Saturday, March 24, 2007

Nurse the Hate: Hate the Buckeyes

Now we're really getting down to it, and there's not much separating the teams that have advanced. OSU opened at -1.5 against Memphis State, but the public likes the Buckeyes and have moved them out to -2.5 at tipoff. It's a bleak rainy March Saturday in NE Ohio, so it seems the only thing to do is bet against the lemmings out there and take Memphis State. How else am I going to kill time until driving to Youngstown to play a rock show at the Royal Oaks? (Please note, The Royal Oaks isn't very "royal", but it is located on Oak Street. It is unlikely anyone would go to a club called "The Surrealistic Fun Oaks", so The Royal Oaks is probably a much better name.)

It's hard to root for OSU after making a trip to Columbus. "Columbus Guy" loves OSU sports more than anything, and is such a homer it's sickening. You know "Columbus Guy", right? He's the one in the Dockers and golf shirt, has a Buckeye vanity license plate, is very Caucasian, and enjoys nothing better than having a few light beers with the fellas before heading home to his equally Caucasian wife and 2.5 kids named something like Audrey or Kyle. After treating the kids to a delivery Donatos pizza, he'll pop Shrek into the DVD player as he retreats to his "Man Cave" while the little lady tidies up. After putting the kids to bed, there might be some efficient lovemaking to the sounds of the Dave Mathews Band playing softly from the Bose clock radio next to the bed.

It may be a major character defect in myself, but I love to see "Columbus Guy" disappointed. He is just so sure that the Ohio State Athletic program is squeaky clean despite my belief that it may be the most crooked organization outside of Cosa Nostra. Just because Jim Tressel wears a sweater vest doesn't mean he's a castoff from Mayberry. Open your eyes. That sweater vest is a costume. He's from Youngstown. John Gotti wouldn't have lasted 20 minutes there. HBO would have shot the Sopranos in Youngstown, but no one wants to tune in on Sunday nights to see James Gandolfini eating a buffalito at the BW-3 downtown and ordering a hit on a used plumbing supply owner.

When OSU loses, "Columbus Guy" has to briefly re evaluate his entire belief system. It's just a flickering moment that even little Audrey and Kyle can sense. Maybe this white bread world we have constructed isn't the best way after all...Maybe all this poorly designed OSU crap I have hanging up in the house and my workspace at the soulless industrial park is just a way for the institution to keep the cash flowing in...Maybe the school shouldn't make millions of dollars on the labor of unpaid college athletes...Maybe their victories on the court/field have nothing to do with me at all...Sure, I got a business degree at The Ohio State University in 1989, but it turns out that may be totally unrelated to a seven foot 18 year old from Indiana blocking a shot in 2007...But then the band strikes up "Hang On Sloopy", and all is right in the world again.

3 Comments:

At March 26, 2007 at 11:30:00 AM EDT , Blogger Ken Miller said...

The complete collapse of the Tar Heels in the second half against Georgetown on Sunday is both a blessing and a curse. The Hoyas are much more favorable matchup for OSU than the high-speed North Carolina squad, and thus means that Ohio State looks to have a slightly improved chance to get to the final (early line has OSU +1). On the other hand, this sets up the tantilizing prospect of Florida versus The Buckeyes in the championship game. Allow yourself a moment to daydream of the reactions on a Tuesday after the Gators snatch a title away from Ohio State twice in four months...

 
At March 31, 2007 at 2:01:00 AM EDT , Blogger Dave in Buffalo said...

Last time I ck'd in on Greg's gambling ramblings, I ended betting $100 against Cleve St against some Cal "Shit U" in the bracket buster. The Vikings not only cover 7 pts, they win outright! I am taking OSU +2 against G'Town.

 
At March 31, 2007 at 10:19:00 AM EDT , Blogger Greg Miller said...

Ah...Ah...Well, it's not an exact science...I got clipped on that one too. One more reason to Hate the Vikings!

 

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