Friday, September 11, 2020

Nurse the Hate: NFL 2020 Week 1 and Attention To Detail

 


When I was about 7 years old, I had a Flexible Flyer wagon.  This was a basic supply item to a seven-year-old.  Every single kid in my neighborhood had one of those wagons.  My friend Christopher had a shitty off-brand version with detachable wooden sides.  I have the sneaking suspicion that when he got older, Christopher’s Mom bought him the “wrong” back to school jeans forever staining him with the mark of an outcast.  While the other cool kids confidently walked the middle school halls in their Levi’s, poor Christopher was likely in Wranglers or Lees.  Let me tell you, there is no chance that Tammy Davis and her emerging breasts are going to notice a lad in the wrong jeans like Christopher. 

 

While this might seem like a small event in a man’s life, to be clad in what by all accounts is an honest and trustworthy made dungaree, it no doubt was the first domino to fall in what I am sure was an unfulfilling life.  A 12-year-old boy’s ego is a fragile thing.  Christopher’s first brush with raw sex appeal was the glitz and glamor of Tammy Davis shimmying down the hall in her Adidas and plastic hair clip with the overflowing confidence of a tiny bra.  Christopher was met with utter rejection thanks to his mother’s decision to save $5 in the Wrangler bin instead of ponying up and just buying the Levi’s that would have averted the ridicule of the always fashion-conscious Tammy and her faithful #2 wingman Patty.  Thus, Christopher never went for The Girl He Wanted, and instead settled for the first girl that engaged him in conversation, that turd Nicole.  Yes, that’s the same Nicole that called the cops on your college house party for being too loud at 930pm on a Friday night.  Yes, it’s the same Nicole that plopped out two kids with Christopher soon after college graduation, got herself on the School Board and removed all the interesting books from the “approved reading list” and made 14-year olds slog through boring safe shit like “The Canterbury Tales” and “Billy Budd”.  Yes, it is the SAME GODDAMN NICOLE that wouldn’t let Christopher go to Cancun on a golf trip with his buddies because she thinks it’s TOO FUCKING DANGEROUS despite never having left Pennsylvania and getting all her FUCKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK from her FUCKING FRIENDS!

 

Sorry.  That got away from me a bit.  I fell out of touch with Christopher and I might be filling in some blanks without evidence.  But I think we can agree that small details can make all the difference in life.  For example, as a seven-year-old, I did a lot of important shit with my wagon.  I was hauling all kinds of things a seven-year-old needs in day-to-day life.  I can’t recall exactly what those items were, but let me assure you, they were key.  Toys, whiffle ball gear, welding equipment, etc.  Anyway, at a certain point we put together the idea that we could sit in our wagons and use the dodgy handle as a makeshift steering wheel as we went down the seemingly large hill by our houses.  As a seven-year-old, few things could match the pure speed and thrill of careening down that hill seated in your wagon.  This is where I would like to point out Christopher’s lack of attention to detail that would disqualify him from the Tammy Sweepstakes and allow him to be shackled to that turd Nicole.

 

The Flexible Flyer had been engineered to allow a limited turning radius, making it impossible to turn the wheels perpendicular to the frame.  Christopher’s piece-of-shit off brand wagon did not employ the same sophisticated engineering acumen.  This was evident one fateful afternoon as my friend Michael and I tore down the hill in our Flexible Flyers.  Christopher, always a bit of a nervous boy, waited at the top of the hill for a moment and descended after Michael and I triumphantly rolled to a stop.  It’s hard now to piece together why Christopher made the radical driving maneuver he did, turning the handle radically to lock up the front wheels.  I remember looking up, seated in the majesty of my wagon, to see Christopher flip his wagon and roll down the pavement in the same manner as the “Agony of Defeat” Wide World of Sports Ski Jumper.  Steve Austin, The Bionic Man’s wreck in his experimental plane is also another point of comparison.  Steve Austin got a bionic arm and leg.  Christopher bled, cried and ran home.  Ah, real life is cruel.

 

I bring all of this up to point out the cost/benefit of attention to detail.  As we have been locked up in our homes for months, what do you think freaky focused Rams coach Sean McVeigh has been doing?  I think he has been paying attention to details and figuring out how to beat the Cowboys in Week 1.  The only thing that guy cares about is football.  He’s been stuck in his house with his LA Instagram looking model fiancé.  Dude wants to coach a game.  The always overrated Cowboys roll into LA to play the Rams this week with a new coach, new system, and no preseason games.  They had to leave on a Covid focused flight to LA, deal with the weirdness of covid travel, and land in a place that is on fire.  After practicing all August in the afternoon, they will play a game at 820p Pacific (1020p Central) in the Rams brand new unfamiliar stadium.  Oh yeah, the Rams are also GETTING three points.   RAMS +3

 

The Redskins are now the Washington Football Team.  They have controversies going about the team name, sexual harassment in the front office, a QB back from a life-threatening injury that is going to ride the bench, and a coach with cancer.  The are recognized to be one the five worst teams in football.  The Public believes their first round QB is a bust because he started poorly (but finished strong).  87% of the tickets are on the Eagles and 77% of the money.  That’s all I need to know.  The Eagles already have injuries depleting their offensive line and receiving corps.  Does Washington win?  Who cares?  They can keep it close.  WASHINGTON +5.5.   


2 Comments:

At September 14, 2020 at 4:08:00 PM EDT , Blogger AZ said...

2020 could be turning a corner with these two paydays in Week1!

 
At September 14, 2020 at 4:14:00 PM EDT , Blogger AZ said...

Also, I hope Christopher's WNBA team is doing well this year.

 

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