Friday, April 19, 2019

Nurse the Hate: Reviving My College Football Career



Les Miles
University of Kansas Football
Allen Fieldhouse
1651 Naismith Dr
Lawrence KS  66045

Coach Miles,

  First off, let me say how excited I was to see you get back to where you belong, running a major college football program.  I feel like your departure at LSU was shortsighted on that university’s part.  I am sure that they will come to regret that decision.  Obviously, their personnel move impacted me as well, as I had counted on being part of your squad this season and confidently striding the LSU campus as a member of the football team.  I suppose there is a silver lining in this unexpected layoff as I was able to further rehab and train, to put myself in an even better position for great success as a Kansas Jayhawk.

  I don’t know if you recall, but I had contacted you during your LSU tenure in hopes of joining the team and doing my part to help win the SEC.  Though many of my detractors would suggest that as a somewhat rickety middle aged man with questionable speed, I might not be the best choice as a featured punt returner, I would counter that my moxie more than makes up for the fact I haven’t played football competitively since 1982.  I will be a strong presence in the locker room, keeping the guys focused and leading by example.  In baseball parlance, I’m “a good clubhouse guy” and will bring a much needed winning attitude to the Kansas Jayhawk Football Program.

  I couldn’t help but notice with a cursory glance on the web that the Kansas Football Program has struggled of late.  This is a big project you have taken on, but I am convinced you are the man for the job.  Let’s be honest.  It won’t take much to make people forget about “The David Beaty Era”.  I know you’ll win some ballgames.  But, you’ll need help.  After some soul searching I have decided to “throw my hat in the ring” to follow you to Lawrence KS and get down to the business of winning the Big 12. 
 
  Here’s my thought…  Bring me in to compete with Kwamie Lassiter II for the punt returner job.  Granted, he had a touchdown vs Oklahoma State last season while I woke up in bed this morning with my right heel in howling pain for no particular reason.  Sure, there are advantages to Lassiter on the field that are hard to ignore like speed, agility and courage.  However, I do bring “intangibles” to the field that will help even out the pesky measurables.  I’m just looking for the chance to compete and show you what three days of working out each week can provide.  My trainer said last week, “you’re not in that bad a shape for an old guy, all things considered”.  Not bad, eh? 

  I’m thinking positive about this Coach.  I will likely use my University of Kansas scholarship to major in French.  I earned an absurdly advanced wine certification last year, but between you and me, my French is so awful I make everyone in Paris wince when I open my mouth.  I’m hoping to master French, join a Frat, win some games, and help you turn this thing around in Kansas.  My company has a TV station in Kansas City, so maybe I’ll sell commercials there during the week and take my French classes at night.  It seems like a pretty quick commute.  Obviously, I will want to be on campus with the guys to help with the winning culture you’re trying to institute.  I’ll probably buy a video game system to help break the ice with my new teammates.  Invite the guys over for sensible snacks and gaming.  That sort of thing.  I’ll make the schedule work somehow.  Don’t worry about me. 
 
  Let me know if this plan seems reasonable.  I’m anxious to get to work.  I’ll probably add another workout day to my week too with the hopes of getting my 40 yard dash time down under 6.5 seconds by August practice.  I want to be ready for the opener vs Indiana State.  I’d like to get two touchdowns on those chumps.  Looking forward to joining the Jayhawk family.

Your pal,

Greg Miller                         


2 Comments:

At May 1, 2019 at 7:45:00 PM EDT , Blogger AZ said...

Sure he has a lot to do, but it is now May and you clearly should have heard back by now. WTF?

 
At June 17, 2019 at 7:42:00 AM EDT , Blogger Malik Aizaz said...

Nice
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