Friday, September 16, 2016

Nurse the Hate: NFL Gambling Gone Wrong Week 2

Yesterday I was yelled at by a seven-year-old girl.  I don’t know if you have ever been yelled at by a seven-year-old girl, especially one without her front baby teeth, but it’s not pleasant.  Now, I did make the faux pas of suggesting another kid was “the same age” as her.  The little girl rolled her eyes, put her hands on her hips and gave me a real dressing down for not knowing that she was 34 days older than the other kid.  I was trying to defend myself saying that a month apart was essentially the same age and dug the hole even deeper.  What a disaster.  That little girl at seven is already a handful.  The last time I stammered out an apology like that was at a party when I had mistakenly congratulated a woman on her pregnancy that turned out to just be her gut.  Ouch. 

The only way to feel just a tad manly after that debacle is to engage in some heavy duty football gambling.  Please note that I have not run these picks by that little seven-year-old bully to see what she thought, so use them at your own peril.  However, I have watched a mind numbing amount of football in the last week, so I mistakenly feel like I have a decent grasp on some of these teams.  Let’s forget about what went wrong and focus on what is about to go right, eh?  Fuck that little kid.

I watched the Lions pull out a game over Indy last week.  It is very exciting for all Lions fans.  Before everyone in Detroit starts jacking each other off, I’d like to remind you all that every able body in the already iffy Indianapolis secondary was hurt.  They had some trainer kid playing in the dime package at the end of that game.  Brace yourselves.  I am recommending taking the Tennessee Titans +4.5 this week at Detroit.  Tennessee shut down Minnesota last week, which suggests that they have at least an average defense.  Meanwhile Detroit let Indy go up and down the field all game on them.  They aren’t stopping anyone.  This looks like one of those games decided by a field goal at the end.  That won’t cover the spread amigo.  The books know that no one likes to bet on shitty teams like Tennessee.  It’s how they pay for those $1.99 shrimp cocktails.  Take the Titans.

Speaking of Indy, let’s bet against them in Denver, shall we?  Denver beat the crap out of a really good Carolina team ten days ago.  This suggests that maybe if you can win a Super Bowl with an out of gas Peyton Manning that you might also be able to beat a very average Colt team at home after enjoying extra rest.  Did you see what the Broncos did to Cam Newton last week?  Good Lord.  I got a concussion watching it on TV.  You think that defense might be able to do that to the Colts?  I sure do.  Denver -6.

San Francisco kicked the crap out of the Rams late Monday in a game that was hard to be excited about.  Those guys have been driving around the Bay Area with their chests all puffed out hopefully forgetting that they have to fly out for an early game in Carolina this Sunday.  “Hey baby…  You see me Monday night?  Who do we play this week?  Shit, I don’t know…”  Carolina needs to cover 13 points.  That’s what is referred to in gambling circles as “a shit ton” of points.  Consider this:  The 49ers are 1-4 against the spread when underdogs of 10+ in their last five.  The 49ers are 5-14 ATS in their last 19 on a Sunday after a Monday Night game.  The 49ers are also 2-12 against the spread in their last 14 against the Panthers.  Carolina coach Ron Rivera has had ten days to prepare for this game.  The Panthers just lost to Denver.  Again.  This has the feel of one of those “let’s beat the crap out of someone to feel good about ourselves” games.  I’m on Carolina -13.

Season Record:  2-1   


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