Yesterday I was yelled at by a seven-year-old girl. I don’t know if you have ever been yelled at
by a seven-year-old girl, especially one without her front baby teeth, but it’s
not pleasant. Now, I did make the faux
pas of suggesting another kid was “the same age” as her. The little girl rolled her eyes, put her
hands on her hips and gave me a real dressing down for not knowing that she was
34 days older than the other kid. I was
trying to defend myself saying that a month apart was essentially the same age
and dug the hole even deeper. What a
disaster. That little girl at seven is
already a handful. The last time I
stammered out an apology like that was at a party when I had mistakenly
congratulated a woman on her pregnancy that turned out to just be her gut. Ouch.
The only way to feel just a tad manly after that debacle is
to engage in some heavy duty football gambling.
Please note that I have not run these picks by that little seven-year-old
bully to see what she thought, so use them at your own peril. However, I have watched a mind numbing amount
of football in the last week, so I mistakenly feel like I have a decent grasp
on some of these teams. Let’s forget
about what went wrong and focus on what is about to go right, eh? Fuck that little kid.
I watched the Lions pull out a game over Indy last
week. It is very exciting for all Lions
fans. Before everyone in Detroit starts
jacking each other off, I’d like to remind you all that every able body in the
already iffy Indianapolis secondary was hurt.
They had some trainer kid playing in the dime package at the end of that
game. Brace yourselves. I am recommending taking the Tennessee Titans
+4.5 this week at Detroit. Tennessee
shut down Minnesota last week, which suggests that they have at least an
average defense. Meanwhile Detroit let
Indy go up and down the field all game on them.
They aren’t stopping anyone. This
looks like one of those games decided by a field goal at the end. That won’t cover the spread amigo. The books know that no one likes to bet on
shitty teams like Tennessee. It’s how
they pay for those $1.99 shrimp cocktails.
Take the Titans.
Speaking of Indy, let’s bet against them in Denver, shall
we? Denver beat the crap out of a really
good Carolina team ten days ago. This
suggests that maybe if you can win a Super Bowl with an out of gas Peyton
Manning that you might also be able to beat a very average Colt team at home
after enjoying extra rest. Did you see
what the Broncos did to Cam Newton last week?
Good Lord. I got a concussion
watching it on TV. You think that
defense might be able to do that to the Colts?
I sure do. Denver -6.
San Francisco kicked the crap out of the Rams late Monday in
a game that was hard to be excited about.
Those guys have been driving around the Bay Area with their chests all
puffed out hopefully forgetting that they have to fly out for an early game in
Carolina this Sunday. “Hey baby… You see me Monday night? Who do we play this week? Shit, I don’t know…” Carolina needs to cover 13 points. That’s what is referred to in gambling
circles as “a shit ton” of points. Consider
this: The 49ers are 1-4 against the
spread when underdogs of 10+ in their last five. The 49ers are 5-14 ATS in their last 19 on a
Sunday after a Monday Night game. The
49ers are also 2-12 against the spread in their last 14 against the
Panthers. Carolina coach Ron Rivera has
had ten days to prepare for this game.
The Panthers just lost to Denver.
Again. This has the feel of one
of those “let’s beat the crap out of someone to feel good about ourselves”
games. I’m on Carolina -13.
Season Record: 2-1
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