Nurse the Hate: Hate Voting

Today I participated in the Democratic Process and early voted at the Lorain County Board of Elections.  I had never been in the general area of the Lorain County Board of Elections, and probably never will again unless I find the need for a taxidermist, or finally get that Prince Albert I always wanted at Big Ed’s Piercing.  I had the suspicion that an entirely foreign world existed two exits away from my home, but this was the confirmation.  I can’t recall ever seeing so many sweatpants tucked into winter boots in one place.  This “Leisure Captain Kirk” look has swept Lorain County by storm, and I totally missed the boat.  You can imagine how out of place I felt as I stood stiffly in my black slacks and trench coat. 

If you have ever wondered why all the campaign ads sound like they are talking to five year olds, I plead with you to stand in line at the Lorain County Board of Elections.  The level of conversation and basic thought patterns of the people that were standing in line next to me were shocking.  The woman in front of me was speaking to her friend and mentioned that she had not seen one of their mutual friends in quite some time by remarking “I never be seeing her.”  The woman behind me, resplendent in pink sweat pants tucked into brown fluffy zip up boots offset nicely by her vinyl Browns jacket with hood, talked non stop in a husky smoker’s voice.  She was busy telling anyone that would listen “God’s plan for her had changed” because she had failed out of a community college since she didn’t do any of the actual work.  I spent an hour listening to her non-stop narrative about her life and times.  I know the whole story.  There was never a realization of cause and effect in any of her decisions.   

As the line slowly inched forward, the smoker’s voice woman began speaking to the woman behind her.  This woman was in her 40s, five feet tall, five feet wide and looking ready to exercise her vote in her stained powder blue sweat pants.  They both discussed their recent hospital stays and wondered aloud why God had decided they needed to be in the hospital for ten days with heart issues.  Maybe it was because they were morbidly obese smokers and not God’s decision, but what do I know?  The Lord works in mysterious ways.  Pass the nachos. 

My brother and I were discussing a very controversial political scholar that maintains you cannot underestimate the stupidity of the American voter.  This scholar is derided as being elitist, and while perhaps the context of his message can be debated, the overall content cannot.  Take a look around.  People are terrifyingly stupid.  As my brother said to me after I told him about my line companions, “You want to try and discuss sequester cuts and national debt with that woman?  You’d have to use puppets.”  

I don’t think you have to be a subscriber to The Economist, Mother Jones, or The Atlantic, but shouldn’t you at least have a basic grasp of the basic issues?  I always feel woefully underprepared by the time the ballot gets to the judges and arcane state constitutional issues.  How in the world are these people choosing?  The same basic skill set they have used to arrive at failure in technical college, bill collection calls, broken marriages, fuck up kids, neck tattoos and stained powder blue sweat pants is going to be used to decide the leader of the free world.  It really freaks me out if I dwell on it.  I wouldn’t trust any of those people to go get a pizza much less make a reasonable decision on a complicated issue. 

I waited well over an hour in the outside line and finally got inside.  I then realized the wait was due to the fact that most of the people that were voting were struggling to figure out how to use the voting machines and probably had no chance at understanding the language of the ballot issues.  They had a look on their face like I would if I was plucked out of line to take a Calculus 4 exam.  It took me about 90 seconds to work my way through the ballot.  I assume my line companions are still there, voting and awaiting God’s next heart attack.