Monday, May 23, 2016

Nurse the Hate: Hate the NCAA

May 20, 2016

Mark Emmert
NCAA Eligibility Center
PO Box 7110
Indianapolis IN  46207

Dear Mr. Emmert,

  I have recently decided to make a dramatic career change and become a Division 1 football punt returner.  I am a 49 year old man that has had some success in both advertising sales and playing country punk rock in a band based out of Cleveland OH.  Yet, I am a firm believer in always moving forward.  After a brief discussion with my trainer, we decided a goal for this year would be to become a kick return specialist in Division 1 football.  I have been actively rehabbing a torn meniscus in my right knee and soldiering on in a training regimen that is laser focused.  Between us, I worked out three (3) times this week for slightly over one (1) hour per session.  I am ready to get on the field.  However, I have just run into my first problem.

  A major football power is, I would say, “interested” to “very interested” in me.  Unfortunately it seems your organization has a rule in place that makes a student ineligible to play NCAA sports after five years of first attending college.  This is an issue for me as I received an undergraduate degree at Kent State University in 1988.  Please note I did not play football while at Kent.  I spent my time there drinking heavily, listening to punk rock records, and chasing girls to a very limited success.  I did not participate in any university athletics with the exception of a hard fought victory in my sophomore year bowling class final.  That comeback victory is still discussed in hushed whispers by the way…     

  My hope is that you can allow me to make my triumphant return to campus as soon as possible.  I am about to turn 50 after all, and there is growing concern within my training team that my ability to sustain contact at this level of football might be limited at best.  I am not overly concerned with that as when I last played organized football as a 15 year old this wasn’t a major issue (though I did finish the 8th grade season on the IR with broken bones).  My thoughts are I will get a scholarship to a high profile/fair weather college in the South.  Once there I will get another degree, return a few kicks for touchdowns on national TV, maybe join a fraternity, and create relationships that will last a lifetime.  Who knows, with hard work and luck, I might become involved in Heisman Trophy consideration.

  Thanks in advance for your help in resolving this little misunderstanding regarding my eligibility.  I look forward to being one of the “feel good stories” of the 2016 NCAA college football season.  You are all doing a great job over there!  Let me know when the paperwork clears so I can clear my plate and get on the field.  I will probably want to get in touch with my new roommate sooner rather than later, as I recall needing to figure out logistics like who is bringing the mini fridge and/or the microwave. 

Thanks again!

Greg Miller


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