Nurse the Hate: Hate The Parrot

The last time I had seen him was at a party.  It was one of those parties that stated out as “just having a few people over” to “careening out of hand” when some unexpected strangers with an edge to them showed up.  I was the friend of a friend of a friend to the woman that owned the house.  I was standing in the kitchen looting the refrigerator for a better quality beer than what was available on the drinks table.  I felt someone staring at me when I plucked the Great Lakes out of the meager pickings in the condiment heavy refrigerator.  I had never seen him before then, a complete stranger.  He had that slow listing motion side to side that only someone on a dedicated drunk can pull off.  He stared at me too long, as if considering if he wanted to give me trouble, but then rolled out a slow smile that indicated he felt like he was in control.

“I’m going to grab one of those beers.  You see a problem with that?”

I answered as he lurched into the fridge.  “Nope.  Unless you can’t figure out how to open it.”  He straightened up clutching the beer trying to figure out what I meant, if it was an aggressive taunt.  He grabbed the bottle opener from the counter and triumphantly popped the cap off with a swagger that suggested he took my response 100% literally.  He smiled in a way that said “A-ha!  I showed you!” and slid down the hallway wall back out to the main party.  Music had been turned up past the stereo’s breaking point.  It wasn’t that loud all things considered, but was horribly distorted.  The universal truth was proven again in that room.  Men spend too much on electronics.  Women spend too much on curtains.

I remember that guy being difficult.  He was getting in everyone’s face.  People were trying to pass him off to one another like he was a parrot.  You could see people’s expressions change when they were seconds into a conversation with him.  They then scanned the room to see if they could pass him off to someone else.  “Oh I didn’t know you hated Billy Joel.  You know who really hates Billy Joel?  Kevin!  Hey Kevin?  This guy hates Billy Joel too!”  Oh yeah?  Bam.  Passed off.  Retreat.

A woman came up to me and asked me if he was one of my guys.  I quickly distanced myself from him and used our mutual dislike of this man to suggest an immediate airlift out of the situation and somewhere more civilized.  As I walked out of the house with my new female companion I heard the crash of glass as he knocked over a pitcher of gin and tonics followed by high pitched yelling.  I probably spent a decade plus of my life leaving out of control situations like these with the wrong person.  That’s the challenge I suppose, finding and somehow keeping the right person interested in exiting these type of bad situations with you.  Most of life is spent dodging broken glass hoping someone nice says “hello”.

Years later I met a man in a park that was very interested in telling me his “testimony”.  I was walking with the bassets when he approached.  I should have known by his wooden crucifix that it was coming.  He was very animated.  He was one of those people that must have been new to the “saved” identity and peppered his language with things like “when I was saved by Jesus Christ Our Lord” as if I would have been confused as to who just “Jesus” was.  He was so completely out of context that I have no idea what triggered my memory to the guy sizing me up in that kitchen.  I think it was how his eyebrows moved when he looked at me for approval that clicked with when the memory of when he opened that bottle years earlier.  That was the guy.  It had to be… 

“Hey, I think I met you years ago.  You were drunk as shit.  You were at a party in Lakewood with this guy named Kevin.  You knocked over a pitcher of gin and the woman that owned the house freaked out.  Somebody told me you worked in the sports arena.  Was that you?”  Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe.  I was unpredictable when I was in a life of sin.  But that is all changed now since I found Jesus Christ Our Lord.  Would you like to listen to more of my testimony?  “Not really man.  I’m glad you are happy and all, but I’m in a bit of a hurry.”  I realized my eyes were darting around the area looking to pass him off to someone.  Anyone.  A park ranger walked down the sidewalk no doubt to bust my chops for having the dogs off leash.  This was perfect.  I could avoid a hassle and get out of this at the same time.  “Hey!  Officer?  This guy found the key to happiness.”  Is that right? the bemused ranger said.  This was my cue as attention shifted to this poor sap.  As I walked away with the bassets I heard over my shoulder “Can I tell you my testimony?”.  I had passed the parrot and exited the bad situation.  Again.  Praise Jesus Christ Our Lord.