Friday, June 21, 2013

Nurse the Hate: Hate The Wedding Reception

I was eating lunch by myself in a restaurant.  I took a table in the corner with my back to the wall, as I usually do, so as to not make myself a vibrant target for a sniper.  Though the pair of women was three tables away, the one facing me had a voice that carried in a way that an opera singer would have been jealous.  She had something to say, and she was going to say it.  There was no stopping it.  She would be heard. 

The woman was one of those East Coast "I'm a career woman goddammit" types with the overbearing manner of a future Jewish mother. If you want to know what is wrong with you, I would think that if you spent ten minutes in the orbit of this woman, she would let you know in the most direct manner possible.  “Greg, maybe if you weren’t such a self-centered asshole people would like you more!  And take a minute to iron your fucking shirt.  You look like crap.”   

Thankfully, the focus was not on me today.  Today, it was all about her.  She didn't so much talk to her friend as lecture her with an angry tone on her failed relationship history. Even from a distance you could see that the biggest issue in her failures was plainly evident.  Who could handle that type of constant criticism?  Most men would just plain lose the ability to withstand the daily verbal onslaught.  She continued with her voice rising in aggravation as her story continued. 

Her last boyfriend had taken her to a wedding. She and her boyfriend were “serious”.  It was all going according to plan.  They were living together, and there was an expectation of marriage, children, and the whole bit. The plan all went horribly off track at the wedding reception.  The last thing you think will happen when you are the guest at a wedding is discovering your boyfriend having intercourse with the bride in the bathroom. I can certainly imagine how this would have derailed the relationship. It's probably pretty tough to get past the image of "your guy" thrusting into another woman in a bridal gown. Hallmark, as far as I am aware, does not make a greeting card powerful enough to get past that one.  The relationship was over. 

I would have loved to have slid my chair over there and asked her some follow up questions.  What exactly happened when this discovery was made?  What sort of scene did you make?  (This woman would not have been the “tearful exit with handkerchief held to face” type.  I would expect lots of yelling at everyone as the crowd gathered.)  How did you get home?  Certainly you didn’t drive together like you came.  What did the groom do?  How about everyone’s parents?  Man, it must have been a hell of a thing.  I have so many questions…  

The actual incident, while spectacular in a destructive way, is totally fascinating. From her ex-boyfriend’s point of view, why did he think this was a good idea? I think we can agree that the "sanctity of marriage" idea wasn't a big concern on his part. Even though he appeared to be a bit of an amoral risk taker, going for the bride at the wedding reception itself seems a bit over the top to me.  He either wanted to "mark his territory" like a junkyard dog or the concept of forbidden fruit just drove him to insanity.  If you want to have sex with someone other than the woman you took to the wedding, the actual bride at the wedding wouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind.  Even if he thought the bride was interested, one would think that the timing of her actual wedding reception would have placed too many constraints on action.  Not for that guy.  These are the actions of a dangerous man.  He has no filter.  Nothing stops him.  He is a man that should be monitored closely by The Authorities. 

That was when the story veered into the woman’s present boring dating life.  I felt cheated.  I felt the woman’s story lacked the obvious follow up on the full explanation of the newlywed’s fate.  I did have my theories.  Maybe I am a pessimist, but I think the marriage might have been over.  When you get divorced after a few hours, do you still refer to the other person as your Ex?  What is the protocol on that?  If I had been either of them, I would have hired a very good public relations firm, like that one that made us forget Manti Teo is gay or swept the Tom Cruise divorce under the rug.  It would be advisable to move to a new city, or face having a decade of awkward conversations with people you run into at gas stations.  “Soooo…. I haven’t seen you since that wedding…”  

I am going to grab lunch now.  I will sit in the corner, to avoid being an obvious target for a sniper.  With luck, a man will sit down two tables over and say, “Yeah, I’m not together with Shoshanna anymore.  Wait… You didn’t hear about that wedding we went to?”  


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