When I was about 7 years old, I had a Flexible Flyer wagon. This was a basic supply item to a seven-year-old. Every single kid in my neighborhood had one of those wagons. My friend Christopher had a shitty off-brand version with detachable wooden sides. I have the sneaking suspicion that when he got older, Christopher’s Mom bought him the “wrong” back to school jeans forever staining him with the mark of an outcast. While the other cool kids confidently walked the middle school halls in their Levi’s, poor Christopher was likely in Wranglers or Lees. Let me tell you, there is no chance that Tammy Davis and her emerging breasts are going to notice a lad in the wrong jeans like Christopher.
While this might seem like a small event in a man’s life, to
be clad in what by all accounts is an honest and trustworthy made dungaree, it no
doubt was the first domino to fall in what I am sure was an unfulfilling
life. A 12-year-old boy’s ego is a
fragile thing. Christopher’s first brush
with raw sex appeal was the glitz and glamor of Tammy Davis shimmying down the
hall in her Adidas and plastic hair clip with the overflowing confidence of a
tiny bra. Christopher was met with utter
rejection thanks to his mother’s decision to save $5 in the Wrangler bin
instead of ponying up and just buying the Levi’s that would have averted the ridicule
of the always fashion-conscious Tammy and her faithful #2 wingman Patty. Thus, Christopher never went for The Girl He
Wanted, and instead settled for the first girl that engaged him in
conversation, that turd Nicole. Yes,
that’s the same Nicole that called the cops on your college house party for
being too loud at 930pm on a Friday night.
Yes, it’s the same Nicole that plopped out two kids with Christopher
soon after college graduation, got herself on the School Board and removed all
the interesting books from the “approved reading list” and made 14-year olds
slog through boring safe shit like “The Canterbury Tales” and “Billy Budd”. Yes, it is the SAME GODDAMN NICOLE that wouldn’t
let Christopher go to Cancun on a golf trip with his buddies because she thinks
it’s TOO FUCKING DANGEROUS despite never having left Pennsylvania and getting
all her FUCKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK from her FUCKING FRIENDS!
Sorry. That got away
from me a bit. I fell out of touch with Christopher and I might be filling in some blanks without evidence. But I think we can agree
that small details can make all the difference in life. For example, as a seven-year-old, I did a lot
of important shit with my wagon. I was
hauling all kinds of things a seven-year-old needs in day-to-day life. I can’t recall exactly what those items were,
but let me assure you, they were key. Toys,
whiffle ball gear, welding equipment, etc.
Anyway, at a certain point we put together the idea that we could sit in
our wagons and use the dodgy handle as a makeshift steering wheel as we went
down the seemingly large hill by our houses.
As a seven-year-old, few things could match the pure speed and thrill of
careening down that hill seated in your wagon.
This is where I would like to point out Christopher’s lack of attention
to detail that would disqualify him from the Tammy Sweepstakes and allow him to
be shackled to that turd Nicole.
The Flexible Flyer had been engineered to allow a limited
turning radius, making it impossible to turn the wheels perpendicular to the
frame. Christopher’s piece-of-shit off
brand wagon did not employ the same sophisticated engineering acumen. This was evident one fateful afternoon as my
friend Michael and I tore down the hill in our Flexible Flyers. Christopher, always a bit of a nervous boy,
waited at the top of the hill for a moment and descended after Michael and I
triumphantly rolled to a stop. It’s hard
now to piece together why Christopher made the radical driving maneuver he did,
turning the handle radically to lock up the front wheels. I remember looking up, seated in the majesty
of my wagon, to see Christopher flip his wagon and roll down the pavement in
the same manner as the “Agony of Defeat” Wide World of Sports Ski Jumper. Steve Austin, The Bionic Man’s wreck in his
experimental plane is also another point of comparison. Steve Austin got a bionic arm and leg. Christopher bled, cried and ran home. Ah, real life is cruel.
I bring all of this up to point out the cost/benefit of
attention to detail. As we have been
locked up in our homes for months, what do you think freaky focused Rams coach
Sean McVeigh has been doing? I think he
has been paying attention to details and figuring out how to beat the Cowboys
in Week 1. The only thing that guy cares
about is football. He’s been stuck in
his house with his LA Instagram looking model fiancé. Dude wants to coach a game. The always overrated Cowboys roll into LA to
play the Rams this week with a new coach, new system, and no preseason
games. They had to leave on a Covid
focused flight to LA, deal with the weirdness of covid travel, and land in a place
that is on fire. After practicing all
August in the afternoon, they will play a game at 820p Pacific (1020p Central)
in the Rams brand new unfamiliar stadium.
Oh yeah, the Rams are also GETTING three points. RAMS
+3
The Redskins are now the Washington Football Team. They have controversies going about the team
name, sexual harassment in the front office, a QB back from a life-threatening
injury that is going to ride the bench, and a coach with cancer. The are recognized to be one the five worst
teams in football. The Public believes
their first round QB is a bust because he started poorly (but finished
strong). 87% of the tickets are on the
Eagles and 77% of the money. That’s all
I need to know. The Eagles already have
injuries depleting their offensive line and receiving corps. Does Washington win? Who cares?
They can keep it close. WASHINGTON
+5.5.
2020 could be turning a corner with these two paydays in Week1!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I hope Christopher's WNBA team is doing well this year.
ReplyDelete