Sunday, September 20, 2015

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NFL Week 2

I was exposed to the light last week as a complete fool.  While this has not necessarily been an uncommon experience for me, it was still humbling to realize that I don’t know anything about the NFL or gambling.  Sure, I would have won that Baltimore game if that last second Flacco pass didn’t ricochet off the tight end’s hands in the end zone.  Yes, Browns QB Josh McCown’s helicopter concussion placed John W. Football in for the Browns, guaranteeing a loss with the certainty of death/taxes. There were reasons for my total failure.  However this is a game of results.  There is no time for whining explanations.  There are only winners and losers, and I was a total loser.

I believe in the Law of Averages.  Today I will be vindicated.  This is a bold statement considering that I shot my mouth off last night and became entangled in a Browns +3 bet with a friend.  As we all know, it is literally impossible to win a professional football game with John W. Football at QB.  I cannot explain why I allowed myself to take the Browns and the elevated 3 points, except for the fact that I like to be a contrarian.  I must have assumed that the Browns defense would recover a couple of fumbles in the end zone, or maybe the special teams would return three kicks for touchdowns.  Maybe I thought that during a key moment in the game a plague of locusts would descend on Browns Stadium and in the ensuing mayhem a Browns running back would heroicially carry the ball into the end zone.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know what the hell I was thinking.  I am now actively trying to distance myself from that “Browns +3” position.  With luck my buddy was so loaded on cheap rum that he will forget all about our conversation.  This is my only hope.

I am now going to have to not only dig out of the hole from last week, but from my stupidity last night.  I can think of no better way of doing that than betting against the Chicago Bears.  The Bears are really bad.  The general public vaguely thinks so, but it isn’t top of mind.  Most people spend as much time thinking about the Bears as they do fiber contents of cereal, labor policy in Vietnam, or the recording career of the Alan Parsons Project.  I wonder what Alan did after he completed his project?  I will tell you one thing he didn’t do, he didn’t go out and get Bears tickets.  He probably had himself a nice Fresca instead.

Arizona is an elite NFL team.  They are in Arizona so no one gives a shit yet.  No one has noticed.  When I think about Arizona I think about retirees and Mexicans driving around strip plazas in white cars hoping that wherever they stop the car has really good air conditioning.  I don’t think about the Cardinals.  I should though.  The Cardinals have very quietly done the things good teams in the NFL do, which is routinely defeat bad teams.  Arizona is 14-3 against the spread versus teams with a losing record.  The Bears are 4-19 at home ATS.  Make no mistake, the Bears are going to be a team with a losing record.  I foresee a highlights package airing tonight with Jay Cutler walking off the field after a back breaking interception with his head hung low.  Arizona -2.  

The Steelers played that Thursday Night NFL Season Opener what seems like 7 weeks ago.  Meanwhile San Francisco played at home late Monday night.  Now the 49ers get to make that “west to east” trip to play the well rested and pissed off Steelers in their home opener.  That doesn’t sound good.  Have a really super afternoon guys.  You want to hear something else that doesn’t sound good for San Francisco?  Pittsburgh is 8-1 in their last 9 home openers. This seems like a game where Pittsburgh gets out to an early lead and SF wonders what the hell just happened and did someone get their luggage at the airport.  Pittsburgh -6.

I have a few personal codes of conduct that have served me well.  Never eat at Hardee’s.  Don’t buy cheap shoes.  Bet against Marvin Lewis and the Bengals whenever possible.  If you follow just these three basic commandments your life will run relatively smoothly.  The Chargers roll into Cincinnati today where Bengal fans are probably already questioning something Marvin Lewis did.  Please note I don’t think that the Chargers are an especially good team.  I also think that the Bengals have about twice as much talent as the Chargers.  I just firmly feel The Marvin Lewis factor will be enough for the Bolts today.  Oh yeah, the Chargers are also 16-6 against the spread out of their division.  I will take a flier on them today.  San Diego +3.5.

Season Record 0-3


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