Nurse the Hate: The Bull Shark Dive Idea

So I have made arrangements to dive with Bull Sharks.  When I saw the advertisement, I thought it was a mistake or some sort of deceiving ad claim.  It seems like a remarkably bad idea if it was true.  These sharks are generally bad news like Def Leppard coming on the radio.  Also like Def Leppard, Bull Sharks have a Wikipedia page.  It says the following:  “The bull shark is known for its aggressive nature, and predilection for warm shallow water.  They are probably responsible for the majority of near-shore shark attacks, including many bites attributed to other species.  A maximum size of 11 feet and 400 pounds is commonly reported.  They may be more dangerous to humans than any other species of shark, and along with the tiger shark and great white shark, are among the three shark species most likely to bite humans.”

The good news is I have now made arrangements to dive with some guy named Alvaro into the ocean where these bull sharks congregate at around 70 feet.  I should also note that we will not be in a shark cage, but rather completely out in the open.  Just a couple guys swimming around on the bottom of the ocean with some sea monsters.  I will also be diving with nitrox which will allow for greater time spent in the water and allow for a controlled ascent, or being able to hide from a big aggressive monster in a cave for a while if necessary.  This is about the scariest thing I can think of to willingly do, which is of course why I immediately committed to the trip.

If headlines show up in your news feed like “Jackass Tourist Loses Leg To Shark” or “Man Loses Both Arms In Shark Diving Mishap”, there is a pretty good chance it was me.  Still, as long as I don’t die or lose my limbs, a nice shark bite is just the thing I need to start out my 2016.  This will become my entire focal point as I will weave it into every single social interaction I have from that point on.  I can see myself now, walking into a crowded room trying to loosen up my shoulder.  “What’s the matter?  Did you sleep wrong?”  No, it’s just this damn shark bite left my with a lot of scar tissue that hasn’t broken up.  Oh, you didn’t know I was bitten by an 11 foot bull shark in the Gulf?  Here’s what happened…  (Eyes roll, people that have heard the story 117 times struggle to get out of the immediate area, almost stampeding one another to prevent hearing the increasingly grandiose tale spun yet again…)

I am really excited about seeing nature’s perfect predator in its natural habitat.  Sharks have such grace, power and beauty.  The challenge of keeping my cool while something that dangerous comes to check us out is exhilarating.  And really intimidating.  This is a test that is clearly pass/fail and I will not fail. The key to the entire thing is to not freak the fuck out and start flailing around.  Keep it together, stay still on the ocean floor, and don't make any aggressive moves.  They are like enormous dogs.  Well, enormous dogs that can kill you and have evolved over millions of years to be perfect at it.  The allure of seeing this gigantic amazing creature up close is the draw for me.   

Now, don’t be mistaken, I do not want to see this predator so close that it makes me a meal.  Between you and I, if it makes a meal out of Alvaro while I swim away quietly like a coward, I can live with that.  Sorry Alvaro.  I’m sure I will come up with some cover story that sounds believable enough to CNN.  Sure, the locals there will know I left a man behind, but what are the odds that the network sends a translator?  Budgets are tight in media now, and most of these reporters are following Trump around anyway.  I will play the odds on this one.  (this will be the line quoted in my obit by the way)

I will post a full report soon…