all gathered at some pub all jacked up on high alcohol ale watching this match.  Contrast that with the fact I don’t know anyone from Algeria, and I think of kids in rubber sandals throwing rocks at me (though I am pretty sure I am confusing Algeria with Yemen).  That’s right; I’m all in on Belgium.

I couldn’t bring myself to bet on Mexico, who are sort of the Chicago Cubs of international soccer.  I’m staring at their game vs Brazil right now, knowing full well like everyone else on the planet that Mexico will lose in heartbreaking fashion.  I have always loved traveling to Mexico.  The people are warm, have an unbelievable work ethic, and are about as libertarian as anyone in Belgium… though you very seldom find a dozen headless drug cartel victims hanging from highway overpasses in Belgium.  In Mexico people do what they want to do.  I like that.  Fellow wagerers take note:  I have noticed in very careful observation on my travels there that the Mexicans are not an athletic people.  Two things that one will rarely see while traveling in Mexico… 1)  Mexicans running.  2)  Mexicans lifting weights. 

These are for the most part a short hefty people.  Success on the pitch is probably not easy for players that are 5-4 and 210 pounds.  Their poor little legs can’t move that girth.  How can they hope to run around with all those tanned long legged Brazilians that do nothing but play soccer since birth?  Isn't Pele on that team?  See?  The key is to avoid the facts and embrace flimsy stereotypes.  Bam.  I’m on Brazil.

I am mostly mystified by the game.  I don’t understand most of the rules.  I don’t understand what they are trying to accomplish when they keep kicking it back to their goaltender.  The biggest problem I have is regardless of where a player is hit by another, he immediately grabs his face like acid was thrown into it.  A guy gets kicked in the shin, and his hands go to his face with a “Holy Christ!  My eyes!  My fucking eyes!  I’m blind!  I’m blind!”.  Then the trainers rush out and spray a mysterious chemical on his shin, and he walks off like nothing happened.  Meanwhile when a guy really gets hurt, like that American that got kicked in the face yesterday, it becomes immediately apparent what a real injury looks like when compared to flop acting.  Nobody seems to mind though.  It’s like when a batter walks out of the batter’s box 100 times in at bat I suppose.

I also really like how this is an international event where the US doesn’t just show up and destroy everyone else.  This places me in a fan position I am comfortable in thanks to living in Cleveland; being emotionally invested in a team with almost no chance of winning the championship.  There was probably no louder crowd than the one at the bar I was at on Monday when the US beat Ghana.  As NE Ohio fans, we all know that you have to take your joy when it makes itself available.  Crushing defeat is lurking around the corner.  Still, it was odd to be rejoicing like the Indians won the pennant when our enormous country’s team beat a tiny African nation that probably no one in the room could identify on a map (myself included).

As this nationalistic pageant unfolds, I am struck by how much better it is than the Olympics.  The Olympics were great when the USSR were the bad guys and we had someone to root against.  Now with my past travel and petty prejudices, I finally have a reason to root against nations I otherwise have no real beef with at all.  What could be better than seeing a nation of fans in a country that never crosses your mind like Uruguay leaves a stadium in tears?  Then, on top of that, be able to make a few bucks by betting against them?  Viva la World Cup!  When does that Russia v South Korea match go off anyway?

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Nurse the Hate: Let's Not Consider Ever Changing Our Gun Policy




Thank goodness that as a nation we have now become completely callous to random gun violence.  I mean, who wants to dwell on that fucked up kid that shot up UC Santa Barbara if it is going to lead to a conversation about the possibility of talking about maybe doing something to keep semi automatic handguns out of the hands of emotionally disturbed dudes?  So today a school in Oregon got shot up… Who cares?  It has already moved down to the bottom of my national news feed on my favorite news websites.  The good news was the police shot and killed the shooter in the school.  While one of the students died, the important thing is that since it was “only” one kid no one will get worked up enough to suggest that maybe the gun lobbyists don’t have the majority of the population’s well being in mind.  What’s a little collateral damage to insure we maintain a ratio of 88 guns per 100 people here in the United States?  What's with the industry not reaching a 1-1 ratio?  Who are the 12 pussies out of 100 not packing heat?  Frankly, I have my suspicions about my elderly Aunt Sandy in rural Wisconsin.  One thing that woman needs is a serious firearm.  Do they make .357s in pink?  A matching shoulder holster might be nice too.  Her birthday is coming up...
Once again, thank goodness we have gotten used to regular random gun violence.  Otherwise people might be concerned about two cops being shot for no reason in a Vegas Wal Mart a couple days ago.  And this school thing today?  Doesn't seem to be a problem.  As I recall after that Newton shooting, there was discussion about the need to outfit all schools and teachers with guns as a way to prevent that type of incident.  I, for one, am completely in favor of that sound idea.  For example, I would have felt confident to have been protected in high school by my obese English teacher Mrs. McClintock wielding a Glock 9.  While she was in her late 50s, had no muscle tone to speak of, and the intellect of a carp, I suspect she had the reaction time of a mongoose.  If a gunman had trotted into our school, she would have confidently flipped her desk over and traded shots with the assailant until landing that picture perfect headshot.  Ka-Pow!  Way to go Mrs. M!

While the US easily has the most gun deaths of any industrialized country, only 85 people a day die every day because of guns.  What’s the problem?  It’s only 85 people a day!  So let’s say that 31,000 people a year die because of a gunshot.  Hell, that’s nothing!  54,000 die from leukemia.  It’s not like leukemia is a big deal either.  People need to mellow out on this gun talk.  And leukemia too for that matter…  Let’s stop these cancer walkathons.  That’s not really an issue worth discussing either.  With the amount of time we can save by not walking around to cure cancer, we can all spend more time at the range!  Pow! Pow! Pow!

As we know, guns don’t kill people.  White boys with guns kill people.  65% of gun deaths are to 15-34 year olds, of which 85% are male.  What we really need to get serious about is confining 15-34 year old men.  Why is it that every mass shooter is a white kid in his twenties?  Too many video games?  Energy drinks getting them all riled up?  Too much sexual frustration?  Maybe we could pair these troubled kids up so they could jack each other off and talk about sci-fi films and shit.  As opposed to trying to account for guns, we need to account for all white loner kids in their twenties.  This registration would be useful for monitoring these fellas, and also serve as a great data base for bands like Eyehategod to sell merchandise.  Movie studios would pay a shitload to get that data base to market sci-fi movies too.  If I am a gun lobbyist, I switch the conversation to the real issue… young white men.
 
As we all know, if we even have a discussion about trying to solve these random shootings, it will lead to everyone losing their guns.  “They” will come and take every law abiding citizen’s guns.  I don’t know who “they” are, but I have heard a lot about “they”.  While as a nation we can’t seem to keep roads paved properly, it is important to remember that with this agenda “they” will act with swift precision and make it impossible for anyone to own a gun.  This type of black and white swift legislation is the way the country has run forever.  Look at the night and day change in things like immigration laws, environmental regulations, tax laws, and health care!  The government sees a problem, decides on an action, and Bam!  The ship has completely turned and EVERYTHING is different.  Remember when we quickly fixed everything that was wrong with everything last year?  

Guns cannot be discussed.  I will remind you all that the first thing Hitler did when he came into power was take away everyone’s guns.  I would also like to remind you that this analogy is totally sound.  For example, 1936 Nazi Germany is almost an exact replica of the United States in 2014.  Well, our bratwurst probably isn’t as good and we aren’t setting up death camps, but other than that it is exactly the same.  To suggest any discussion about even the possibility on changing our extremely effective current gun policy is exactly like embracing Nazism... or so I've been told.
I know that some of the people that read this will get crazy with rage.  I don't understand why.  I would like to remind you that I am NOT in favor of having any rational discussions that could possibly lead to anyone anywhere having to be accountable for owning a semi automatic handgun.  That is ridiculous as we all know those guns are for hunting.  Who amongst us doesn't remember those Hemingway "Nick Adams" stories of rugged outdoorsmen shooting ducks for their supper with their plastic concealable pistols?  It's as American as the Liberty Bell.  Let's not lose our stomachs on this thing now.  Let’s get those kids in Oregon armed and ready to go to school tomorrow.  Pow!  Pow! Pow!   

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Nurse the Hate: Hate the Candy Bar




I walked into the Starbucks intent on securing a trenta unsweetened iced green tea, as this is what I drink in the summer.  I like the routine at Starbucks as I stand there waiting for everyone else to get their Dairy Queen desserts that are masked as coffee.  Young women especially seem to enjoy Starbucks as some sort of secret indulgence, as if a beverage with the words “caramel” and “mocha” doesn’t have an inherent payback.    No matter.  I’m just a guy spending $3.00 on iced tea.  I'm in no position to judge.

Behind me a conversation was in midstream.  “…and that’s why she moved from Texas, because The Devil is there.”  The other woman she was speaking to nodded knowingly, as if it wasn’t odd to speak of the CEO of Evil as having a Texas mailing address.  Now, this woman spoke with great confidence, so maybe she knew something about Lucifer and his domestic habits.  The other woman certainly seemed to buy in.  "Yes, of course, The Devil lives outside of Houston.  He's got a nice little place with an in ground pool and three car garage..."  I never pictured The Devil living in Texas, as my money would be handily on Florida.  Just like with a carton of juice, all the sediment in the United States flows to the bottom.  In this case, that is Florida.   The muck is always on the bottom.  You ever been to South Beach?  Every douche, hustler, queen, and tweaked up cracker migrates there like id driven birds.  The Devil likes techno, bottle service, and bad restaurant service.  Florida is his kind of joint.   

It’s weird when you hear just a snippet of a conversation not intended for your ears.  I mean, who knows if this woman was talking about the actual devil, or if it was a nickname for some sort of nemesis like an unlikeable roommate, father-in-law, or unrelenting suitor?  I don’t even know for sure if she said “devil”.  Maybe she said something normal and I misunderstood.  There is such a short window to nose in there as an outsider and say "Excuse me???  What did you say?".  One time I could swear I heard some guy ask some other guy what kind of candy bar he would shove up his ass …if he had to choose of course.  I didn’t hear the answer, but the question has plagued me for years.  Why would a man ask another man this question?  Sheer morbid curiosity?  It is sort of a fascinating question.  The last thing you would want to have happen is to be put in that situation, panic, and say "Snickers!".  It needs to be thought through.  Preparation is a key to life.  It would be tempting to say “Twix”, but I think that while that is a thin candy bar, the fact there are two individual bars and these would remain rather rigid with that cookie interior, it would be a bad choice.  The last thing anyone wants is a Twix floating around in their large intestine.     

Butterfinger, or its more elusive cousin Fifth Avenue, both offer guaranteed rough edges, and that’s bad news.  I think for this particular question it wouldn’t be fair to cop out with something like Junior Mints or a Rollo, unless of course they were inserted into your ass with a rawhide mallet.  That would sort of even out the unpleasantness of the entire endeavor back to being on par with an entire candy bar.  The "mallet factor" would negate any positive of the small size of the Junior Mints I think.  Don’t even think about Starburst or Mike N Ikes.  Those aren’t even close to candy bars.  The question was “what candy bar”.  I have a feeling that if one found oneself in the predicament of having to choose what kind of candy bar was going to be shoved somewhere one had no interest in it being shoved, a spirited debate on what constitutes a candy bar would not be allowed.

This I know.  The worst without question would be a Zagnut.  A dry rough edged husk, it would take a team of medical personnel or very physically strong specialists in this area to get that thing inserted.  That toasted coconut would be very unpleasant, especially once you started struggling to get away, as would be the natural inclination.  Fight or flight.  It’s how we are programmed.  Someone starts shoving a Zagnut in there; it’s going to be “flight mode” every single time.

I think the way to go would be Three Musketeers.  It’s bigger than ideal, but I think that creamy nougat is going to have some give.  Remember, it’s got to come back out at some point, so I think the “nougat factor” is a big step to relative comfort in this horrible theoretical scenario.  The last thing anyone wants is a Baby Ruth chock full o’ nuts traveling in both directions.  Don't even allow the thought of a Chunky to drift into your mind.  That’s a tough go.

I'm sorry.  I got off topic.  So, as I was saying, I overheard this conversation about The Devil in Starbucks…