Nurse the Hate: Mocking Zeus and the Lock Of The Season

I barely escaped Northeast Ohio this weekend.  The encroaching winter weather had already been given a name, a new twist in our cable news media age where all weather events are catastrophic as opposed to slightly inconvenient.  It’s not too difficult to travel in a storm producing 1-3 inches of snow, but to make headway in Winter Storm Joshua is goddamn heroic.  Sure Winter Storm Joshua is what we all used to call 1-3 inches of snow, but it gives our lives more drama to be involved in the epic struggle of Man vs. Nature.  Battling Winter Storm Joshua is like going bare knuckles against fucking Zeus.  To think I managed to make it to my well appointed hotel room in Cozumel while going toe to toe with Zeus makes me a bit of a Demi God myself, does it not?  Hail Greg.  Of course now I have tempted the Gods to exact brutal revenge on my insolent tone by celebrating my victory of climbing into an economy airline seat and reading a book all day across two airports.  He that mocks Zeus shall feel the fury of Zeus’s wraith.  

My concern is that Zeus is going to screw me in the NFL Playoffs.  Most of the players will “praise God” when they find success on the field.  As an old acquaintance “David with a D” once famously said, “No one seems to believe much in Zeus anymore”.  This is absolutely true and this seems like as good a time as any for Zeus to re-emerge from his self

imposed exile and make a big comeback like Dolly Parton.  I just don’t want to be clasping a betting slip on the wrong side when this highly irregular occurrence plays out live on Network TV.  This is why I have decided on a bit of a curveball on the games this Sunday.

It was brought to my attention that a line existed on a Super Bowl future of “AFC v NFC pick em”.  I firmly believe that the Kansas City Chiefs are the best team remaining in the field.  The Titans will have to win what is effectively their fourth playoff game on the road in a row.  Prior to their win last week over Baltimore, most sports fans would have struggled to have named more than two players on the Titans.  Their gear is so unattractive even bandwagon jumping Nashville sports fans refuse to wear it.  For the Titans to win, they will rely on man beast Derrick Henry to have a fourth game of 30+ touches, a feat last done in 2009 by Cleveland Brown Jerome Harrison, a man now physically broken and requiring 24 hour monitored medical care.  (I’m serious). Over the last decade, the 20 times when a back has had 24+ carries four times in a row, their fourth game resulted in a full half yard less efficiency per carry.  As a result, to bet Tennessee, I think it follows that you expect Derrick Henry to pull of a historic feat.  I’m going the other way on that...

Kansas City has been getting healthy at the right time.  When they last played the Titans, it was Mahomes first game back from a dislocated kneecap and they still put up 500+ yards.  The KC defense is significantly better than 7 games ago.  This is an elite team that is peaking.  I can’t see how Tennessee can score enough points to stay with KC at home.  The Titans have had an amazing run, but their good fortune is going to run out on Sunday.

I suspect that SF wins over Green Bay.  Green Bay is a bit of a mirage.  They went 13-3 but were somehow out gained over the season.  They won almost all of their close games, a trend that eventually runs out.  The NFL is cruel.  It is manufactured to bring everyone back to being average (except the Browns who will always be terrible).  I can’t go all in on the 49ers though as I do not trust Jimmy G.  A man that dates a porn star when he is the highest profile athlete in the SF Bay just isn’t right in the head.  We all saw that horrible INT in the Vikings game right before halftime.  We all saw the expression on his face.  If this game is going to come down to the end, who do you trust?  Jimmy G or the guy in the State Farm commercials?  Jimmy G is not in my circle of trust.  When I see Patrick Mahomes or Aaron Rodgers, I see a guy thinking “put me in so we can win the game”.  When I see Jimmy G I see a guy making a noise like “guh guh guh” as he freaks out throwing a backbreaking pick.

So if we assume that KC wins, and we don’t really care who wins in the NFC, what’s the line in the Super Bowl?  Kansas City minus three?  Tennessee is much scarier than San Fran or Green Bay.  If the Titans keep winning, I get Tennessee with an extra week of rest against the SF/GB winner at pick em.  That’s a win either way.  I am taking my “strongest position of the season” on AFC Super Bowl pick em.  I am stepping up on this one.  This is opportunity knocking.  Fuck Zeus.  I have outsmarted The Gods!