Nurse the Hate: Hate Gifts

Sometimes the senseless consumerism of Xmas really brings me down. The stress of finding that perfect gift can drive you insane. Instead of relaxing with family and friends, you find yourself in a fistfight at an overcrowded mall with a rotund Albanian woman over a cotton v neck sweater. Sure, that old woman has a glass jaw, but I'm Irish, so I'm a bleeder. No one wants to explain at Xmas dinner that the cut above your eyelid came from a 64 year old woman that you exchanged roundhouse rights with by the cash register at Ann Taylor.

The problem is even after you have made that purchase, you just don't know if it was just the right thing...How do you know for sure? Is your lady friend going to like that plastic gift set of scented bath oils? (Of course not, but she'll be polite about it.) Is that the right socket set for your father? (No, but he'll chuck it in his tool box with the other shitty tools you bought him for Father's Day/Birthday/last Xmas.) Will those candlesticks you bought the in laws say "I like you" or will they say "Look, I don't know what you are interested in and I really don't care. Take this as a symbol of my acknowledging the social contract of having to buy you something during this holiday. I just didn't want to spend too much." If only someone could provide guidance on what people really want for Xmas.

Good news...Here's the last gift guide you will ever need.

1) The Surefire Beast II is the world's most powerful flashlight. It throws off 2000 lumen. How much is that? It's like being able to turn on the sun. It is the equivalent of one hundred and thirty regular flashlights. Who wouldn't want to turn on a beam like a lighthouse onto your neighbors on command? It's about $4000, so give it to someone special. You can order it here
www.opticsplanet.net/surefire-beast-rechargeable-flashlight-br1.html

2) Fireworks are the gift that keeps on giving! Everyone loves to light off fireworks, but nobody likes to pay for them. Your loved ones will think of you when they blow off their fingers with such incendiary treats as "The Deadly Peril", "Fishbowl Commotion", and "Uncle Sam's Answer". US Fireworks will ship anywhere. www.usfireworks.biz

3) Spice up that company "Secret Santa" gift exchange with a gift certificate from that "Asian Health Spa" out by the truckstop. Just think of the nervous laughter of your co workers as you either A) naively pretend that you don't know what happens during a "full service" massage at Tokyo Moon Health Spa or B) talk about how you go there ALL THE TIME and you have never been as relaxed as after your "regular Friday nighter". A good thing to say might be "Make sure and use my name when you get there, or they'll try to pawn you off on the old lady."

4) You know that Lexus advertising when the husband shows his wife he really loves her by buying her a Lexus SUV with a big bow on it? That shit is weak. Show her how much you really care buy buying her a Mig 21UM fighter jet. While her friends are tied up in traffic in their luxury import trucks, she'll be streaking across the sky at mach 2. I don't know if this one comes with the standard 23 mm twin barrel cannons, but that's an option they probably don't have at the Lexus dealership. Sure, maybe running through 787 gallons of jet fuel might be pricey, but if she was looking at SUVs it's not like she cares about fuel cost/environment/global warming anyway. You can buy it here http://www.avitop.com/aircraft/aircraft.asp

5) Need something for the guy that has everything? Why, how about a mammoth skeleton? What could be more impressive in a foyer or front yard than a ten foot high/seventeen foot long mammoth? An instant conversation starter, this gift will be a hit! "Hey John, I was getting the mail yesterday when I noticed you have a 17 foot mammoth skeleton in your yard. Looks great!"
http://www.arizonaskiesmeteorites.com/AZ_Skies_Links/Mammoth_Tusks/Mammoth_Skeleton/index.html

With this handy guide, and some disposable income, you are sure to make the Holidays a joyous occasion for all. What better way to celebrate when Santa brought baby Jesus to the manger on the Island of Misfit Toys? God Bless Each and Every One of Us!

Random Notes: I got my ass handed to me on the NFL yesterday. Why I bet meaningless late season games, I don't know. I just got caught up in the orgy of booze and reckless behavior that takes over at my house on December Gameday. It is so difficult to figure out which teams are mailing it in, and who is actually trying to win games this time of year...Need a good wine to take over to Grandma's house that won't break the bank? Pick up a bottle of Seghesio Red Zin (preferably the Sonoma bottling)...I just listened to a Merge Records comp that was attached to a Harp Magazine, and I have to say how impressed I am. Normally when you get those comps, you are pleasantly surprised to find a song you like. In this case, about two thirds of the bands have good stuff on there. That might be the most impressive roster of bands on any indie label right now...It's a tough break when company gets into your Great Lakes Brewing Commodore Perry IPA and Lagunitas Pils when they came with a twelve of Corona Light