Saturday, November 9, 2019

Nurse the Hate: This week's surefire NFL locks

It seems impossible that the Cleveland Browns will ever win again.  The fact that the team has been a flop isn 't surprising.  It's what they inherently do.  Being surprised watching the Browns lose is like being shocked when Slayer comes onstage and plays metal.  "Geez... I thought this was going to be an emo show.  What a disappointment!"  It's what was always going to happen.  Yet, I am surprised at how utterly unlikeable the team has become.

Baker Mayfield is a lot of fun when he's slinging touchdowns and winning games.  When he's looking inept and jittery, he's like Johnny Manziel without the inflatable pool swan.  There's somehow something cathartic about watching him fail, like seeing a high school bully get his comeuppance.  Toss in the diva receivers that are primarily concerned about their clothing choices, a pointlessly confrontational coach in way over his head, underperforming shit talking defensive players, and the baffling organizational smugness to end up with something to really hate there.  These guys are 2-6 and still talking playoffs.  How much more detached from reality could a group of people be?  They'll be lucky to win six.

My concern in betting the Bills over the Browns this Sunday is that the 6-2 Bills are a mirage.  They got pasted by the Eagles a couple weeks ago in what was an eye opener for the Bills Mafia.  This is a team that should focus on slipping into a Wild Card Playoff game and then suffer a humiliating loss.  I just don't know if they can come into Cleveland and win.  However, I am fairly certain that the Browns can find a way to lose.  In only the third time in the NFL in the last 30 years, a 6-2 team is getting points while facing a 2-6 team.  It's probably a trick, but I'm falling for it.  Buffalo +3

Mike Zimmer, Minnesota's coach, hardly ever gets mentioned on the network laughing ex-jock pregame shows.  Minnesota is not a sexy team.  Maybe if Zimmer wore high heels like Prince it would help.  But there's that Kirt Cousins situation.  Every hard working stiff in the country that its aware of how much money Kirt Cousins has shaken out of the NFL gets pissed off thinking about it.  He's like a dope you worked with at a previous job that somehow gets named Director of Corporate Graft for an insane annual salary.  On the one hand you admire the fact he's getting paid well beyond his worth, but on the other it pisses you off because it wasn't you.  Lost in all that envy and rage is the fact that Mike Zimmer has the best against the spread record of any coach, including The Hoodie.  This is an opportunity to get Minnesota +3 against a Jason Garret coached Cowboy team that seems highly overrated by The Public.  I think the Vikings are the better team and they're getting points.  I'm in.  Minnesota +3.

I should probably bet against the Bengals who are doing a shit stupid thing that only the Bengals do in starting a 6th round draft pick instead of a healthy Andy Dalton against the Ravens.  Quick note to Bengal management... Your primary issue on offense is not the QB.  It's that you decided not to invest in anyone on the offensive line.  You're welcome.  However, a game that caught my eye instead was the Pittsburgh v Rams game.  The Public thinks of both the Rams and Steelers as high scoring, exciting teams.  The Steelers are a dink and dunk team now without Big Ben, and are going into this without starting RB James Connor.  Rudolf has only passed for more than 200 yards twice, against Miami and Cincinnati.  The Steeler defense keeps them in games, which is fortunate as the Rams surprisingly have a Top 10 defense as well.  The total of 45 seems quite optimistic.  I'm on the Steelers/Rams under 45.

Season Record:  17-8-1


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