Nurse the Hate: Hate the Virgin

There is no better conversation than when someone tells you about how they lost their virginity. While most teen movies have revealed that moment for men to either be with a) someone's really hot Mom, b) the previously unattainable head cheerleader, or c) the mousy nice girl that takes off her glasses to reveal she is actually Megan Fox. "You know, after Missy took off those ugly prescription glasses, I couldn't help but notice that she is as attractive as a Brazilian bikini model. Maybe I will take her to Prom!" I don't know anyone that had any of those scenarios happen. I do read about guys having sex with the Hot Mom once in awhile. That's usually in the newspaper and the Mom is going to jail as a "sexual predator". Ah, life was so much simpler in the 80s, wasn't it? What was once considered "hot" is now a "crime". Potato potahto, eh?

Things just aren't like the movies, are they? It's always nice and clean and sweet. In the movies there is usually a touching moment of reflection before the actual deed, perhaps inside a cozy sleeping bag near a picturesque lake. The boy will lovingly stroke the hair of his True Love and say something thoughtful and romantic, and then this moment of connection of body and soul commences like a rainbow arching over a meadow. This is not the experience most people have I am guessing. Allow me to present the composite I have created from my not very extensive interviews on this subject...

"My three buddies and I bought a 12 pack of Mickey's Big Mouth with my older brother's fake ID. We were sitting around Larry's basement drinking the twelve and listening to Iron Maiden pre-gaming for the party at Karen Stevens house. There was this girl from my third period English class who said she was going to go, and I figured I could probably hook up with her since I had heard she blew this Senior at a graduation party last year. Well, we finish the Mickey's and by this point we're all shitfaced. We show up at the party, and then I'm hanging out in the kitchen doing shots of Rumpleman's with the Kraus Brothers. I don't really remember the next couple hours all that well, but somehow I am hanging out with Tammi. You remember that girl that used to work at the old Dairy Queen by the Putt Putt course? Right, the one with the brother in jail! OK, so we're hanging out in the basement watching MTV, and by this time everybody is pretty much cleared out. We started to make out, and we're dry humping on the futon downstairs. Her breath tasted like cigarettes really bad, and something like Fritos. One thing leads to another, and I have her jeans pulled down, and I'm trying to cram my fingers down her panties. She's rubbing me really hard outside of my jeans, and it's like I have fucking friction burn at this point. She asks me if I have a condom, and I pull out that one I had in my wallet that I got in the men's room of USA Skates two years ago. I couldn't put it on for a really long time, and then Tammi helped me. It was pretty embarrassing. I put it inside her, and I came in 26 seconds. Afterwards we talked awkwardly for a little bit, and I wasn't sure where to put the used condom, so I dropped it behind the couch. I told her I was going to call her, and then I left. I didn't call her that weekend, and then when I saw her in the cafeteria at school on Monday it was really weird."

You can change the details, but this is the basic story almost everyone tells. The more horrible the story, the more I like it. Having a terrible location makes it perfect. You know it's going to be awful, so why not go all the way and have sex in an abandoned warehouse? Your dad's garage maybe? The back of a Toyota Tercel is always good. Nothing says romance like having Night Ranger playing on the cassette deck while you attempt to maneuver in a space roughly the size of a veal pen. I know a guy that lost his virginity to a girl named "Pop Bottle" Perishon, so named after an incident where she inserted a coke bottle in her vagina at a party. Allegedly. How great is that? It totally beats the Lake with the nice sleeping bag. Unless you are with The Hot Mom of course.

Gambling Opportunities: I really love the Arizona Cardinals this week as I am having a hard time seeing Cam Newton flying across the country and actually converting third downs. Maybe I'm off the mark, because the NFL is a total crapshoot, but rookie QBs don't win on the road. All the rubes betting in Vegas will remember how the Cardinals really sucked last year, but they'll forget that Kevin Kolb is there now, and appears to be a legit NFL QB. Take AZ -6.5.... The Cincinnati Bengals should be really horrible. Even for on the Bengals scale they'll be bad. However, I don't see the Cleveland Browns beating anyone by big scores this year. If that line moves to 7.5 by kickoff, I may actually take Cincinnati with the points. God help me.