Saturday, October 24, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Still Hate the NFL

I anticipate a major fiasco tonight as The Whiskey Daredevils head to Hollywood Gardens in Rochester PA and their 350 craft beers. After an evening of seventeen IPAs with something like a savage 9% alcohol in each, I don't foresee being interested in typing "news you can use" tomorrow morning. Do not fret... I will now use this down time to give you three 100% guaranteed WINNERS for Sunday. If I were you, I would take all of your 401K money, empty your Mom's purse, and maybe even hold up a gas station to fund this windfall. You cannot lose with these picks! (Well...let's be honest...I'm not exactly on fire, but it has to turn sometime, right? The power of positive thinking will pull us through!)

The Steelers are one of those teams that wins games, and after Sunday has come and gone, you tend to forget how close those games really were. The public thinks, "Gosh, those Steelers sure are good. They always win!". Take a closer look. The Steelers usually play it really close, and just sort of hang around until the 4th quarter. Then their defense makes a play. They score at the end. They win by 3. The spread was 4.5. Don't believe me? Pittsburgh is 1-5 against the spread. I'm taking Minnesota +6. The Vikings are undefeated for good reason, and haven't been an underdog yet this season. Plus, I love to bet against Ben Roethlesberger. Who can root for a guy that has never been seen without a backwards baseball cap? What a Mook.

The Raiders got some attention this week when Richard Seymour said he thought they were a Playoff Team. Sure, they did beat a good Eagle team last week. However it's pretty hard to forget that they got the living fuck pounded out of them by the Giants two weeks ago. And it's also hard to get past the fact that Jemarcus Russell has the stink of a bust on him, and they are pretty much incapable of scoring. The Raiders are sort of like that pretty girl that decided to rebel against her rich parents by hanging out with the chain smoking tech school kids in high school. Lots of potential there, but a lack of motivation. Meanwhile the Jets have had to back off getting the Hall of Fame bust ready for Mark Sanchez. Like all rookie QBs, the NFL has devised a way to stop what he does well, and now Sanchez needs to adjust accordingly. That won't happen this week, and I see this game going UNDER 35. Yeah, that's a really low number, but think of it this way. If the Raiders are good for 10, that means the Jets need to score more than 24 on the Raiders. I'm going UNDER 35.

The Dallas Cowboys are on TV just slightly less than Paris Hilton. And like Paris Hilton, the Cowboys are pretty fucked up. I don't think this is a very good football team. They played a tight game against a Chief team that the University of Toledo could compete with for a half. They lost to the 2 good teams they have played in the Giants and Broncos, and did not impressively beat either Tampa or Carolina. Romo is going to get his receivers killed by all the passes he is throwing high over the middle. (Hey Roy Williams, how are your ribs?) I think Dallas is an 8-8 team and they might lose outright to the Falcons on Sunday. Atlanta has been living dangerously and is no great shakes at 4-1, but they seem like a legit playoff team. This number seems to big to me. This should be a 3 point game. Take Atlanta on the money line, and hedge by taking them +4.5.

Bonus discussion: I would also like to bring to your attention the Cleveland Browns have won their last 3 against the spread. I would also like to point out 12 guys on the team got sent home for being sick with "flu like" symptoms. This is a very bad football team with no offensive weapons facing a high scoring Packer team. Green Bay beat Detroit and St Louis by a combined score of 62-17. Sure, 9 points is a ton to give to a home team in the NFL. But ask yourself, will the Browns win 4 in a row against the spread? It just doesn't seem possible, does it? That's exactly what worries me... That's how those tricky sports book guys built those giant Sportsbooks in Vegas. This game scares me more than a Turkish colonoscopy.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Music For Bad Kids

As many people know, I am a bit of an "idea man". I like to look for economic opportunity. Recently I had a brainstorm which I am fairly certain is a multi million dollar winner of an idea. You know how kids entertainment is a huge industry? I'm not talking 12 year olds. Think real opportunity. Let's talk about the 5 year old market and their spending power. For example, I think those guys in The Wiggles make $72 Billion a year despite the fact they seem exactly like the creepy pedophiles parents try to protect their kids from. Baby Einstein videos? Throw those on at the next rave and fire the affected DJ coming in from the Coast. It's a rain of money...

The one thing that is a constant is that all young children's entertainment is inherently "good". It's all smiles and rewards for good behavior. That's where I see the niche. Where is the Bad Boy group catering to the 2-6 year old crowd? Don't they need a voice? Hence my big idea... A band of young bad kids singing the songs bad young kids want to hear... I introduce you to my new Supergroup... "Ominously Heavy Diaper".

Ominously Heavy Diaper, or "OHD" to the fans, will speak the language of the rebellious 3 year old. Songs like "Poo Poo Time", "No Peas, More Applesauce", and "Wipe My Ass (now)" delivered in a doom rock post-Melvins style will be the Raffi of the new Millennium. This is an entertainment vehicle that speaks to today's freshly mobile pre-toilet hipster. Laugh now, but someone laughed at the Telletubby's too.

Random Notes: I have split almost all my football for the last 2 weeks. With 10% going to the juice, that's no good. It's time to turn it around. I really like Ohio State to deliver a post Purdue loss ass kicking to Minnesota. Take the Buckeyes minus the points... Trent Edwards is out with a concussion. Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Bengals QB in last year's "lost season" allegedly has the swine flu. That means this week's starter is going to be either Gary Danielson or the guy that parks cars in the East Parking Lot. Either way, I have a hard time believing the Bills can score more than 13 points. That puts me on the under... Twelve guys on the Browns have the flu. Most of them are starters. They just lost their leading tackler in D'Qwell Jackson. Vegas and the public may overreact and move the line too far this week. The Browns v Green Bay game is currently off the board. If the line goes to Cle +9 at home, take a flier on it... You are a fool if you don't get the Sadies with John Doe record. Doe's awesome voice mixed with the Sadies confident country playing are a surefire hit.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Hate Chicago Coffee

I was in Chicago this weekend and drove by where the old Lounge Ax was located. Anytime The Cowslingers played Lounge Ax, inevitably the Chicago Bulls were playing to clinch an NBA Championship. We must have played Chicago three times in June with almost no one in the club. The shows always ended the same way. The promoter would pay us a paltry amount of money and say, "Man, I don't know what happened. I thought everyone would come out after the game." We would then not have enough money for a hotel, and have to drive home. I would get a monster cup of terrible coffee and power out the drive. The coffee I got in Chicago was almost always awful, and the drive home was worse.

One time we were there and an old college friend of Ken's came to see us play. She came out with her boyfriend, a slender runt of a guy with a freaky goatee. What I remembered chiefly about her was her need for attention, and consistently talking about being "fucked while duct taped to sheet metal". Not what you would call 'the girl next door" type if you know what I mean, but pretty fun nonetheless.

We finished playing to the nearly empty room (Bulls in Game 5 NBA Championship, as usual), and the two of them come over and ask us if we want to go to a club with them. Since there sure wasn't much going on at Lounge Ax, we agreed to go. "We'll be back. I have to go home and get ready.", she said. I thought it was kind of weird that she had to go change, but whatever. We packed up our gear, and about 40 minutes later they were back. The skinny little guy was now wearing leather pants and a mesh black t shirt. She was wearing a trench coat with a leather outfit of some kind underneath. So, ah, what kind of club are we going to?

We climb into our van and follow the couple to a totally industrial area of town. No houses or retail businesses of any kind. Eventually we stop at a loading dock with a single light bulb meekly glowing on a green painted door. We had arrived at "the club". It turns out the club was a private members only bondage/S&M joint. The woman had really embraced the sheet metal thing, and now wanted us to check out her scene. We make the secret knock on the door, and a guy that looked like The Gimp from Pulp Fiction let us in. The couple that brought us fit right in, as they were both dressed in leather, and after taking off her coat, the woman's breasts were left exposed in a complicated looking harness teddy garment.

As you can imagine, we didn't quite fit in. I was wearing a white t shirt, khaki cargo shorts and white Chuck Taylor's. I'll admit I was a little uneasy as we were lead through the small shop past the black curtain into "The Back Room". About 15 people dressed in tough looking leather outfits milled around empty racks, crosses, and suspension rigs while mounted wall televisions played bondage videos. Two things entered my mind. 1) I wanted to play it cool, like I was unfazed by this strange scene. 2) I really hoped these people wouldn't grab me en masse and clamp me down on The Rack while shoving something terrible into an orifice.

Our loose plan was to hang out for a little while and then drive back to Cleveland. I had volunteered to be the wheel man, so I needed to stay somewhat sharp for the 5 hour drive home. The woman we came with had promised a big show, and everyone was interested in what that entailed. We all paced around waiting for something to happen, and tried to look like we belonged. In the back of the room I spotted a small bar manned by a fierce looking guy probably named "Horse" or "Achilles". I tried to look nonchalant walking up to the bar, hoping he might have something with caffeine. I also hoped he wouldn't hurt me.

"Excuse me.... You wouldn't happen to have any coffee back there, would you?"

It was like asking one of the warriors of Sparta for a cup of joe. As nice as can be, he responded, "Oh, I don't have any made right now, but it would be no problem at all for me to make some. Do you want hazelnut or regular?" If you could get past the outfit, it was like you were at the Ritz. The guy couldn't have been more pleasant.

So there I was, waiting for my coffee, making small talk in a bondage club. I think it was right about then when I saw Leo being put on the rack by the woman we came with as a small crowd gathered around to watch. Our topless friend started to whip Leo with a cat of nine tails and we all started laughing. You can instantly tell who had the fetish and who was in the white Chuck Taylor high tops. We're laughing so hard we're crying as Leo yelled out "Ohhh!!!!!" after the whip crack. The fetish crowd would lean in with lips slightly parted and stared intently at the scene oblivious to the admittedly huge distraction we were making.

By the time my coffee was ready (which was excellent by the way), the tables had turned. Leo was tying the woman into restraints. To my left a middle aged woman that looked way too close to my second grade teacher emerged from a changing room in an SS guard outfit complete with riding crop. Other enthusiasts were cordial to her. "Margaret! I didn't think you could make it tonight!"

"Well, I just decided to come on out last minute, even though I have to go to my mother's early tomorrow to help her bake."

(It is weird in that setting to hear a conversation that would have fit in at a PTA meeting. It's really weird to hear a woman in a leather SS outfit have that conversation.)

By now Leo had started to pay back our friend for his whipping with some firm spanking. Meanwhile her little skinny boyfriend looked on proudly with arms crossed as the crowd murmured in appreciation when Leo connected strongly. The bartender and I talked about the White Sox bullpen. The other guys laughed it up on a couch. We left about 20 minutes later. That's probably still the best cup of coffee I ever had in Chicago.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Nurse the Hate: The Neck Tattoo

That's a picture of Minnesota Twins relief pitcher John Rauch. One day I hope I am in the same airport or hotel as John Rauch. On this day I will walk near him and say, "Hey...ah...I think you forgot something. Oh yeah, now I remember. You forgot not to get that stupid tattoo on your neck."

After that I will run like hell. I think he's 6-11 and 290 lbs.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Nurse the Hate: Kid Football

In a strange series of events, I celebrated my big day of college football wins and finally finishing the last vocal tracks for the new Whiskey Daredevils record by knocking back a couple Stone IPAs with a former college roommate at a bar by my house. He called me to meet him after his team of 12 year olds had just pulled off a stunning 14-6 victory in a hotly contested suburban kid rec league game. I thought I was going up to meet just him, and maybe a couple guys he coaches his kid's team with, but the afterglow of the big win must have been too much. It's 11 o'clock at night, and the bar is full of 12 year olds. I thought I was going to Clancy's, but I end up at a Charles "Chuckie" Cheese location. It’s not every day you have the opportunity to sit with a team of little overstimulated kids and their over serious coaches. I have one eye on the Buckeyes and their 17 ½ point spread, and the other listening to some guy tell me his defensive game plan for next week's contest against the dreaded "Avon Lake B". Dude thinks he's Buddy Ryan, you know? Meanwhile I somehow get dropped into a table with 4 kids. I suppose it is an important step in the journey to manhood for kids to be part of an experience like that. Hard work, discipline, sportsmanship, etc... While those kids may have learned something by being part of the team, I think they learned an even more valuable life lesson when Uncle Greg left them with his bill. See you later kids, and thanks for the cold ones.

But let’s not dwell on the past, shall we? There’s a full slate of action today, and as usual I have many poorly formed ideas about what will happen. It seems inconceivable that the Browns will stay within 6 points of the Bengals. In three games the Browns have scored only one touchdown, and that by accident when a Viking defensive back had a gallstone attack late in the fourth quarter and collapsed during game play. Further bad news for the Browns continues to mount as Jamel Lewis will not play, and promising rookie RB James Davis is out for the year. That leaves banged up scat back Jerome Harrison and some guy that was working at a Blimpie three days ago to carry the rock. Logic says all in on the Bengals -6. (This does run against my time tested “counter logic theory” with the NFL, but I just don’t have the stones to bet on Cleveland. Sorry.)

Four out of every five people you meet today have wagered on the over hyped New York Giants to cover nine points in Arrowhead today against the Chiefs. Let me ask you? Do you think the Bellagio built a lake in the desert by offering the public easy money on high profile teams like the Giants? I am going to give it to you straight. The Chiefs totally fucking blow, but they do play their ass off at home. I think they’ll hang around and lose by 3-7 points. Take Kansas City and white knuckle out the +9.

The national media continues to write the obituary for the Pittsburgh Steelers after these close losses to Chicago and Cincy on the road. San Diego, traditionally a bad road team, now travels to Pittsburgh to face a Steeler team in “must win” mode. I heard everything I needed to hear when those limpdick ESPN talk show hosts “Mike and Mike” picked San Diego to win this game. (By the way, can someone tell Mike Greenberg he hosts a sports talk show targeted at men? The consistent weak chinned banter between those two makes me want to fire bomb their studio just so I don’t have to see Greenberg’s next failed TV appearance and his fabulous new game show host haircut. “Golic? Are you telling me that if you lose this bet you’ll wear a Notre Dame stinks t-shirt? Now the stakes are really high!” Get bent you two pussies.) I think Pittsburgh gets it done at home in a close one. I am taking Pittsburgh on the money line.

The Detroit Tigers have almost completed one of the most amazing flame outs in recent memories. Their one solid starter Justin Verlander takes the hill today, so I think they finally get a win. Take the Tigers. As of this moment, I still don’t know who the Twins are running out there. If they start Pavano on short rest, take the Royals. If they start anyone on normal rest, take the Twins. With luck we’ll get a one game playoff in Minnesota Tuesday for the Central…

Random Notes: “The Lightning Fingers of Roy Clark” is a bad ass guitar instrumental record from a guy that seems to be only remembered for yukking it up on Hee-Haw. The reissue is on Razor and Tie, and worth picking up immediately… I applaud whoever is distributing Green Flash IPA in NE Ohio. I’ve seen it everywhere around my house, and that’s a very good thing… At the risk of being the only guy not wearing black clunky glasses and an ill fitting ironic t-shirt, I am going to check out Yo La Tengo tomorrow night. Any woman at that show is probably being forced there against her will. All the guys will look like rock critics… With word of the Pavement reunion, are we now that much closer to the Mighty Lemon Drops reunion we have all secretly pined for?