Saturday, October 26, 2019

Nurse the Hate: Italian Wine Exam and Surefire NFL Locks

I just took an Italian Wine Exam this week.  This had to do with my continued quest to position myself the opportunity to achieve the mythic Master of Wine title, the Yoda of wine.  While it can be argued that becoming the Yoda of wine is essentially pointless, still the effort required to attempt it should be recognized.  Could I better serve my community by pouring my time into becoming a surgeon and performing free medical procedures on those in need?  Yes.  However, that would not be nearly as enjoyable as sucking down a decade old Brunello while making shit talk regarding the "length of finish" and "glorious mid palate".  In the end, there is little nobility in this pursuit beyond the monastic effort needed to remember obscure Italian grapes, rivers, and soil types.  If you need someone to pretend to know more about volcanic soils than they really do, I'm your guy.

I worked my way through the exam feeling less than confident.  It was somehow enjoyable to have a feeling stir inside me to remind me of rainy Fall mornings in the late 80s as a Kent student.  There is nothing like that cold wave of recognition washing over you when it is confirmed you aren't nearly as prepared for a test as you had self deluded yourself into.  "Yeah... I pretty much know this stuff..." which often leads to the Great Myth of Exam Prep, "It's essay so I can just bullshit my way through it."  I like the idea that I thought an answer to an essay question that obviously had no meat in it would pass muster.  Hell, I did that once chasing the WSET Diploma.  "The port shipping business is primarily focused on ships which ship port as a means of business in regards to the port shipping business."  Nailed it bitch.

I have no idea how I did beyond defining the level of "poor".  There was a Brit giving the exam, so they will relish the chance to knock the stuffing out of me with the news.  It's what they do.  "Greg?  I have your exam score.  You didn't do very well I'm afraid.  Yes, we normally stop grading when someone has missed so many questions we categorize their effort as "poor", but with yours we felt we needed to keep going to see how poorly you would actually do.  It was remarkable really...  There was some discussion in the office about the possibility of you having a learning disability.  I believe the old categorization of someone with your mental capacity was "imbecile", but I believe that has been changed now to "moron".  Is that right?"

Oh well...  We'll see how it turns out.  For now I will keep slogging along alone.  It does provide me with a sense of purpose, and offers a chance at achievement which is sorely lacking in modern adult life.  I feel like most days people wait for me to turn a corner to toss turds at me and I am obliged to take them smack in the face with a smile.  At least this academic pursuit is totally in my control, the success or failure completely in my hands.  Thus, this upcoming failure will be shouldered by me with no chance at finger pointing.

Let's move to something else which I feel I also have the illusion of some control.  I am, of course, talking about the wilderness of mirrors of NFL Football.  Let me be upfront and say I don't feel great about any of the games this week.  The action this week is really about keeping me busy after having our Saturday gig cancelled due to Bad Craziness and The Continued Rise of The Police State.  Idle hands being the devil's playthings, it's a good time to get wild on the NFL.

First off, I am betting against Denver.  I have seen this team look terrible three times in a row.  Their defense appears to be strong, but when you take just a moment to consider it, it's only because you are reflexively comparing the defensive unit to the horrific Denver offensive team.  Joe Flacco looks completely disengaged on the field.  He should just take his phone on the field to see if his weekly game check cleared via mobile banking.  "Joe?  What play are we running?"  Give me a second... Cool.  Check's in.  What's that?  Oh... the play... I dunno.  A run I guess...  It's shocking how far and how fast that guy regressed.  He must make Denver fans yearn for a return of Jay Cutler.  At least when Cutler didn't give a shit, you know it was his lifestyle, not just the pathetic end of a money making venture.

Indianapolis is a much better team than The Public realizes.  Vegas Tourist Guy still thinks that without Andrew Luck the Colts are team without a QB, when in fact Brisset appears quite serviceable.  He won't win games for you by himself, but the Colt O-line and defense will.  I can't understand why the Colts are only -4.5 at home, so this is obviously an eel set up to bite my scrotum. This line should be around a touchdown.  What don't I know?  Screw it.  Indianapolis -4.5

The Public loves The Packers.  Every week we are told over and over that Aaron Rodgers is a Christlike figure doing things that only The Stepson Of God could do.  Then you get hit with seven State Farm commercials (where State Farm inexplicably decided to also pay Pat Mahomes for a cameo endorsement too).  The Pack!  America's team!  6-1!  Super Bowl baby!  They can't lose!

Let's contrast that with the KC Chiefs.  The Chiefs just lost poster boy QB Pat Mahomes and will have to get by for a few weeks with the decidedly unsexy Matt Moore at QB.  If Matt Moore was a vehicle, he'd be a 2009 Dodge Minivan.  Will it get you where you need to go?  Yes.  Will you look good going there?  No.  The injury to Mahomes moved this line from KC giving 4.5 to them getting 4.5 at home.  Couple quick things...  The Jesus of QBs, Aaron Rodgers, is a .500 quarterback on the road.  This is not something State Farm ads tell you.  Also, while Green Bay is 6-1, they have also had five (5) home games in a bizarre scheduling fluke.  I believe opinion on The Pack is inflated.  Meanwhile it is common knowledge that Andy Reid teams do VERY well after he's had an extra bye week to prep.  Last week the Chiefs weren't on a bye, but they did play on Thursday, giving Reid an extra few days to game plan with Moore under center.  Everyone else on the planet is on The Pack.  Give me Kansas City +4.5 at home on a Sunday night.  

It was a tough break for Sam Darnold to get caught saying "I'm seeing ghosts out there" while providing one of there worst professional football performances in recent memory.  That quote will follow him forever.  The problem is, it was probably accurate.  The Patriots defense has only given up three offensive TDs in 7 weeks.  The Patriots excel in coming up with complicated schemes to confuse young quarterbacks... like Baker Mayfield who has to roll into New England on Sunday.  The Browns have the 27th ranked offense in the league.  The Patriots are the #1 defense.  Hmmm... I am thinking the Browns will have trouble scoring.  Money has been pouring in on Cleveland over the last two days moving the line from 13.5 to 10.5.  I don't get it.  I am going to tease New England UNDER 49.5/Indianapolis +1.5.

Season Record:  14-5-1  



At November 4, 2019 at 2:05:00 PM EST , Blogger AZ said...

You will officially be a legend once completed.


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