Thursday, July 12, 2007

Nurse the Hate: Hate the Dog Days

A lot of weird shit happens this time of year. I think it might have something to do with the fact that some people think it's a good idea to combat 95 degree heat and 60% humidity by rifleing down 17 beers. Inevitably that leads to thinking it over and loading up that revolver that has been laying around. Next thing you know, you're in an orange jumpsuit and all over the news you see the same video clip of some hillbilly crying her eyes out saying, "He told Billy Ray to turn that Molly Hatchet down, but Billy Ray said "Not until Bobby Ingram's guitar solo is over I ain't!", and that was all it took. He went crazy and shot up everybody."

You gotta stay in your shoes this time of year and not let things bother you. Things like...How this October (let's say) the Dodgers won't get the home field advantage in the World Series over (let's say) the Angels because 3 months ago in an exhibition game (a.k.a. the All-Star Game) Victor Martinez of the Indians hit a two run jack off of Mets closer Billy Wagner to give the AL the win and home field advantage. Sure, over a 162 game season the NL team may have earned a better record, but one pitch on a July night between two guys not otherwise involved negated that half year of effort. That's the kind of thing a fella might get stuck in his craw while sitting in his 115 degree attic apartment.

...Or maybe it bothers you when people don't understand the concept of the left lane. Maybe you're going to have your scrotum ripped off by your boss and nailed up to the bulletin board by the copier to serve as a warning to others that dare to be seven minutes late to work. That might have you in a bit of a hurry. Normally you would be able to utilize "the passing lane" in the left. For some reason though, many citizens do not understand the very concept of this lane. Let me clear up the confusion once and for all. If you are traveling in a 55 mph zone at exactly 55 mph and a car behind you is traveling at 55.00008 mph, you must clear the left lane and let them pass. Let's say you are traveling in the left lane in a 55 mph zone at 213 mph, and someone approaches at any speed greater than yours, you must move to let them pass. Why is this a difficult concept for people to understand? Why must I pass the puffy, open mouthed, dimwitted humanity to the right almost every morning? And why is it they drive next to each other jamming up traffic for a mile behind them? (Often in a Buick I may add...) This is exactly the kind of powderkeg of a situation I am talking about...It's the kind of thing a guy might think over while trying to beat the heat.

When you get down to it, you have two choices. Get rid of that nasty revolver or switch to Beck's Light. (The beer that appears to have less alcohol than a case of Sharps. In fact, the Beachland Ballroom has appropriated our speculation on this fact, and has had many employees take the Ken Miller created "Beck's Light Challenge". The challenge is to see how many you can drink and still have no alcohol take effect. Many have taken the challenge, and as far as I know none have beaten Beck's Light at their own game. It's the perfect beer for guys that work with metal stamping equipment. I think that Walenda fella used to knock back a couple before walking those tight ropes of his. He eventually switched to Erie Brewing Company "Railbender", and we all know how that worked out.)


Random Notes: I picked up a whole bunch of new (to me) music lately. If you're a fan of the Drive By Truckers/Uncle Tupelo, check out the Dexateens "Hardware Healing" CD. The Cogburns "Pay Up Sucker" is perfect for you if you like the real rock n roll of the Mono Men/Mudhoney/Hate Bombs/Cynics. I have to tell you, speaking of cynics, I was one in regards to Amy Winehouse. You don't very often see that much hype on anything that turns out well. She's the real deal. Imagine if the Detroit Cobras wrote their own songs and were not talented with a good voice but blessed. Her voice is unbelievable. Some of the songs are a little dodgy, but Wow...that scrawny little brat can sing...I read a review of that Built To Spill show last week that said the sound sucked. Before anyone jumps down the Grog Shop's sound person, I'll bet the guitars were turned to 11 as the band is used to playing in much larger rooms. "Hey man! No one can hear anything except the wash of your guitar! Turn it down!....No way man! I don't want to lose my tone." So to those of you that couldn't hear anything except that wall of noise, be comfortable with the fact that the guitar player maintained his tone for your ticket price. Party. ...Kistler wines are so good, but they have really gone overboard on the pricing. Their current release price for single vineyard chardonnays is $70 a bottle. They were (an already expensive) $50 just a few years back. Making matters worse is the snotty attitude they maintain from whoever it is that heads up the mailing list at the vineyard. Look, no one is doubting the quality in the bottle, but no need to treat me like some creep while you are cashing my check. I think I'm out. Damn, it is good stuff though...We're off this weekend, so I'm going to check out Bob Dylan. I'll give a full report afterwards.

1 Comments:

At July 13, 2007 at 4:34:00 PM EDT , Blogger ScottyJ said...

People from Ohio driving in the passing lane??!!?? Never!!

Growing up, we always thought it was mandated by law that Ohioans drive (slowly) in the left lane while driving in WV.

 

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