Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Nurse the Hate: Coronavirus!

The coronavirus is the biggest mass hysteria event in my memory.  There are three people in Ohio that have tested positive to this largely non-fatal disease.  There are 11.7 million people in Ohio.  The governor has declared a State of Emergency.  Sure, why not?  Clearly things are out of hand.  People are hoarding toilet paper.  Yet it is confusing.  Some events are being cancelled, but not all.  Don’t go on airplanes!  Buses and trains run as scheduled.  Don’t go to a basketball game.  Movie theaters are apparently fine.  Office workers are working from home.  Hourly employees are still at Subway and McDonalds.  Once again, there are three (3) people out of 11.7 million that are diagnosed with having it (Two back from a Nile cruise and 1 from a conference in Washington).  I love my odds of survival.

The finger is being pointed at the media, and this is a valid criticism.  All the tools TV and radio stations use to get viewers hooked in on the latest storm events has been unleashed with great glorious power on this ideal super villain.  Coronavirus is invisible, can seemingly strike from anywhere and can never be stopped.  Only by changing all your normal routines and avoiding everything/everyone can you possibly be spared, and even then, you still are AT GREAT RISK.  If you thought the specter of a never-ending war on the terrorism boogieman was good, bask in the glory of the unseen superdisease!  The fact that we can also pump in some Nationalism and blame the Chinese for causing it makes it even better.  I heard the virus was caused because rural Chinese men have sex with bats, and then made soup from the semen soaked dead animals, but this might only be an internet rumor…  USA!  USA!  USA!

I got back from Dublin last week and after the jet lag/lack of sleep, came down with a head cold.  If you want to be a pariah in the United States in March 2020, sneeze in a grocery store.  Check out the looks you get if you cough in a line for coffee.  It’s like I have dripping open sores from leprosy as I walk into the water at Kalahari Water Park (which has probably happened by the way).  Everyone is on full alert, neighbor ready to turn on neighbor.  My co-workers are convinced I am spreading coronavirus, this despite the fact I came from a place with no cases and am showing none of the symptoms of the virus.  I am sick and now ALL illnesses are coronavirus.  There is no longer such a thing as congested sinuses or allergies.  There are only gradations of coronavirus. 

I have decided to go with the flow as opposed to swimming against this strong tide.  I am openly telling people I am sick with the coronavirus, have no intention of staying home, and have licked their phones.  Embrace it.  We are all going to die from something, and you are going to die from the coronavirus I brought from the cesspool of viral infection, Ireland.  With luck I will get national media attention as instead of staying quarantined on a doomed cruise ship, I actually swim out to meet other oncoming vessels to infect all those aboard.  I will do nothing but attend pro sporting events, ride in airplanes, march in parades, and work very, VERY closely with children.  The coronavirus is not really a disease.  At this point, it’s an idea.  Cradle the fear.  Give in.  Let the hysteria wash over you like a microbe filled stream.  You are IN DANGER.

By the way, you just touched your face.


At March 11, 2020 at 10:10:00 PM EDT , Blogger Greg Miller said...

Really informative and interesting podcast guest here:


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